Today seemed like a good day to check with Strong about the status of my account. Since I was planning to be in the area anyway, it would save me a trip. I pulled up to the front circle and climbed out of the car. Some woman was angrily yelling at one of the valets. She didn't like his attitude. She demanded satisfaction and apology - the litany went on and on. All the other valets ran. Who wants to bear the brunt of someone's hostility? I couldn't imagine what the poor man had done.
I too was relieved to go inside and escape the rantings of a lunatic. I headed down the hall to the familiar office. I had no sooner checked in than the same angry yelling woman entered, approached the receptionist, brushing aside some timid woman waiting patiently at the proper place, and began insisting that she be helped. The receptionist smiled, acknowledged her request, and told her politely that she would assist her as soon as she had helped the next person in line.
Angry woman wouldn't brook such insolence. She kept repeating "Look, I just need one question answered" as if somehow that were justification for her jumping line. The receptionist again answered politely and tactfully, directing her to step aside while she helped the other person. But angry woman would have none of it. She bellowed and blathered and sputtered to no avail. Everyone within the sound of her voice looked away, wishing the crazy woman would disappear. Me too. Go away and be grumpy somewhere else. Don't drag us all into your discontent.
Her bullying did her no good. She was helped in turn, then sat in the waiting area along with the rest of us who all looked anywhere but at her, not wanting to get sucked into some inane conversation about what ever her issues were. In my childhood, we would have said, "Who peed in your corn flakes?"
The next counselor entered the waiting area and looked around. Angry woman stood up and headed toward her. The counselor nodded at her, touched my shoulder and said, "Come with me." We disappeared into the consultation room before angry woman could utter a single word. Hah! They must be used to brow beaters and bullies here. Good strategy.
When I left, angry woman was pacing in the waiting area alone. Everyone else was being helped. Good, I thought, and then was immediately ashamed of myself. What if she has been abused and treated badly herself? What if her behavior is a reaction to a truly troubled life? I know nothing of her circumstances, her burdens. Maybe she had to leave a small child unattended in her car or some other pressing situation was driving her hurry?
As I wandered down the hall back toward my car, I debated whether to turn around and just ask her what was troubling her. I am sure it would be like lancing a boil and I would probably be inundated with a litany of woes and troubles. Maybe if she could spit them out, she would treat others better. No, this is not my responsibility. But I can have compassion for someone so distraught that they lash out at everyone around them. I certainly can pray for the love of Christ to touch her, that she not be so alone against the world.
And not just that she needs God, but that I too need his grace and compassion to better bless those around me who are hurting - or at least recognize them instead of react to them! Lord, save me from my arrogance and unkindness.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Still Catching Up
Now that the fluff of drugged head, pain and other health impediments has lifted, I need to get squarely back in the game. I have 3 papers to complete, a ton of laundry, catching up with cleaning - especially the kitchen and bathroom floors, and the ever delightful bill paying to get back on track with. I finally managed to edit my blog postings and get up to date with that.
I have been sifting email, taking care of work details, gearing up for a few weeks of library instruction and lining up projects. I touched base with staff, made some lists of priorities, and actually found time to change my liturgical room decor and door hanging! (I always know I am better when I get to that part).
Unexpected bonus: Once I got caught up with the blog postings, I heard from many friends who just took the opportunity to touch base. What a delight to hear from people and be blessed by their cheer and happenings. Sure makes you feel connected. I admit I could do a better job of posting on Facebook, but somehow that has never been my cup of tea. Its so much more personal and free to email or chat online.
I figure by end of the week, I should be back to current. Not bad to catch up in a few weeks what took me down for a few months! The light at the far end of the tunnel makes the journey behind you seem so much less daunting and dark than when you were walking through it.
I have been sifting email, taking care of work details, gearing up for a few weeks of library instruction and lining up projects. I touched base with staff, made some lists of priorities, and actually found time to change my liturgical room decor and door hanging! (I always know I am better when I get to that part).
Unexpected bonus: Once I got caught up with the blog postings, I heard from many friends who just took the opportunity to touch base. What a delight to hear from people and be blessed by their cheer and happenings. Sure makes you feel connected. I admit I could do a better job of posting on Facebook, but somehow that has never been my cup of tea. Its so much more personal and free to email or chat online.
I figure by end of the week, I should be back to current. Not bad to catch up in a few weeks what took me down for a few months! The light at the far end of the tunnel makes the journey behind you seem so much less daunting and dark than when you were walking through it.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Girls Night Out
We decided to go Greek for a change. Rather than carpool there, we each took our own car. I took the main routes, thinking I could make it easy for those who weren't exactly sure where the place was. Who am I kidding? These ladies are long time Rochester residents. They all got there before me by snaking around the back roads.
Not to worry. This is a restaurant that is not only reasonably priced, but I can actually eat a number of entrees without fearing digestive retribution. I decided on the hot turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes. But the omlete, fried fish, and grilled chicken on the other plates looked pretty tantalizing too.
All around us groups of people came and went while we chatted and laughed and carried on. I find it interesting that no one comes in to dine alone. Everyone is with at least one other person. Nice. We covered everything from dealing with grumpy people to what kind of person we would want to marry if we could pick to kid behavior to parent behavior and everything inbetween. I totally missed the sunset while we were having such a good time. It felt good to be well and doing something normal.
I got out my iPhone and clicked on the fireplace app to add a bit of ambiance. We quickly scrolled through the coral reef and the gentle rainstorm apps just for fun and our conversation turned to thoughts of vacation and summer plans. I want to do a lot of camping this summer. I am looking for volunteers who are game to pitch a tent and sleep in the wilds of a nearby campground. Any takers?
My friends reminisced about previous camping experiences, but agreed one and all that these days they only camp in hotels. Not quite what I have in mind. We finally wind down and look through my coupon book to see what restaurant we want to try next month. Popular vote is for a Japanese place where we can watch a chef chop stuff in front of our faces. Sounds scary to me, but I am willing.
Not to worry. This is a restaurant that is not only reasonably priced, but I can actually eat a number of entrees without fearing digestive retribution. I decided on the hot turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes. But the omlete, fried fish, and grilled chicken on the other plates looked pretty tantalizing too.
All around us groups of people came and went while we chatted and laughed and carried on. I find it interesting that no one comes in to dine alone. Everyone is with at least one other person. Nice. We covered everything from dealing with grumpy people to what kind of person we would want to marry if we could pick to kid behavior to parent behavior and everything inbetween. I totally missed the sunset while we were having such a good time. It felt good to be well and doing something normal.
I got out my iPhone and clicked on the fireplace app to add a bit of ambiance. We quickly scrolled through the coral reef and the gentle rainstorm apps just for fun and our conversation turned to thoughts of vacation and summer plans. I want to do a lot of camping this summer. I am looking for volunteers who are game to pitch a tent and sleep in the wilds of a nearby campground. Any takers?
My friends reminisced about previous camping experiences, but agreed one and all that these days they only camp in hotels. Not quite what I have in mind. We finally wind down and look through my coupon book to see what restaurant we want to try next month. Popular vote is for a Japanese place where we can watch a chef chop stuff in front of our faces. Sounds scary to me, but I am willing.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Bored
Ah, this is the chemo tired I have been expecting. After church, my whole intent is to take a nap. I lie down, but cannot rest. My body doesn't know what to do with itself. I watch the movie Ghandi, feel the appropriate shame about my wasted life, and try to sleep again. I cannot. I would like to read, but the idea does not appeal. I have Ted Dekker's latest book Heaven Triology and it is typical Dekker interesting. But the thought of making my eyes move across the page is more than I can handle.
I click on the fireplace app on my iPad. Instantly a cheery fire burns and crackles, flames dancing about all yellow, red and blue. I take a deep breath, remembering the wood stove at the house that used to be Mom and Dad's, the A-frame in Lake George that is now owned by young school teachers. I didn't do much feeding or cleaning of that stove. Mom could tell you the agony of tending fires. My fire app is merely a memory aid with no work involved other than plugging the iPad in.
I switch to the coral reef app and stare at the beautifully colored fish and the waving anemones, the sound of gentle rolling surf soothing my tiredness. Perhaps if I switch to the calming sounds app and click on rainstorm I can fall asleep. I try that for awhile. It is soothing, but no sleep comes. I try the koi pond app. Gold and white fish swim peacefully in a lily pad bedecked sand bottomed pond complete with frog. Water swishes as the fish flip their tails. Neat, but no sleep. I am as tranquil as it gets, but my body is doing its own thing and I do not sleep.
There is nothing I want to do. Nothing I have any energy or inclination for. I am bored. Imagine that. Someone who loves to do stuff - play piano, knit, read, watch silly movies, make stuff for my grand babies, organize the living quarters, do research, take long walks, tackle fascinating projects, help people with whatever they are doing, listen to music, learn new scores, work on my compositions, write my blog, invent stories in my head that I hope to capture on paper someday, talk with friends - with all that at my disposal I am bored. I can't imagine how I got here. What to do?
Well, I can call my kids and chat on the phone while still lying down resting. Yes, I will do that. But no one is home. I know, I will text kids. Yes, that brings not only replies, but son #4 actually comes to visit. We chat while I rest. We catch up on stuff and nothing. We are just hanging out. I find it helpful while my body is finishing whatever it is doing to deal with the tiredness. Thanks, son.
After he leaves, I have the energy to watch an old movie - Just Call Me Madam - starring Ethel Merman. It is silly and musical and distracting and exactly right. Finally, I am ready to rest. It took me all day to settle down to the real work of recovery. I will take full advantage. Good night and Do Not Disturb.
I click on the fireplace app on my iPad. Instantly a cheery fire burns and crackles, flames dancing about all yellow, red and blue. I take a deep breath, remembering the wood stove at the house that used to be Mom and Dad's, the A-frame in Lake George that is now owned by young school teachers. I didn't do much feeding or cleaning of that stove. Mom could tell you the agony of tending fires. My fire app is merely a memory aid with no work involved other than plugging the iPad in.
I switch to the coral reef app and stare at the beautifully colored fish and the waving anemones, the sound of gentle rolling surf soothing my tiredness. Perhaps if I switch to the calming sounds app and click on rainstorm I can fall asleep. I try that for awhile. It is soothing, but no sleep comes. I try the koi pond app. Gold and white fish swim peacefully in a lily pad bedecked sand bottomed pond complete with frog. Water swishes as the fish flip their tails. Neat, but no sleep. I am as tranquil as it gets, but my body is doing its own thing and I do not sleep.
There is nothing I want to do. Nothing I have any energy or inclination for. I am bored. Imagine that. Someone who loves to do stuff - play piano, knit, read, watch silly movies, make stuff for my grand babies, organize the living quarters, do research, take long walks, tackle fascinating projects, help people with whatever they are doing, listen to music, learn new scores, work on my compositions, write my blog, invent stories in my head that I hope to capture on paper someday, talk with friends - with all that at my disposal I am bored. I can't imagine how I got here. What to do?
Well, I can call my kids and chat on the phone while still lying down resting. Yes, I will do that. But no one is home. I know, I will text kids. Yes, that brings not only replies, but son #4 actually comes to visit. We chat while I rest. We catch up on stuff and nothing. We are just hanging out. I find it helpful while my body is finishing whatever it is doing to deal with the tiredness. Thanks, son.
After he leaves, I have the energy to watch an old movie - Just Call Me Madam - starring Ethel Merman. It is silly and musical and distracting and exactly right. Finally, I am ready to rest. It took me all day to settle down to the real work of recovery. I will take full advantage. Good night and Do Not Disturb.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Winter?
It started snowing last night while I was asleep. Not a lot, only a few inches. It began with the howling, freight train sounding wind. Sugar was stuck close to me all night. This morning, the world is a wonder of whiteness and the confection sugar snow flies sideways past my window. Perhaps my apartment is a huge snow globe for the amusement of angels and the like.
The air is so white you think its cold, but it isn't really. Just snow blowing around a lot. I don't see the crocus shoots green against the brown earth this morning. Just pristine whiteness everywhere. The car is not buried and I can get away with wearing sneakers instead of boots. Already the warmth of day is sliding the packy snow from my car's roof plop onto the ground in mounds. Sugar dances around excitedly, but when the wind snuffles into her face, she dashes in circles trying to escape.
Not bad for the end of February. I still find snow fun and uplifting. An unusual winter indeed.
The air is so white you think its cold, but it isn't really. Just snow blowing around a lot. I don't see the crocus shoots green against the brown earth this morning. Just pristine whiteness everywhere. The car is not buried and I can get away with wearing sneakers instead of boots. Already the warmth of day is sliding the packy snow from my car's roof plop onto the ground in mounds. Sugar dances around excitedly, but when the wind snuffles into her face, she dashes in circles trying to escape.
Not bad for the end of February. I still find snow fun and uplifting. An unusual winter indeed.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Royal Flush
Last night my post-chemo body cleanse unfolded. It seems to be part of the pattern. Several days after chemo, I go through a night of massive neuropathy. Last night my legs were numb and tingling up to my knees. The bottoms of my feet were on fire. I don't always get the neuropathy in my hands, but last night, it ranged from my fingertips clear up to my elbows. My body aches, especially the joints, and sleep is out of the question.
As well, my body finally lets go of fluids. Every half hour, a trip to the bathroom to pee. All that water I consumed for the kidneystone flush finally exited! I lost a documented 5 or 6 pounds just in water weight. It is as if my body has been swollen in key places, preventing functionality. Then the chemo takes the swelling down and my systems go into overdrive to rid the toxins before the next shut down. My glands are swollen and tender though, especially under my arms.
After each bathroom trip, it takes me long minutes of adjusting pillows and sheets and blankets to get comfortable enough to rest, even though I know I will not sleep. Sugar is solicitous of my well being, gently standing at the far end of the mattress until she is sure I am settled, then gingerly lying down out of the way.
After awhile, my routine becomes silly. I giggle. Then I laugh at myself. Then I cry. Stop. Don't stop. Oh, just get on with it already. I am worn out, but happy that the cleanse is happening. It means I will feel better in a day or so. Maybe I can begin the long road back to stasis. One good thing about tonight. At least Drew is staying with friends at RIT and won't be bothered by all my trotting back and forth and flopping about.
As well, my body finally lets go of fluids. Every half hour, a trip to the bathroom to pee. All that water I consumed for the kidneystone flush finally exited! I lost a documented 5 or 6 pounds just in water weight. It is as if my body has been swollen in key places, preventing functionality. Then the chemo takes the swelling down and my systems go into overdrive to rid the toxins before the next shut down. My glands are swollen and tender though, especially under my arms.
After each bathroom trip, it takes me long minutes of adjusting pillows and sheets and blankets to get comfortable enough to rest, even though I know I will not sleep. Sugar is solicitous of my well being, gently standing at the far end of the mattress until she is sure I am settled, then gingerly lying down out of the way.
After awhile, my routine becomes silly. I giggle. Then I laugh at myself. Then I cry. Stop. Don't stop. Oh, just get on with it already. I am worn out, but happy that the cleanse is happening. It means I will feel better in a day or so. Maybe I can begin the long road back to stasis. One good thing about tonight. At least Drew is staying with friends at RIT and won't be bothered by all my trotting back and forth and flopping about.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Back To Work
I had agreed to take the Thursday evening shift. That was before the bumpy day. I had thought that if I was not feeling up to snuff, I could just work 5 to 9 pm and manage OK. Especially since this is winter break and the undergraduate population is not on campus. There will likely be a handful of grad students and a smattering of community usuals.
True. I wake up out of sorts and feeling adrift. I can't seem to focus. I am grumpy. Maybe I should just go to work and try to do something constructive to beat the blahs. I decide to head in around 1 pm. If I get too tired, I can lie down on the couch in the break room and rest. Actually, I feel better being up and moving around. My tiredness comes and goes.
Mostly I sit and catch up on emails and little organizing projects in my office. Before I realize it, 5 pm rolls around and I am at the reference desk. I am surprised to discover that I am doing OK. Not experiencing that bone weary exhaustion I half expected. It must be that the tons of steroids I got to prevent the chemo reaction are still in my system and keeping me stable. Good. I am happy to stand on my on own two feet without too much wobbling.
True. I wake up out of sorts and feeling adrift. I can't seem to focus. I am grumpy. Maybe I should just go to work and try to do something constructive to beat the blahs. I decide to head in around 1 pm. If I get too tired, I can lie down on the couch in the break room and rest. Actually, I feel better being up and moving around. My tiredness comes and goes.
Mostly I sit and catch up on emails and little organizing projects in my office. Before I realize it, 5 pm rolls around and I am at the reference desk. I am surprised to discover that I am doing OK. Not experiencing that bone weary exhaustion I half expected. It must be that the tons of steroids I got to prevent the chemo reaction are still in my system and keeping me stable. Good. I am happy to stand on my on own two feet without too much wobbling.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The Day After
Things are better today. I am tired, but not so hurting. My joints are OK and the headache is almost gone. I take my time about getting up. Sugar is patient with me. I realize that yesterday was Fat Tuesday, and I was about as far from indulgence as it gets.
I did my indulging the night before chemo hit. I decided to have a nice fresh piece of salmon baked with a light maple syrup coating, a steaming hot baked potato with real butter, fresh green beans cooked to a smush (not too many), and a wee bit of heated applesauce, all topped off with a scoop of chocolate marshmellow ice cream for dessert. So I had a fat Monday. Good thing because on Tuesday I could not have managed.
Now its Ash Wednesday, and I will head out to church this evening to begin the Lenten season properly. Grace of God. I have switched my Divine Hours to the Lent and Easter book and added in Luther's Praying the Psalms. I have yet to decide what I will delete for Lent this year. What will I experience going without in order to better appreciate adding it back in? Not food things this year.
In fact, I am thinking along the lines of adding to my prayer time rather than subtracting something. Pastor encouraged us to pray for specific people who don't normally attend church to go on Easter Sunday. That is a place to begin. He suggested praying for ten people. I thought that might take time to think up ten people who don't attend church. But I easily ticked off a dozen without batting an eye. I kept going. My goodness - I know a lot of people - good Christians even - who don't attend church on a regular basis anywhere! I am amazed. This can't be a good thing.
I guess that is a place to begin. I'm just not sure whether to pray for people to connect with a church, or for churches to find better ways to connect with people! I know I was home most of the day, but I didn't see anyone with ashes on their foreheads today except after our service tonight. When I was growing up, all the Catholics had ash crosses and none of the Protestants. Now I don't know what to think. I'm confused. I am beginning to think my chemo fog is invading my brain!
I did my indulging the night before chemo hit. I decided to have a nice fresh piece of salmon baked with a light maple syrup coating, a steaming hot baked potato with real butter, fresh green beans cooked to a smush (not too many), and a wee bit of heated applesauce, all topped off with a scoop of chocolate marshmellow ice cream for dessert. So I had a fat Monday. Good thing because on Tuesday I could not have managed.
Now its Ash Wednesday, and I will head out to church this evening to begin the Lenten season properly. Grace of God. I have switched my Divine Hours to the Lent and Easter book and added in Luther's Praying the Psalms. I have yet to decide what I will delete for Lent this year. What will I experience going without in order to better appreciate adding it back in? Not food things this year.
In fact, I am thinking along the lines of adding to my prayer time rather than subtracting something. Pastor encouraged us to pray for specific people who don't normally attend church to go on Easter Sunday. That is a place to begin. He suggested praying for ten people. I thought that might take time to think up ten people who don't attend church. But I easily ticked off a dozen without batting an eye. I kept going. My goodness - I know a lot of people - good Christians even - who don't attend church on a regular basis anywhere! I am amazed. This can't be a good thing.
I guess that is a place to begin. I'm just not sure whether to pray for people to connect with a church, or for churches to find better ways to connect with people! I know I was home most of the day, but I didn't see anyone with ashes on their foreheads today except after our service tonight. When I was growing up, all the Catholics had ash crosses and none of the Protestants. Now I don't know what to think. I'm confused. I am beginning to think my chemo fog is invading my brain!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Bumpy Day
So - there is great news and concerning news. The great news is that for the first time my oncologist says I am in remission! REMISSION!!! They are careful about using that word. They won't say it until enough time has passed symptom free. My heart leaps. Already I feel that resurrection power lifting me up.
But, she tells me, the most recent scan - done for the kidney stone stuff - shows a large cyst in my left ovary. She urges me to have that checked out as soon as possible. Hum. Back down goes my elated heart. Another health thing to have to wrestle with. OK. Deep breath, hang on to the promises. And proceed down the hall to chemo. She has sent the orders in.
It begins like any other chemo session. The pre-med pills, the port access and IV fluids, the double nurse check for the Rituxan. My church mice have kindly sent a big bag of gifts to keep me cheerful. This time, the ladies of the church have filled out little cards with Bible verses on one side and encouraging notes on the other. I know the drugs will make my head foggy soon so rather than read one every 20 minutes, I take them 4 at a time. I feel very supported and have lots to hang on to.
Good thing, because the usual reaction hits despite the addition of a new preventive drug. My head aches and my throat is burning and itching. My lips are numb and my feet are starting to tingle. I can see red blotches on my neck. I now get the IV preventive drugs. They hit with a wham. Soon I can not stay awake. I am vaguely aware of nurses coming and going, checking my temperature, my blood pressure. My oxygen levels fall and they add in a tube in my nose for oxygen.
Then the unexpected. I have a second reaction. The throat, the tongue swelling, itching. They stop the Rituxan again and call the oncologist. She suggests more IV meds, but they have to check with the pharmacist. I am maxed out. There is nothing else they can give me. The doctor suggests slowing the Rituxan to 50 and trying to get the final 100 ml out of 800 total in. The pharmacist nixes that idea. Too risky. Run fluids - lots of them. Then send her home. No more chemo today.
They have a power meeting. It is decided that for my next chemo, I will not mess around with the pills. I will get the hefty IV drugs right away, and they will not take my speed up past 200 ever again. The nurse tells me I am too drugged to drive. Good thing Drew is coming to get me. I am sluggish as I wander out to the lobby to wait for Drew to arrive. My head aches. It feels like I have a meat cleaver splitting my head in two. My joints all hurt. My body is screaming for rest and warmth. I am a spineless rag doll wanting to melt all over the floor.
Drew pulls up and opens the car door. I fall into the seat grateful that my friends have sent food so Drew will have something to eat because I am clearly certain I cannot manage anything for awhile. This one was bad.
And yet, the whole time, I continued to hold on to the image of Jesus offering me sustenance. I could almost feel him reaching out his hand and touching my heart, filling it with warmth and strength. He stayed with me the whole time, even after I got home and curled up in the blue recliner, cuddling a hot water bottle and forcing myself to drink a lot of water to flush out the toxins.
At least it is over. Note to self. Don't take chemo until you are sure your system is not still stressed by medication for other stuff. Only a half dozen more episodes to go until the maintenance chemo is over. Just remember it keeps the cancer from returning. It buys you time.
But, she tells me, the most recent scan - done for the kidney stone stuff - shows a large cyst in my left ovary. She urges me to have that checked out as soon as possible. Hum. Back down goes my elated heart. Another health thing to have to wrestle with. OK. Deep breath, hang on to the promises. And proceed down the hall to chemo. She has sent the orders in.
It begins like any other chemo session. The pre-med pills, the port access and IV fluids, the double nurse check for the Rituxan. My church mice have kindly sent a big bag of gifts to keep me cheerful. This time, the ladies of the church have filled out little cards with Bible verses on one side and encouraging notes on the other. I know the drugs will make my head foggy soon so rather than read one every 20 minutes, I take them 4 at a time. I feel very supported and have lots to hang on to.
Good thing, because the usual reaction hits despite the addition of a new preventive drug. My head aches and my throat is burning and itching. My lips are numb and my feet are starting to tingle. I can see red blotches on my neck. I now get the IV preventive drugs. They hit with a wham. Soon I can not stay awake. I am vaguely aware of nurses coming and going, checking my temperature, my blood pressure. My oxygen levels fall and they add in a tube in my nose for oxygen.
Then the unexpected. I have a second reaction. The throat, the tongue swelling, itching. They stop the Rituxan again and call the oncologist. She suggests more IV meds, but they have to check with the pharmacist. I am maxed out. There is nothing else they can give me. The doctor suggests slowing the Rituxan to 50 and trying to get the final 100 ml out of 800 total in. The pharmacist nixes that idea. Too risky. Run fluids - lots of them. Then send her home. No more chemo today.
They have a power meeting. It is decided that for my next chemo, I will not mess around with the pills. I will get the hefty IV drugs right away, and they will not take my speed up past 200 ever again. The nurse tells me I am too drugged to drive. Good thing Drew is coming to get me. I am sluggish as I wander out to the lobby to wait for Drew to arrive. My head aches. It feels like I have a meat cleaver splitting my head in two. My joints all hurt. My body is screaming for rest and warmth. I am a spineless rag doll wanting to melt all over the floor.
Drew pulls up and opens the car door. I fall into the seat grateful that my friends have sent food so Drew will have something to eat because I am clearly certain I cannot manage anything for awhile. This one was bad.
And yet, the whole time, I continued to hold on to the image of Jesus offering me sustenance. I could almost feel him reaching out his hand and touching my heart, filling it with warmth and strength. He stayed with me the whole time, even after I got home and curled up in the blue recliner, cuddling a hot water bottle and forcing myself to drink a lot of water to flush out the toxins.
At least it is over. Note to self. Don't take chemo until you are sure your system is not still stressed by medication for other stuff. Only a half dozen more episodes to go until the maintenance chemo is over. Just remember it keeps the cancer from returning. It buys you time.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Prep for Chemo
I am concerned about tomorrow's chemo. I haven't had enough time to recover from all that kidneystone stuff, even though the urologist gave me the all clear. I know I will see my oncologist first. If there is anything to be concerned about, she will not send me on to the infusion center. Still, I am uncomfortable enough. My discomfort has been growing, and I know I must address it. I ask my pastor if we could meet for prayer.
It seems silly to have prayer about something I have been through dozens of times already. Nonetheless, each chemo is its own entity, and this one doesn't sit right with me. I expect he will do the usual - offer prayers of hope and encouragement, putting me in God's hands and asking for wisdom and grace for the doctors and nurses who will be assisting me. But he does not do that - at least not right away.
He comes to my office (imagine a pastor who makes office calls!!!) and I give him a tour of the library. Then we step into my office and chat a bit. He asks me what there is about this particular chemo that is concerning me. I have a hard time verbalizing my objections. I stumble about a bit trying to get the picture clear. Bottom line is - I just tired of being sick. Yes, people perceive that my faith is strong and I am confident and trusting in God's grace. They tell me that I look the picture of health and if they were not told, would not believe I have cancer. It is true. But sometimes I am just plain worn out with the constant health battles.
Particularly right now. He nods and listens. We are quiet for a few minutes. He asks if there is a particular symbol that has held significance for me. I think. Many things go through my mind, but overall, the communion cup and bread have been an anchor for me. I tell him about the cup my friend Sissie sent me that sits on my entertainment center, a constant reminder of the love of God. He nods understandingly.
Then he suggests we try some guided prayer. He invites me to close my eyes, take a deep breath and breathe it out. Do that a few times. Become conscious of your feet on the floor, the support of the chair. Relax. Now picture Jesus standing in front of you. See his face, his hands, his feet. Sense his caring and love. Now see him hold up the loaf of bread, tear a piece off and offer it to you. See him lift the cup and hold it to your mouth. I have never been offered communion by Christ himself before! Feel his love, his strength, his healing power. Know that his broken body did not stay broken, but was resurrected with power and restored.
He has conquered death. Now that power of the resurrection is flowing past the barrier of death into your life, into your body. You do not have to wait until you are in heaven to be whole. It is a startling rediscovery. I had allowed myself to think that I would never be well again in this life. I had given in to the hopelessness of cancer. I am amazed that I had somehow gotten in this unacceptable place and glad glad glad to be moving out of it. I will not accept the hopeless inevitability. I will trust God with whom all things are possible.
We linger for a bit in the guided prayer, and afterwards, the pastor does lay hands on my head and pray as I had expected - for peace and strength and a good day tomorrow. I am at peace. I am very thankful for his insight and boldness. He says he didn't tell me anything I did not already know. But I am grateful to be reminded.
It seems silly to have prayer about something I have been through dozens of times already. Nonetheless, each chemo is its own entity, and this one doesn't sit right with me. I expect he will do the usual - offer prayers of hope and encouragement, putting me in God's hands and asking for wisdom and grace for the doctors and nurses who will be assisting me. But he does not do that - at least not right away.
He comes to my office (imagine a pastor who makes office calls!!!) and I give him a tour of the library. Then we step into my office and chat a bit. He asks me what there is about this particular chemo that is concerning me. I have a hard time verbalizing my objections. I stumble about a bit trying to get the picture clear. Bottom line is - I just tired of being sick. Yes, people perceive that my faith is strong and I am confident and trusting in God's grace. They tell me that I look the picture of health and if they were not told, would not believe I have cancer. It is true. But sometimes I am just plain worn out with the constant health battles.
Particularly right now. He nods and listens. We are quiet for a few minutes. He asks if there is a particular symbol that has held significance for me. I think. Many things go through my mind, but overall, the communion cup and bread have been an anchor for me. I tell him about the cup my friend Sissie sent me that sits on my entertainment center, a constant reminder of the love of God. He nods understandingly.
Then he suggests we try some guided prayer. He invites me to close my eyes, take a deep breath and breathe it out. Do that a few times. Become conscious of your feet on the floor, the support of the chair. Relax. Now picture Jesus standing in front of you. See his face, his hands, his feet. Sense his caring and love. Now see him hold up the loaf of bread, tear a piece off and offer it to you. See him lift the cup and hold it to your mouth. I have never been offered communion by Christ himself before! Feel his love, his strength, his healing power. Know that his broken body did not stay broken, but was resurrected with power and restored.
He has conquered death. Now that power of the resurrection is flowing past the barrier of death into your life, into your body. You do not have to wait until you are in heaven to be whole. It is a startling rediscovery. I had allowed myself to think that I would never be well again in this life. I had given in to the hopelessness of cancer. I am amazed that I had somehow gotten in this unacceptable place and glad glad glad to be moving out of it. I will not accept the hopeless inevitability. I will trust God with whom all things are possible.
We linger for a bit in the guided prayer, and afterwards, the pastor does lay hands on my head and pray as I had expected - for peace and strength and a good day tomorrow. I am at peace. I am very thankful for his insight and boldness. He says he didn't tell me anything I did not already know. But I am grateful to be reminded.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Reference Shift
I cannot remember a winter break when we have been so short staffed. I feel obliged to take as many hours of duty during break as I can because I have been out of sync lately with all the kidneystone stuff and soon a chemo coming up. Even our students have been very slow to commit to desk hours. Usually we have kids who really need the money, but this year they are also working off campus jobs and have to wait until their hours are set at their second jobs.
Wow. I generally don't sign up for Sundays because I spend half a day working at church and it just seems like a lot to come to the library after that and do more stuff. But I am happy to do that this week. I suspect there won't be many people in the library. Not much reference work to take care of. I am so grateful to be able to do things.
The weather is wonderful. Blue skies, sun. People are taking advantage of the unusual weather rather than being stuck inside. I am happy to be the one inside today, making up for lost time. I find in the quietness I can participate in some online church services. This is a nice bonus. I do feel a bit guilty not doing something constructive for the library, but I will get to that in the upcoming weeks after chemo, I am certain.
Wow. I generally don't sign up for Sundays because I spend half a day working at church and it just seems like a lot to come to the library after that and do more stuff. But I am happy to do that this week. I suspect there won't be many people in the library. Not much reference work to take care of. I am so grateful to be able to do things.
The weather is wonderful. Blue skies, sun. People are taking advantage of the unusual weather rather than being stuck inside. I am happy to be the one inside today, making up for lost time. I find in the quietness I can participate in some online church services. This is a nice bonus. I do feel a bit guilty not doing something constructive for the library, but I will get to that in the upcoming weeks after chemo, I am certain.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Robotics Fiasco
This year the Robotics team decided to pair up families to provide the weekend meals. That sounded wonderful. It is costly to feed 35 or 40 hungry people. I have done my part every year, but always felt like it was a bit unfair to expect a single Mom with health issues to pull the same weight as couples with double the income and half the impact of ill health.
I am not complaining. After all, they have been wonderful about providing transportation and without them, Drew would not have this opportunity. It has just always been a strain to provide a big dinner. I waited until a pay period to sign up and tried to sign up for the smaller half of the obligation - side dish and dessert instead of main dish and drinks. But someone beat me to the small part, so I resigned myself to the main dish part.
Unfortunately, late the night before, I got an email from the other couple. They had a family emergency and would not be coming or providing their part. Sigh. Back to being the sole source. Oh, well. I am not prepared. I will have to take an entire morning to gather the rest of the stuff I need. I tell Drew I won't make it by noon. More like 12:30. Then I head out, carefully planning my route so I will arrive while the food is still hot and ready.
Drew tried to call and tell me that someone else brought in a side dish, but I didn't get the call. Too busy getting the side dish stuff. I do arrive at noon thirty with hot food. Thank goodness for cell phone. I call Drew to let him know I have arrived. Four tall young men come to assist Drew in transporting the food inside. I am too worn out to play hostess. I figure they can manage just fine. Whew! Done for another year.
I am not complaining. After all, they have been wonderful about providing transportation and without them, Drew would not have this opportunity. It has just always been a strain to provide a big dinner. I waited until a pay period to sign up and tried to sign up for the smaller half of the obligation - side dish and dessert instead of main dish and drinks. But someone beat me to the small part, so I resigned myself to the main dish part.
Unfortunately, late the night before, I got an email from the other couple. They had a family emergency and would not be coming or providing their part. Sigh. Back to being the sole source. Oh, well. I am not prepared. I will have to take an entire morning to gather the rest of the stuff I need. I tell Drew I won't make it by noon. More like 12:30. Then I head out, carefully planning my route so I will arrive while the food is still hot and ready.
Drew tried to call and tell me that someone else brought in a side dish, but I didn't get the call. Too busy getting the side dish stuff. I do arrive at noon thirty with hot food. Thank goodness for cell phone. I call Drew to let him know I have arrived. Four tall young men come to assist Drew in transporting the food inside. I am too worn out to play hostess. I figure they can manage just fine. Whew! Done for another year.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Time Management
At the Faculty Forum today, the subject was finding a balance between work and life. I was surprised to learn that many of our faculty, especially the gentlemen sitting at my table, end up doing reading and class preparation at home straight up until they go to bed late in the night! I had no idea.
They all love what they do when they are teaching, but it is the rest of the demands on their time - committees and meetings and conferences and workshops and reports and all the stuff that comes with their position - that seem to consume their freedom. I had always thought about teaching at the university level, but perhaps it is just as well that I am not.
I like being free to pursue my other interests, hobbies, family pursuits and, well, life. Eye opening.
They all love what they do when they are teaching, but it is the rest of the demands on their time - committees and meetings and conferences and workshops and reports and all the stuff that comes with their position - that seem to consume their freedom. I had always thought about teaching at the university level, but perhaps it is just as well that I am not.
I like being free to pursue my other interests, hobbies, family pursuits and, well, life. Eye opening.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Just Cuz
I have been pretty miserable lately. Not just feeling bad, but behaving grumpy. Impatient. Snapping at every little thing. I am tired of feeling sick, tired of pain, tired of being isolated, tired of not being able to do things, tired of being alone while the rest of the world goes on its merry way. Poor way to be. Sugar ignores me. Drew quietly goes to his room and shuts the door. Really, I need to quit feeling out of sorts and get back to peace and joy. Tomorrow, I think. I will snap out of it tomorrow.
After days of such behavior, can you imagine my surprise this morning when I went in the kitchen to make a cup of ginger green tea and discovered on the kitchen table a single perfect red rose lying against a sheet of paper that said "Just 'Cuz"!!! Drew. That dear sweet child. Spent his last two dollars to cheer me up. That boy is alright. In spite of my giving him fits, he is a sweetheart. Somebody will be fortunate to snag that one.
After days of such behavior, can you imagine my surprise this morning when I went in the kitchen to make a cup of ginger green tea and discovered on the kitchen table a single perfect red rose lying against a sheet of paper that said "Just 'Cuz"!!! Drew. That dear sweet child. Spent his last two dollars to cheer me up. That boy is alright. In spite of my giving him fits, he is a sweetheart. Somebody will be fortunate to snag that one.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Crazy Cactus
Can you believe my Christmas cactus is still blooming? Today I counted 8 huge pink flowers in full bloom and about a dozen buds beginning to show. What has gotten into this adorable plant? I ask because if I thought it would help, I would take whatever is making that plant so beautiful in hopes that it would help me.
So far, I only seem to be able to replicate the prickly spiny part of the cactus (and maybe the hanging on to water puffiness). I am about as lopsided as the cactus, spilling over abundantly down one side of the pot and nearly absent from the other side. I have tried to adjust the balance, but without much success. A pruning and evening might be too severe for it to handle. I don't want to cause any irreparable damage.
Meanwhile, I truly appreciate the beauty of the green and pink of this plant. It gives me hope. For years, it sat just faded green and spines. No hope of anything else happening. I carted it about here and there as I moved around. Now suddenly in the winter of its life, it has become a jewel of brilliance and bright pleasure. I hope in my old age, I can do the same.
So far, I only seem to be able to replicate the prickly spiny part of the cactus (and maybe the hanging on to water puffiness). I am about as lopsided as the cactus, spilling over abundantly down one side of the pot and nearly absent from the other side. I have tried to adjust the balance, but without much success. A pruning and evening might be too severe for it to handle. I don't want to cause any irreparable damage.
Meanwhile, I truly appreciate the beauty of the green and pink of this plant. It gives me hope. For years, it sat just faded green and spines. No hope of anything else happening. I carted it about here and there as I moved around. Now suddenly in the winter of its life, it has become a jewel of brilliance and bright pleasure. I hope in my old age, I can do the same.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day
There has been no special someone of a romantic nature in my life for some long while now. Ah, well. I have an armful of grand babies to love not to mention children and daughters-in-law. I concentrate my love and affection on finding cards they will like and pretty stickers to tuck inside. Last weekend I ran across a delightful cache of beautiful cards that were just right.
Kelly is into dinosaurs, Ramseyes likes trucks, Shiloh needs a soft cuddly kitten, Katie is filled with wonder over anything princess. At this age, they are easy to select for. I don't send candy because I know they will get that from their parents and I think kids get too much candy all the time. So I select the stickers to match the motif of each child's card and hope they will enjoy them without driving their parents to distraction.
I dream about having them come to visit me in the summer when they are a bit older and able to handle being away from Mom for a week without getting homesick. I always spent summers at my grandmother's and loved every minute of it. I am beginning to plan now for our adventures together. I think in about 2 or 3 years, Kelly might be ready for a week with Gramma. I can't wait.
Kelly is into dinosaurs, Ramseyes likes trucks, Shiloh needs a soft cuddly kitten, Katie is filled with wonder over anything princess. At this age, they are easy to select for. I don't send candy because I know they will get that from their parents and I think kids get too much candy all the time. So I select the stickers to match the motif of each child's card and hope they will enjoy them without driving their parents to distraction.
I dream about having them come to visit me in the summer when they are a bit older and able to handle being away from Mom for a week without getting homesick. I always spent summers at my grandmother's and loved every minute of it. I am beginning to plan now for our adventures together. I think in about 2 or 3 years, Kelly might be ready for a week with Gramma. I can't wait.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Extension
I rarely have to ask for an extension to finish a paper. Once during my prerequisite coursework I asked for one. Now I have had to ask again. My professor has been aware of my kidney stone issues, and gives me another week to complete the work. I am very grateful, and begin to organize my thoughts.
Now that I am looking at the assignment with a clearer head, it begins to take on a life and shape of its own. It turns out not to be so daunting and complex, but begins to almost write itself and the meat of what we have digested begins to produce the reflections that have apparently been rumbling around inside of me for awhile.
I section off the parts and allot time and space to each of the 5 parts. Yes, in a week of evenings, I can accomplish the writing and perhaps even submit ahead of the extension deadline. I am encouraged. Maybe I am headed up the well I fell into and will be OK after all.
Now that I am looking at the assignment with a clearer head, it begins to take on a life and shape of its own. It turns out not to be so daunting and complex, but begins to almost write itself and the meat of what we have digested begins to produce the reflections that have apparently been rumbling around inside of me for awhile.
I section off the parts and allot time and space to each of the 5 parts. Yes, in a week of evenings, I can accomplish the writing and perhaps even submit ahead of the extension deadline. I am encouraged. Maybe I am headed up the well I fell into and will be OK after all.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Missing Drew
Robotics. Such a time consuming activity. They are in full swing, spending almost the entire night working on their designs and mechanics and gear ratios and weight bearing capacity. I am glad Drew enjoys it so much and that they have a better team this year than in the past.
But I have to say I miss having Drew around. We don't do stuff together really. He is in his room listening to music and doing homework and stuff. I am in the living room reading or working on a paper. But his presence is a welcome part of being home. I know I have to adjust soon to living all alone - well, except for Sugar. This is good practice, I tell myself.
Still, there is something tethering me to this particular lifestyle. Something Drew needs. Once he is really out on his own, I suspect I will make changes. Perhaps in where I live. Certainly in how I spend my time. But for now, it is enough to realize that I should not be holding Drew back just because I like having him around. He should be free to follow his dreams as I have always followed mine.
But I have to say I miss having Drew around. We don't do stuff together really. He is in his room listening to music and doing homework and stuff. I am in the living room reading or working on a paper. But his presence is a welcome part of being home. I know I have to adjust soon to living all alone - well, except for Sugar. This is good practice, I tell myself.
Still, there is something tethering me to this particular lifestyle. Something Drew needs. Once he is really out on his own, I suspect I will make changes. Perhaps in where I live. Certainly in how I spend my time. But for now, it is enough to realize that I should not be holding Drew back just because I like having him around. He should be free to follow his dreams as I have always followed mine.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
On Being a Good Gramma
My youngest grand daughter has a birthday coming up. I am notorious for sending presents that don't arrive on time. Partly due to needing to have energy, time and money far enough in advance to purchase a gift, wrap it and mail it out, partly due to not knowing what my grand children have or want or need, I just seem to struggle with the whole present thing.
Ideally I would like to be able to be with my grandkids on their birthdays. In my fondest wishes, that is what happens. I suddenly am given either a huge pot of money or a "fly free anywhere anytime" ticket so I can do that. The reality is that I am isolated from my sweeties and don't get to see them often.
I have tried scyping and webcamming, but somehow those things don't work out well. Besides, I hate to disrupt their household routines and I am never sure when its a good time to call. Silly, I know. I end up texting and calling to connect in those ways, but it is a far cry from hugging my babies and kissing their soft cheeks.
I am determined that my youngest will have her gifts on time. They are in the process of moving to a new apartment, so I send the box to my in-laws' address and let my son know where he can pick it up. Really, I have to work on this Gramma thing. There simply has to be a better way.
Ideally I would like to be able to be with my grandkids on their birthdays. In my fondest wishes, that is what happens. I suddenly am given either a huge pot of money or a "fly free anywhere anytime" ticket so I can do that. The reality is that I am isolated from my sweeties and don't get to see them often.
I have tried scyping and webcamming, but somehow those things don't work out well. Besides, I hate to disrupt their household routines and I am never sure when its a good time to call. Silly, I know. I end up texting and calling to connect in those ways, but it is a far cry from hugging my babies and kissing their soft cheeks.
I am determined that my youngest will have her gifts on time. They are in the process of moving to a new apartment, so I send the box to my in-laws' address and let my son know where he can pick it up. Really, I have to work on this Gramma thing. There simply has to be a better way.
Friday, February 10, 2012
How To Keep the Elephants Out of the Garden
Intriguing title for a lecture, to be sure. I had thought about going, but late in the day on a Friday with the weather a rainy drizzle of cold dampness, I am having second thoughts. Fortunately, my friend and co-worker is in the same boat and calls me. We talk each other into going and soon are headed across campus with our umbrellas bobbing beneath the downpour to hear this professor from Cornell.
He is an engineer and a biologist who has worked in Africa helping people gain access to water and learn to grow their own food. He talked about Hope Seeds and the abject poverty he has encountered as he has traveled, teaching people how to build water towers and irrigation projects. Yes, they had to build electric fences to prevent elephants from destroying newly planted gardens, but his hook to get us there was only one tiny part of his message.
I am reminded once again of how blessed I am, how fortunate to own more than one set of clothes, to have shoes, sneakers and boots, to eat three full meals every day. I am reminded that I must be vigilant to support projects like Hope Seeds so that others may be blessed too. I appreciate this man for his work and for the sacrifice of time and energy, for applying his expertise so that others might benefit.
I am humbled and ashamed that I have not done more with what I have been given. I had not realized how far off course I have gotten. I have my part to do. I am getting back on board with that. This man has inspired me to try harder, to set aside the things that have so easily beset me, and to get back in the game.
He is an engineer and a biologist who has worked in Africa helping people gain access to water and learn to grow their own food. He talked about Hope Seeds and the abject poverty he has encountered as he has traveled, teaching people how to build water towers and irrigation projects. Yes, they had to build electric fences to prevent elephants from destroying newly planted gardens, but his hook to get us there was only one tiny part of his message.
I am reminded once again of how blessed I am, how fortunate to own more than one set of clothes, to have shoes, sneakers and boots, to eat three full meals every day. I am reminded that I must be vigilant to support projects like Hope Seeds so that others may be blessed too. I appreciate this man for his work and for the sacrifice of time and energy, for applying his expertise so that others might benefit.
I am humbled and ashamed that I have not done more with what I have been given. I had not realized how far off course I have gotten. I have my part to do. I am getting back on board with that. This man has inspired me to try harder, to set aside the things that have so easily beset me, and to get back in the game.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Lasagna Dinner
Once again I find myself struggling with a bad attitude. I saw the urologist today, and only about half of the stone dust is gone. I still have a ways to go before I am done with this nightmare. Next time I will ask him to use the stone basket and just take the whole thing out altogether. This is ridiculous.
I am in no mood to cook for our spring lasagna dinner for our student workers. I take the chicken way out, bring two frozen trays of Stouffer's lasagna to work and have someone else cook them in the guest apartment kitchen. I am on reference, but I don't offer to help with set up and I am miffed that this was scheduled on a Thursday so I can't stay for the ending either because I have choir practice.
Suddenly I can hear myself, and I stink right out loud. I need a good talking to, missy.
Get over yourself! This is not about you or your drama. You will go with grace in your heart and be a servant to those precious kids. You will pay attention to what is happening with them, ask questions, listen. You will be encouraging, thoughtful and attentive, and you will NOT let your colleagues bear the brunt of the work either. Nobody needs a wet blanket dragging them down.
You have been focused on you for far too long. There is much more important work out there that needs to be done, so get up, get going, and no whining.
I am in no mood to cook for our spring lasagna dinner for our student workers. I take the chicken way out, bring two frozen trays of Stouffer's lasagna to work and have someone else cook them in the guest apartment kitchen. I am on reference, but I don't offer to help with set up and I am miffed that this was scheduled on a Thursday so I can't stay for the ending either because I have choir practice.
Suddenly I can hear myself, and I stink right out loud. I need a good talking to, missy.
Get over yourself! This is not about you or your drama. You will go with grace in your heart and be a servant to those precious kids. You will pay attention to what is happening with them, ask questions, listen. You will be encouraging, thoughtful and attentive, and you will NOT let your colleagues bear the brunt of the work either. Nobody needs a wet blanket dragging them down.
You have been focused on you for far too long. There is much more important work out there that needs to be done, so get up, get going, and no whining.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Easy Come Easy Go
Last month, Kiel finally was able to register his car in his own name and insure it himself. He is also now officially off my insurance. And I took the safe driver course online to reduce my insurance costs. This should cut my monthly car insurance costs in half.
And now, I turn in Drew's paperwork certifying that he took a driver's education class and that he now has his official license. That should double my monthly car insurance costs. At least I have done all I know to do to reduce costs while not sacrificing coverage. Good thing one kid got off before the other came on! Other wise I would be in a pickle.
And now, I turn in Drew's paperwork certifying that he took a driver's education class and that he now has his official license. That should double my monthly car insurance costs. At least I have done all I know to do to reduce costs while not sacrificing coverage. Good thing one kid got off before the other came on! Other wise I would be in a pickle.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Back in the Swing
Today I have a committee meeting. I am delighted to find that I am up to attending, and in fact can actually put on a happy face that feels pretty normal for a change. The pain has subsided for the most part, and the crisis appears to be over. While I don't quite have the formal all-clear, my sense is that I am out of the woods and well on my way.
I will see my urologist on Thursday, and hopefully by then I will be free and clear. Meanwhile, it feels so good to shower, dress, drive to work, be in my office, participate in productive discussions, think about upcoming initiatives, check in with everyone, smile, feel good. I think I have turned the corner. About time.
I will see my urologist on Thursday, and hopefully by then I will be free and clear. Meanwhile, it feels so good to shower, dress, drive to work, be in my office, participate in productive discussions, think about upcoming initiatives, check in with everyone, smile, feel good. I think I have turned the corner. About time.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Missed Appointment
My primary care provider has been on my case to have my annual ob/gyn check up. I made the appointment - and as usual they are booking months in advance. Who knew I was going to be struggling with other health issues? After all I have been through, I am just not up to keeping this appointment. I intend to cancel so they can give the appointment to someone else.
But I am so worn out dealing with feeling terrible that I haven't the energy to even make the call. I feel badly about it, but there is simply nothing I can do. I will probably be billed for the time. I just can't bring myself to even make another appointment. I need time to get back on my feet. Besides, if there were something to be concerned about, it would have shown up on my scans and somebody would have mentioned it.
So today I try not to think about what a horrible person I am and just cut myself some slack. Some seasons you are just overwhelmed trying to keep all the balls in the air and when they all fall down, it takes times and chutzpah to begin again. I am currently grounded for a bit and people will just have to understand. I'll get there. Eventually. Just not today.
But I am so worn out dealing with feeling terrible that I haven't the energy to even make the call. I feel badly about it, but there is simply nothing I can do. I will probably be billed for the time. I just can't bring myself to even make another appointment. I need time to get back on my feet. Besides, if there were something to be concerned about, it would have shown up on my scans and somebody would have mentioned it.
So today I try not to think about what a horrible person I am and just cut myself some slack. Some seasons you are just overwhelmed trying to keep all the balls in the air and when they all fall down, it takes times and chutzpah to begin again. I am currently grounded for a bit and people will just have to understand. I'll get there. Eventually. Just not today.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
FAFSA
I am a bit put off that I have to do both my own FAFSA and Drew's. He should be working on his own, but the government insists that I be the one doing it. All he has to do is sign electronically. Big deal. I set up his account after completing my own application and basically answer all the darn questions again.
I should be glad that there is financial aid available. If I had to come up with cash, Drew would be washing dishes at Panera's or somewhere. The whole education fiasco is a mess right now. Its a wonder anyone gets financed at the rate we are going. Attitude check. Adjust. Smile, be thankful. Got it. And I am thankful, truly. I am blessed. I wish the same for all my children.
I make a copy for Drew's records, complete with his account information. Next year he can do it himself. Meanwhile, I will encourage him to be part of all the other financial aid forms that have to be filled out. He needs to know what it takes to pay the bill. Perhaps it will help him appreciate the opportunity he is getting and not waste it.
I should be glad that there is financial aid available. If I had to come up with cash, Drew would be washing dishes at Panera's or somewhere. The whole education fiasco is a mess right now. Its a wonder anyone gets financed at the rate we are going. Attitude check. Adjust. Smile, be thankful. Got it. And I am thankful, truly. I am blessed. I wish the same for all my children.
I make a copy for Drew's records, complete with his account information. Next year he can do it himself. Meanwhile, I will encourage him to be part of all the other financial aid forms that have to be filled out. He needs to know what it takes to pay the bill. Perhaps it will help him appreciate the opportunity he is getting and not waste it.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Taxes
O how I hate to do taxes. Even though I use Turbo Tax and they ask me all the right questions and know all the forms. I am just not good at all the ins and outs of the federal government. But there is no help for it. Drew has been antsy and anxious that I hurry and get them done so he can sort out his financial aid package at RIT now that he is officially accepted. I have to get the taxes done before I can fill out the FAFSA that is required.
I know, I know. I'll get to it, but I have to have absolute quiet and no interruptions. Hold your horses and let me get on with it. Click. Click. Click. Yes, no, no, no, no. Brutal. Section by section I manage to force my way through the relentless questions, abhorred by the red amounts ticking away in the upper corner. You owe the Federal Government . . . Ouch. Today the system seems flaky. There are parts they tell me they will get to that never come up. Something is wrong.
I close out and reopen, back tracking and checking answers. Bad enough to have to work through it once, let alone twice. I find the missing links and fix them. That's better. I am closer to even-steven now. Phew. I review the past few years, and realize with a sinking feeling that my income is shrinking. Health insurance and just about everything else goes up. Except my income.
Well, not to worry. I have what I need still. God always provides. When that needs to change, He will let me know. Or just fix it. Meanwhile, I have had enough for the day. FAFSA will have to wait, Drew not withstanding.
I know, I know. I'll get to it, but I have to have absolute quiet and no interruptions. Hold your horses and let me get on with it. Click. Click. Click. Yes, no, no, no, no. Brutal. Section by section I manage to force my way through the relentless questions, abhorred by the red amounts ticking away in the upper corner. You owe the Federal Government . . . Ouch. Today the system seems flaky. There are parts they tell me they will get to that never come up. Something is wrong.
I close out and reopen, back tracking and checking answers. Bad enough to have to work through it once, let alone twice. I find the missing links and fix them. That's better. I am closer to even-steven now. Phew. I review the past few years, and realize with a sinking feeling that my income is shrinking. Health insurance and just about everything else goes up. Except my income.
Well, not to worry. I have what I need still. God always provides. When that needs to change, He will let me know. Or just fix it. Meanwhile, I have had enough for the day. FAFSA will have to wait, Drew not withstanding.
Friday, February 3, 2012
It's Official
Drew got his license. He is ecstatic. Now the battle begins. He assumes that his license is a ticket to use my car whenever he wants to. I think no such thing. Silly boy. I can't afford gas so he can go gadding about all over the place. AND I don't care to risk losing my car because an inexperienced driver didn't quite realize some detail of importance. Nope. You cannot just make plans that include using my car. Besides. I do have a life of my own that requires getting places. I will not be inconvenienced when it comes to the important things like getting to work and getting home when I am tired.
I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for someone to pick me up because I was at the low end of the totem pole and didn't rate my own vehicle. It is a rite of passage. You must earn your wheels, son. We have had the conversation that you must get a job, earn money, buy your own car, and pay the insurance and gas and upkeep. That is what it takes to deserve a set of keys.
Your brothers didn't get handed a car or the right to drive ours just because they were granted the go ahead by New York State. They may allow you to drive, but I am a different matter altogether. You must earn my trust. And that will take time. I know you see this as restrictive, but it is because I love you. I am in no hurry to place you in a compromising position that you are not yet ready to deal with. Chafe all you want. Your time will come, all in good time.
Meanwhile, you can still drive when I am in the car, and be happy I am OK with that!
I have spent a good portion of my life waiting for someone to pick me up because I was at the low end of the totem pole and didn't rate my own vehicle. It is a rite of passage. You must earn your wheels, son. We have had the conversation that you must get a job, earn money, buy your own car, and pay the insurance and gas and upkeep. That is what it takes to deserve a set of keys.
Your brothers didn't get handed a car or the right to drive ours just because they were granted the go ahead by New York State. They may allow you to drive, but I am a different matter altogether. You must earn my trust. And that will take time. I know you see this as restrictive, but it is because I love you. I am in no hurry to place you in a compromising position that you are not yet ready to deal with. Chafe all you want. Your time will come, all in good time.
Meanwhile, you can still drive when I am in the car, and be happy I am OK with that!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Nightmare in the ER
The stone is gone. After much fussing and stewing, at the doctor's instruction, I finally managed to locate the tiny string attached to the end of the stent. Really, how they expect us to do this ourselves is ridiculous. I give a little pull and the pain shoots inside me like lightning. Still, the darn thing is SO uncomfortable, that I grit my teeth and try again. This time the tube loosens and slides out. Eerie feeling, but I am so relieved to be rid of it.
An hour later, I am in agony. Has the second stone come into play? Will I ever be well again? I roll around for awhile, and realize I am not going to be able to overcome this whatever it is. I call the urologist office and they tell me to come in and see the nurse practitioner. Now I am vomiting violently. I cannot even walk. I call my daughter-in-law who agrees to drive me. Together we hobble into the office, my face white, my body doubled over, my pink bucket in hand.
She sends me down for another scan. Stone dust is everywhere. This is not good. I have to find a way to get this stuff out of me! Her suggestion? She will write me a prescription for an anti nausea medication. Go home and take more of the pain meds that are making me throw up. This will pass in a day or so. I cannot imagine feeling this horrible for another day or so. My other option? The ER. They can send me down all diagnosed and with orders for a shot of pain meds that will not make me vomit, plus the anti nausea med. Then I should get some fluids. Once the pain is under control and the vomiting stops, I can go home and wait it out.
It is clear the nurse thinks I should just go home. It is clear I cannot manage that. I opt for the ER. BIG mistake. Andrea and I sit in a chair in a hallway (the waiting room is crammed full) from 3 pm until well after midnight. Fortunately, the nurse has my orders, and she comes out in the hallway to give me the anti nausea med and takes me in the little assessment room for the shot of Torridol. Then I go back to the hallway to sit and sit and sit, waiting for the IV fluids to help with the dehydration. I don't get a room until about 4 am.
All around us there is drama. People come and go, full of business. There is an arguing family wandering the halls, worried about some child who is seriously injured. They are obviously not handling things well. There is the Queen who insists on sitting in the middle of the hallway right in everyone's way, moaning and barking orders at the guy with her. There are at least three other people there with kidney stones, one with a heart condition, and a poor deaf girl in a wheelchair who suffered in silence at the far end of the hall. I can't imagine what was in the waiting room.
From time to time people wander down to the vending machines near us to partake of the crummy snacks and sodas there - the only meal option available. Meanwhile, for at least the first few hours, I sit there violently puking. Far from alluring, I assure you. Mostly I feel sorry for Andrea. I had no intention of dragging her into this mess. Bad enough I have to be here, but she does not deserve this. After all, I am not her Mom. I appreciate her patience and her good nature even in the midst of my throwing up. She is so kind. I know she must be exhausted and the chairs are not comfortable.
When we finally get in the room, she curls up on the end of the bed and falls asleep for a bit while the nurses poke at my port and try to figure out how to hook up. They run that bottle of IV fluid so fast I am amazed I don't drown! I know they need the space. I am urinating what looks like almost pure blood at this point, but at least fluid is exiting. The doctor decides that since I am already under a doctor's care, he can release me with a clear conscience without feeling obligated to do any more testing. Thank goodness. 6 am. We head home. Poor baby. I am sorry to have caused her so much angst.
Let's hope tomorrow is a better day.
An hour later, I am in agony. Has the second stone come into play? Will I ever be well again? I roll around for awhile, and realize I am not going to be able to overcome this whatever it is. I call the urologist office and they tell me to come in and see the nurse practitioner. Now I am vomiting violently. I cannot even walk. I call my daughter-in-law who agrees to drive me. Together we hobble into the office, my face white, my body doubled over, my pink bucket in hand.
She sends me down for another scan. Stone dust is everywhere. This is not good. I have to find a way to get this stuff out of me! Her suggestion? She will write me a prescription for an anti nausea medication. Go home and take more of the pain meds that are making me throw up. This will pass in a day or so. I cannot imagine feeling this horrible for another day or so. My other option? The ER. They can send me down all diagnosed and with orders for a shot of pain meds that will not make me vomit, plus the anti nausea med. Then I should get some fluids. Once the pain is under control and the vomiting stops, I can go home and wait it out.
It is clear the nurse thinks I should just go home. It is clear I cannot manage that. I opt for the ER. BIG mistake. Andrea and I sit in a chair in a hallway (the waiting room is crammed full) from 3 pm until well after midnight. Fortunately, the nurse has my orders, and she comes out in the hallway to give me the anti nausea med and takes me in the little assessment room for the shot of Torridol. Then I go back to the hallway to sit and sit and sit, waiting for the IV fluids to help with the dehydration. I don't get a room until about 4 am.
All around us there is drama. People come and go, full of business. There is an arguing family wandering the halls, worried about some child who is seriously injured. They are obviously not handling things well. There is the Queen who insists on sitting in the middle of the hallway right in everyone's way, moaning and barking orders at the guy with her. There are at least three other people there with kidney stones, one with a heart condition, and a poor deaf girl in a wheelchair who suffered in silence at the far end of the hall. I can't imagine what was in the waiting room.
From time to time people wander down to the vending machines near us to partake of the crummy snacks and sodas there - the only meal option available. Meanwhile, for at least the first few hours, I sit there violently puking. Far from alluring, I assure you. Mostly I feel sorry for Andrea. I had no intention of dragging her into this mess. Bad enough I have to be here, but she does not deserve this. After all, I am not her Mom. I appreciate her patience and her good nature even in the midst of my throwing up. She is so kind. I know she must be exhausted and the chairs are not comfortable.
When we finally get in the room, she curls up on the end of the bed and falls asleep for a bit while the nurses poke at my port and try to figure out how to hook up. They run that bottle of IV fluid so fast I am amazed I don't drown! I know they need the space. I am urinating what looks like almost pure blood at this point, but at least fluid is exiting. The doctor decides that since I am already under a doctor's care, he can release me with a clear conscience without feeling obligated to do any more testing. Thank goodness. 6 am. We head home. Poor baby. I am sorry to have caused her so much angst.
Let's hope tomorrow is a better day.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Staying Home
Thank God for my supportive colleagues who are covering my reference shift tonight. I have tried to do everything I can to get over this post-stone discomfort. I mostly lie still, drink water, relax and pray.
If only I could use the time constructively. I have 3 post campus session papers due, one of which is a real mind bender. I want to work on it, but my head just won't focus. Especially not on something as demanding and philosophical and theological as this. I need to review all the books we were required to read, the hefty ones especially, and think along the three areas of discussion and somehow weave it all into a treatise on the foundations of the Jairus House ministry.
But my brain feels like one of those neon "Open" signs with a short it in, blinking endlessly half a word, the unlighted letters spinning off into unconsciousness. There will be no starting this paper until my body gives me back the freedom I need to think clearly. Even the other two papers require clear thinking. Not as in depth maybe, but this is, after all, a doctoral program. You can't be at half mast and stay viable.
There is nothing to do but ride it out. Surely this will come to a conclusion soon.
If only I could use the time constructively. I have 3 post campus session papers due, one of which is a real mind bender. I want to work on it, but my head just won't focus. Especially not on something as demanding and philosophical and theological as this. I need to review all the books we were required to read, the hefty ones especially, and think along the three areas of discussion and somehow weave it all into a treatise on the foundations of the Jairus House ministry.
But my brain feels like one of those neon "Open" signs with a short it in, blinking endlessly half a word, the unlighted letters spinning off into unconsciousness. There will be no starting this paper until my body gives me back the freedom I need to think clearly. Even the other two papers require clear thinking. Not as in depth maybe, but this is, after all, a doctoral program. You can't be at half mast and stay viable.
There is nothing to do but ride it out. Surely this will come to a conclusion soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)