Medicine Induced Dark Night

As the day wore on, I felt less and less energetic, a disappointment since I had been finding strength to do little things I had been leaving undone - like clean my room! By the time I went to bed, my whole body was aching and hurting, and my hands and feet were numb. Additionally, my muscles, especially in my back and neck, were constantly cramping - all symptoms of the drugs.

The worst part was the depression. I am not susceptible to depression, nor have I had to deal with it much throughout the summer. But one of the symptoms of the potassium is excessive sadness and depression, and I could somehow recognize through the haze that this was not me, but a result of the medicine.

How dark the night seemed, how much worse the aches and pains that normally I am able to handle. I took Tylenol, but my usual coping ability was impaired. How strange to see yourself behaving in ways that are not you and be helpless to do anything about it!

I know it will pass - if not right away, then surely after I stop taking the medicine. As the night wore on, I woke every hour at odd times in a surreal and weird fashion. 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55. Each time I had to force myself to get out of bed and go to the bathroom since any ability to hold on had gone out the window.

Tonight, there was no reciting of Bible verses or singing of hymns - or even children's songs. There was no hugging one's self and rocking. There was no sense of anything but the darkness. So I did what I suspect everyone does in such a state. I called on the Name. I could call His name.

Over and over when I reached the depths of despair and darkness, I would whisper "Jesus." With tears running down my cheeks, I summoned my brain to focus. Sometimes I could only say it once. Sometimes I could repeat the name. It was enough to help lift the heaviness. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that people were praying for me, but I could not pray. I knew that God was with me, but I could not sense His presence.

Finally, I heard His voice soothing me. They were such encouraging words. "Daughter, joy comes in the morning." Peace flooded over my drug bothered brain. Joy. This night of darkness will not last. God is bigger. I belong to Him. The sorrows and pain of cancer will subside. Morning will come as it has been doing for eons. And with it, joy.

I do not fret. This will pass. I will do what is needed, with full knowledge that I will be myself again in good time.