Cantata Crunch

I am ready to roll up my sleeves and jump in. I have a good number of choir members in their seats, and I start with the first number. It is like no one has seen this music before. Yikes! No matter, I go over marks for breaths and pronunciation issues and talk the piece through. Then we sing. It is better after the talk through. I do the same for the next piece. It takes forever to mark all the places. We sing. It is better.

One of the sopranos, looking at the clock behind me, says with concern "At this rate we will be here until midnight." I realize she is right. No more talking through an entire piece. It is too complicated to make sure everyone is on the same page. I have no idea who was here for what rehearsals and who has marked what piece. I keep plugging away, pushing us to fix the broken places and get things under our belts. People who were here for marking try to let their neighbors know about any changes. That helps. This is way late in the game for us to be still struggling with entrances and pitches. Still, I have seen this choir pull things out of the fire before.

I think back. Have I provided enough time to learn this music? It is the same amount that I allotted last year, but this is a new work. Perhaps I should have done more rehearsing since the arrangements are new even though many of the songs are familiar hymns. And some of my key players were not able to make all the rehearsals. I cannot go back and give them more time. I know that often, having spent lots of time on music, letting it gel overnight brings the performance new life. Ultimately, the results rest in God's hands. We have done all we can.

My main prayer is that the people who come will be drawn closer to God through remembering Christ's passion. And if our music makes that possible, I am grateful. Tonight, I work through my score. I must have a game plan in place for tomorrow. I mark the places where we had trouble today, and list them by page and measure number to review before service tomorrow. I have 30 minutes to run the issues of 9 different songs. That is only about 3 minutes per song. I will have to be totally organized and ready. Plus I need to start and end each song so we remember the flow.

Yes, I mark for each song first 2 measures, some difficult passage, and last few measures. If I am focused, we can do it, making sure everyone remembers what we worked on today. Then, it will be what it will be.

Cyst Exam

Last time I saw my oncologist, she mentioned that my most recent scans had revealed a cyst on my left - and sole remaining - ovary. Sigh. I know I must follow up, but I procrastinate. I am tired of medical issues and procedures. Can't I just be left alone for awhile? Still, I dutifully call and make an appointment. I had missed the one in January because of the darn kidney stones.

I admit, I am a bit nervous as I sit in the examining room waiting for the doctor to come. What am I facing now? Maybe nothing. Maybe something. I refuse to entertain any ideas of cancer showing up again. But it does cross my mind. Maybe some of the pain I felt during the kidney stone stuff came from this cyst. STOP SPECULATING. OK.

The doctor pokes her head through the door and greets me, expressing sympathy for what I have been going through. She does my annual exam, then turns to the scan results to see what is up with the cyst. She doesn't think it is anything to get worked up about, but scans are not ideal for seeing what is up with ovaries. Ultrasounds will be more telling as to whether this is just a normal part of life for a woman, or if there is something unusual that needs to be sussed out. No hurry, but let's just get it scheduled. OK.

She pats me on the shoulder as she leaves and assures me that it looks normal to her from what she can tell. She will call me with the results after the ultrasound. OK. I will not worry. At least, not much.

Unexpected Dress Rehearsal

I had planned to divide the choir into sections and work on the last 4 pieces of the cantata to work kinks out of the various parts. But life has a way of interrupting the best plans. Our narrator could not be with us for the dress rehearsal, only for tonight. I need to sing through the entire cantata for his benefit, especially since some of his readings happen while music is playing and we need to get the timing to work.

Several key singers could not make tonight's rehearsal, but could be there Saturday for when the dress rehearsal is scheduled. Would it make more sense to pound parts when the majority can be there? It takes only a minute to realize that I need to switch gears in mid stream. Tonight we will do a run through and Saturday we will work on specifics. I scrap my plan and we begin.

It is difficult for us to feel any sense of accomplishment because I have to keep stopping to fix broken lines (this is where the part pounding will help). I worry that the choir will be stressed and feel unprepared to sing this work by Sunday. But there is no help for it. We must keep working. Fortunately, we are able to see all the video clips, hear all the narration, and we actually sing through all 9 songs while only going over our time by just a little.

It feels like I just rode a horse at full gallop through unfamiliar territory at night! Yikes. We had to stop a few times to relocate the right trail, but we made it. Sure hope the non-dress rehearsal gets us closer to our destination.

Day Conference

I wasn't particularly interested in exploring conflict management yet again. Was a time that I was dealing with personnel issues at another institution, and skills in that area were necessary. I tire of dealing with conflict, and right now our team is in a good place and functioning well. What do I need of a whole day exploring such issues?

But I just couldn't get it out of my mind. The darn advertisement kept popping up. I rationalized that I already had stuff on my schedule, therefore could not attend. I told myself that I had lots of other projects to work on and this was not a top priority by any stretch of the imagination. But I couldn't help feeling that I should go. When my schedule cleared and I no longer had any excuses, I signed up. After all, as a seminary student, I get to attend for free. Might as well take advantage.

Far from the kind of conflict management I was expected and dreading, this was completely global and addressed how the Christian response to conflict had been infected by cultural thinking that is counterproductive to true resolution. I gleaned lots of helpful ideas from the larger picture that could be useful on a local level and came away newly motivated to conceive of better ways of interaction with others.

Even better than the information gained though, was the community connections with people I have not had time to sit down and talk with. I valued the opportunity to chat with friends. On yet another level, I found myself engaged in conversation with a person I have known awhile who had recently gone through a difficult time in her life. She was obviously stressed and struggling and needed to talk. Just talk.

She started in, but the session began and we had to stop. I told her I would be back. These are the kinds of promises that people renege on. Who would intentionally expose themselves to another's angst when given a get out of jail free card? But I know how important it is to have a place to safely vent. I do go back during break. I began with "You were saying?" and she took it from there.

I let her wind up, get agitated, become verbally explosive, calm down, rationalize, rant, spew, sputter and eventually reach some level of less upset than before talking. I did absolutely nothing except sit still and listen. This, I suspect, is why I felt unable to get away from the idea that I should go to the conference.

Bonus that I actually got so much out of it! I hope she did too.

Kiss the Earth

Where did our balmy summer weather go? Sugar and I shiver as we step into the early morning chill. The grass glistens with the remnants of the night rain and Sugar hesitates to do her business, whining and eyeing me pitifully. Sorry, I can't help you.

As I wait for her to get bold and just do what she needs to do, I glance at the daffodils lining the pale brick foundation of the building. Most of them are bent beneath the frozen temperature. Several of them are kissing the ground full face in the dirt. How pathetic that their proud beauty has been reduced to groveling deflation. Soon their paper thin blooms will shrivel and rust, then blow away in the first little breeze like so much litter.

I am saddened at their reduced state. Hope for a full glorious spring seems bleak. Then I notice the fat greenery of the squatty tulip plants. They have not yet flowered, hugging their buds tightly to their crisp stems, swaddled in layers of leaves. Perhaps spring is not entirely done in. Perhaps there is still hope for riotous blossoming of color and life.

Near Class-tastrophe

I received a request from a professor to show her class the library resources and how to find scholarly information in a world exploded with tons of written materials. I am always happy to demonstrate our online resources, the ones academic institutions pay big bucks to access, articles that are not available through Google searches.

Class was an hour and a half, and I worked quickly to cover all the ground - books, articles, websites, reference works, media, numerous tools, interfaces and a plethora of info about how to cite all these things. At the end of class we had about ten minutes for them to quickly use these resources to find material germane to their research topics. I fielded a few questions and wrapped it up, happy to have successfully been able to stay energized throughout.

Noon. I sure was ready for a break and lunch. Off handedly, the professor asked if I was ready for the next class. Next class? What next class? I had nothing else on my schedule for the day. Turns out, she forgot to send a request for her second section which would be arriving in less than ten minutes. Yikes! I scramble to make arrangements for ref desk coverage while I teach the whole thing again, make a quick potty stop, grab my bottle of water and gear up for the next section. Not that I haven't taught back to back sessions before. Lots of my Composition classes come scheduled that way. Just that I wasn't mentally geared up for a second round.

Grace of God, it worked out fine. Once I am into the teaching, I love it so much I forget about being tired or distracted. I love showing people how to find resources. Thank goodness I didn't have a meeting scheduled, especially one off campus!

Heavenly Music

This afternoon, the RWC Chorale presented their spring concert along with the RWC Women's Choir. What a delightful afternoon of joyous music. I was so impressed with the Women's Choir. They sang from memory - kudos to them. It was a delightful program with a wide variety of styles and genres. From the very first sounds of Alice Parker’s piece to the final beat of Greg Gilpen’s they presented a mature sounding, engaging, enjoyable musical feast. My heart soared with the Alleluia, despite the Lenten taboo, and rocked cozily with the Dobrú Noc (a favorite of mine for some long time, though I have not heard this particular setting). I could almost smell the rose in Juneau’s setting, and I certainly felt the peace of Agnus Dei.

This was followed by the Chorale. Under their new director, Dr. Spillane, I was delighted to encounter so many of my favorites – Byrd and Bach especially (how appropriate for this season of the Church year!) and Mozart, which was shimmering (what else can one do with Mozart?). I always appreciate hearing Lauridsen settings.

Such soul-satisfying music. I know that just as I thoroughly enjoy hearing pieces I have come to know intimately (having either sung or conducted them), these students too will find that these works will continue to live and breathe for them, bringing joy for many years to come. Every hearing of a familiar piece touches the heart and plays the memory’s strings. And sometimes, if they are as fortunate as I am, they will have an afternoon such as today that touches the soul as well.

Happy Birthday Baby

What would you like for your birthday dinner? Hamburgs and fries? Really? Don't you want something special like lasagna or steak? No? OK. Hamburg and fries it is. Kiel and Andrea meet us at Movies Ten to watch the new Mission Impossible movie. It is one of those "heart in your throat" action flicks. 

 

Then we head home where we celebrate with not only dinner, but the new Veggie Tales DVD. After that, they all go bowling. I decline, grateful to not have to be part of that noisy environment. I don't think my delicate constitution can take all that loud music and clunking of bowling balls against pins and other things. Bowling has never been a favorite activity of mine. Kiel used to work in a bowling alley when we lived in Illinois and got pretty good at the game. He still enjoys the whole scene. Drew likes to be part of Kiel's world. 

And what does this young man want for his birthday? An electric razor! Good grief. My baby is growing up. Not sure I can afford this kid for much longer. Either that or the price of man toys needs to go down.

Too Crazy to Celebrate

Drew has plans to attend Inter-varsity stuff at RIT tonight (he has such senioritis!) and needs to run an errand before heading out. No time for the two of us to celebrate his birthday. I myself have a million things to do trying to squeeze everything into the limited weekend hours so that during the week I can focus on work. Somehow, as he and I wave at each other in passing, it just doesn't seem right.

In fact, I cannot believe this boy is 18 already. On the one hand, he has seemed older all his life. People always think he is in college or even graduated from college. On the other hand, his impish face and boyish charm endears him to those he meets. I am so proud of him. In spite of all the bumps in his road, he has managed to maintain an even keel and progress normally.

He was, of course, my surprise child. I had finished with having children almost a decade before he made an appearance. But I fully understand how gracious God was to give me such an undeserved blessing. How could I have known back then what this child would come to mean? Others took my pregnancy to be a nuisance and inconvenience. After all, I had returned to college to complete a degree and was in mid-plan when he appeared. Popular opinion would have just terminated this impediment. I am grateful that such a thought was impossible for me, but I will admit that going to classes and dragging an infant around with me was not exactly a piece of cake.

Nonetheless, it did not do me in either. I'm sure it was hard for him too, being jostled about as I attended classes, putting up with oogling by tons of students, having to squeeze in lunch between hours of keeping quiet. No lying about the house quietly in some frilly bassinet for him! I took him everywhere I went - class, library, work and all. He managed. Perhaps it was even good training!

Now the shoe is on his foot. He drags me about as he does stuff, and I am happy to be with him, just as he used to be happy to be held for hours. I suspect it will be hardest to cut the apron strings with Drew. Not only is he the baby, but once he goes off to college, I will live by myself for the first time ever! Maybe that is why I feel so down about not spending time with him on his actual birthday even thought I know we will celebrate tomorrow.

Well, it is time he moves on with his life and stops being stuck with Mom. He should spend his birthday however he wants to. And who could argue with his choice? Good job!

Regular Check Up

I really like doctors who insist on seeing you on a regular basis whether you are sick or not. My doctor makes sure I am doing all the things I should be doing and am staying on top of things. I know what tests I should be taking, what shots are needed and when, how my vitals compare over time - all the tracking of stuff that is so helpful. And she is getting to know who I am, what I look like, when I am not myself. If this keeps up, I will think I have reverted to the old family doctor model of health care.

Our conversations are always cheerful and upbeat. She is a very positive person. Even though I know there are some things I should work harder on (weight loss being one of them) she only encourages me, never berates me. She looks at all my tests and labs, weighing each result against my "norm." Then she pronounces me "doing very well!" Yes, I think I am over the worst of it, except for the occasional chemo thing. In fact, she is extending the time between visits from 3 months to 6 months, especially since summer is coming and I am planning on getting out a lot more this year. Walking is a big push for me - I am still seeking walking partners, so if anyone is game, let me know!

I have already reserved a tent space in two different state parks for long weekends of being active. Yes, I am planning on dragging Drew along if I can. And Sugar. It should be an interesting summer. Meanwhile, I am ecstatic to be pronounced normal for a change. Yahoo and hallelujah. I feel better already.

Turning Point Park

Yeah - I am setting a trend. Today I have the morning off because I work until 9 pm at the reference desk, so I contacted my friend (another friend - I am so blessed) to see if she might be able to join me. Yes, she can! We had walked last year at a delightful place filled with swans and turtles and wooden walkways over the water. Enchanting! I would like a return engagement.

We agree to meet there at Turning Point Park, and I take Sugar with me. She is a bit of a nuisance, but the more I take her, the better she will adjust to being around others. It must be 78 degrees out with blue skies and warm sunshine and a bit of a breeze. I know I am just getting used to walking, but I feel ready to take it on today. Everyday I walk, the better I will get at endurance and stamina.

We decide to head in the opposite direction that we walked last year, and it is still along the river. While the swans and turtles are no where to be seen, the forsythia is beginning to bloom yellow and bright and there are little yellow daisies along the pathway. We walk and chat. She is kind to let me carry on and on about all my health issues and she listens with comments that are helpful.

I am aware that I am huffing when she isn't, and that she is walking slower than she normally would. I am grateful for her kindness and consideration. She steers me in the gentler directions and is happy to turn around before she would have had to, just to make sure I don't overdo.

We pass a couple fishing from a decrepit dock, numerous bikers, several couples walking, and not a few men out with their dogs. Sugar is doing a bit better, but still wanders from side to side. She does sit when I tell her, and her staying power is improving - unless someone speaks to her. Then she is all over them with eagerness. Pet me, pet me, pet me! Silly dog. But people are pleased to pet her and make a fuss.

We walk for about an hour. I am doing OK. No aches in my hips or feet, no overwhelming tiredness, no completely out of breath huffing. We stand in the parking lot finishing our catching up (we haven't seen each other for awhile). And we make plans to do more walking. Our next big idea is to take the Mount Hope Cemetery tour. About 1 1/2 hours and interesting history.

Can't wait. Meanwhile, I expect that even though Saturday is supposed to be a chilly 50, I will do my best to walk again. Maybe I can convince Drew to go to Highland Park with me. Sugar likes Highland Park, and at the rate we are going, the lilacs are likely to be all in bloom!

Walking With Drew

I text Drew from the car before heading home after work. It is so gorgeous out I want to take a walk before we have dinner. I made sure to get away on time for a change and not hang over to clear up questions. I almost feel guilty sneaking out right at 5, and am a bit surprised to realize everyone else is doing it too!

Drew grabs the dog and her leash and we head to Henpeck Park. Since we have mostly walked toward Manitou Road, we decide to head in the opposite direction. The canal walk is busy. Lots of joggers, bikers, dog walkers, and friends meandering. I am happy to meander. Though the trees are still bare branched, the grass is glorious green and little flowers pop out here and there. The water in the canal is still at the low level, filled with scummy green moss and brown with dirt. Here and there some bit of junk floats, a half of a pink ball, an empty Clorox container.

Sugar is delighted to be out and wanders all over the path. Drew has a hard time keeping her under control. Every time we see people coming (especially bikes) he makes her sit. But getting her to stay until the all clear is another matter altogether. She just wants to lick everybody in sight.

Suddenly a fish leaps from the puddle of water in the canal. It is a huge carp that clear the water and then vanishes into the murky shallows, leaving behind rings to mark the place. I am shocked that a fish so huge can exist in so little water. One of the women walking past tells me they are mating like the salmon do. Fish Erotica, she calls it. I don't care what they are doing. I just can't imagine staying alive in a teacup of water!

Sugar doesn't care one fig about the fish. Drew urges her to run on ahead with him, but she cannot leave me behind. She half heartedly runs with Drew, but keeps looking back to make sure I am coming. I walk a bit faster. She does not let me out of her sight. Ah, kids. Your life is never your own.

Daffodils

Yesterday, one lone all yellow daffodil danced lazily on the soft summer breeze. Yes, it was so warm and amazing I was sure summer had come. Sugar, Drew and I started to take a walk, but the rain chased us off after a mere ten minutes.

Today, the whole perimeter of the building is laced with clumps of daffodils that have a deep orange center surrounded by a white lace bib. Tulip greens are shooting up and the bird song is tremendous.

I watched with intrepidation as the road crews took down all the (totally unnecessary) snow fences from along Elmgrove Road. I am almost afraid they will regret this move. That's just the kind of action to force us into a blizzard of frozen whiteness!

Everyone is talking about the jet stream being so out of joint that we are getting sun and warm while California is getting cold and snow. How unusual. For now, I will enjoy the beautiful flowers and birds and bask in the warmth of the sun. But I refuse to take off the snow tires until May.

A Not So Fond Farewell

My neighbor told me a week ago that they are moving. Said he found a nice townhouse over in Fairport that was better for them. I congratulated him on the upgrade. This makes the third neighbor in my side of the building that has moved out since I moved in - and there are only 5 units!

I never got to know the first downstairs people. They left within days of our moving in. Then the other downstairs people moved out. Now the neighbor across the hall. I felt a bit guilty that I had only gotten to know them on a surface level. Really I should have been more interested. I know the wife suffers with bad arthritis and bad health issues, and that the husband, an older skinny guy with long gray hair, smoked like a haystack.

Beyond learning their names (which took the better part of a year), I can't say as I really know much more about them. Imagine my surprise as I stopped to chat with our new downstairs neighbor who just had rotator cuff surgery. He told me they had been evicted and were being sued for money and all sorts of things I had no idea about. It practically made my hair stand on end. I am totally naive. And relieved that they moved out. Good grief.

Now I am trying to move beyond my selfish "Lord, send me fabulous new neighbors (or let the unit stay empty a long time)" to "Lord, send someone who needs a good neighbor and let me learn to be one." It is not an easy sell especially in light of what I just learned about the previous neighbor! We shall see.

Walking

Hooray! My friend is able to walk with me today. I hurry though my housework - dishes, laundry, dusting, scrubbing. I leave vacuuming the floors for Drew. I finish just in time, hook Sugar to her leash and head to HenPeck Park. The sun is glorious, the air warm and inviting without being searing. The mostly empty canal is oblivious to either weather or walkers, and there are many people out.

Most walkers are paired, a few single walkers sport dogs, and occasionally we encounter a threesome. My friend and I walk along impeded only by Sugar's ridiculous tendencies to sniff everything in sight, criss-crossing in front of us or lagging behind and entangling us in her leash. She whines to greet everyone we pass, especially the dogs. Bikers ring their bells to let us know they are passing. Two lone ducks float along beside us as we chat.

I remembered to wear a hat with a brim, but realize I should have slathered sun screen on my arms and neck. Imagine needing sun screen in mid-March! Today I manage to make it all the way to Manitou bridge before turning around. Still, I have to sit at the picnic tables that are almost back to the houses. It's not bad though. I still have energy to work this afternoon and my legs aren't giving me any complaints so far.

I could get used to this Saturday foray. I hope I do!

Small Group

Tonight Drew has reluctantly agree to go with me to the Lenten Bible study. He knows most of the people who come since he attends Community of the Savior where most of them go. And he rides to church with the host family. We park at the curb and ring the doorbell. The two little girls answer our ring, and grin when they see Drew.

"Are you coming downstairs to play with us during Bible study?" the eldest girl asks. She is dressed in a gorgeous green princess dress complete with pink slipper high heels and a tiara that would make any princess jealous. Her younger sister is also dressed for the ball. "No," Drew tells them, and they pout just a bit.

Drew is used to lectio divina - the practice of reading a passage of Scripture repeatedly, giving time for meditation and reflection in between readings. After each time the John 3:14-21 passage is read, we all write down what stands out to us, who we identify with, how the words make us feel, any situation in our current experience that the passage speaks to.

After three readings, we share our insights and questions. It makes for a very rich understanding of the words. Sometimes I don't exactly follow the significance other people are touched by, but that is OK. I am sure they don't always connect with my thoughts either. It does make for fascinating conversations. What I find interesting is that Drew sees almost the same perspective and patterns that I have written down. I am a bit amused that we are such carbon copies of each other. I don't know if that is good or bad!

Either way, I think he enjoyed the evening, and stayed afterwards to chat until I finally had to drag him out to the car. I appreciate him sharing this time with me. Who knew the boy knew so much about fractals and the human eye and the properties of light? Makes a mother proud to have such a kind and thinking son.

The Hymn Sing

One of our international students stops in to my office from time to time to catch up on news and sing a few hymns with me. I always enjoy our hymn sings! At Christmas, he went home to visit his family - something he does not do every year. I was happy he had the opportunity to be with his parents and siblings and relatives in his own country, in his own home, in his own bed! It must have seemed like heaven.

That sweet boy brought me back a gift - a hymnal from his home church! He had brought his copy for our hymn sings from time to time and it is so different from anything I have ever used. The texts are often familiar, but the tunes are all new. In his hymnal, they print the tune at the top of the page and the verses beneath. It is sometimes a challenge skipping back and forth until I learn the tunes.

He, of course, knows them all by heart - or at least most of them. He has a rich baritone voice and loves to sing. The resonance and warmth helps cover my scratchy and not fully recovered less than pretty sound, but together we blend nicely. Sometimes he will ask what tune I know, and I teach him the one I am familiar with. Its a wonderful exchange.

Today, for the first time since I received my beautiful gift, we sang together. I asked if we could just start at the beginning and work our way through the whole hymnal! He agreed and we sang three for our maiden hymn sing. I know full well we will not make it very far because this amazing young man is a senior and will graduate this May.

I bless him for taking precious time out of his full schedule to spend a few minutes sharing his faith culture with me. What a great way to start the day!

Exhaustion - But Not Mine!

Wednesday night is my evening shift at the library. I wound things up and headed out, calling Drew from the car in the parking lot to see what he was up to and whether he had eaten yet. I had not had an opportunity to partake of dinner (or supper, depending on your upbringing) and thought he might be willing to get something started.

No answer. Sometimes he is in the bathroom or walking the dog. At the first red light, I called him again. 6 rings and voice mail came up. I am suspicious. Sometimes he takes a nap when he gets home from school, and doesn't wake up when he intends. One more red light, one more call, still no Drew.

I arrive home and all the lights in the apartment are out. Could it be he has gone somewhere and left his phone at home? Naw. He is glued to his phone. I unlock the door, step into the darkness, am bowled over by Sugar, and flip the light switch on. After hanging up my jacket (notice I did not say coat - way too warm for a coat these days) I walk down the hall and open Drew's bedroom door.

Sure enough, he is sprawled out on his futon fully dressed, hair tousled, sneaker dangling over the edge. He starts awake and stares at me. "Did you eat?" He shakes his head no. "Do you want to have something with me?" He mumbles something unintelligible and flops back down, instantly deep into his dreams again.

I think Robotics has caught up. That and all the reading he is doing to catch up in English (they are reading the Hunger Games). I close the door, shepherding Sugar back to the kitchen. Let him sleep, poor thing. I know what it is to be running on the raw edge for a long time, and then crashing.

I break an egg into my frying pan and smash the yoke. Sugar licks her chops. Drew will grab something in the morning, I am sure. Besides, I spy an almost empty donut hole container and am pretty sure he did not deprive himself before flinging his worn out body into the comforts of bed.

Academic Day

Every other year, Roberts sponsors a day of academic exploration, wrestling with current issues and concerns. We invite someone from outside our ivory towers to come in and rattle our cages, help us shake off the dust and see a bit more clearly what is happening out there in the real world.

This year we invited Nicholas Carr, author of "The Shallows: what the internet is doing to our brains." His contention is that our ability to think in certain ways is influenced by what we are engaged in. Our brains readily adapt to our actions, increasing size in one area, while letting atrophy decrease other areas of our brain. He builds his case carefully, citing other mind impacting technologies of the past such as the clock and the printing press and the map.

His concern is that the internet, with all its interconnectivity, all the media and hyperlinks and vast array of information, is causing us to lose our ability to think deeply and linearly and critically. We are learning to be only partially engaged momentarily with a topic, then flit quickly to the next, dragged away by some link or clip or distraction.

Discussions ranged from "I know I have been experiencing a frustrating inability to focus lately. This could be why." to "I wonder if this accounts for the increase in ADD and ADHD and anxiety disorders we are seeing now." to "I think I will find some ways to spend less time online and more time reading and connecting in person."

It was an interesting and thought provoking day. We shall see what comes of all the conversation.

Possum Massacre?

I was driving home, tired. Already it is dark outside. Traffic is light and I can actually do the speed limit of 55 on Buffalo Road. A car is coming toward me, headlights momentarily blinding me. I see something move in the road ahead and apply my brakes. Some animal is crossing the road. It steps onto the shoulder, safely out of harm's way, and I accelerate.

Suddenly, the critter turns and steps back into my lane of traffic. I can see clearly now a bloated gray body, beady eyes, a long pink tail, little paws raised like questions marks. "No. Don't do it," I think quickly, but it is too late. I cannot brake in time despite the fact that there are no cars behind me. I cannot swerve because of oncoming traffic and there isn't enough shoulder.

With a sickening thud, I hit the not-so-little possum. A jolt of nerves shoots through me, and I feel nauseous. I have slowed down, but to no avail. I creep to the next parking lot, pull in, and check my car. No blood. No dents. No sign of having just murdered one of God's innocent creatures. I am still shaking. It tears me up that I have inadvertently taken a life.

I drive back slowly, looking for the body. The least I can do is make sure it is out of the road. But there is no body. I drive past the place three times, but cannot find any gray mounds. I wonder if the poor thing managed to survive? Perhaps it crept off down the little bank and back into the woods where it was headed in the first place. I hope so. I hope it is not suffering. At least there were no babies involved. Oy.

I head for home, grateful that it wasn't a deer or a person. At least there is that.

Long Walk

I promised myself that I would get outside and walk. I so need to regain strength. Yesterday was time for my Vitamin B shot, and I forgot to take it, so today I am exhausted. But I take the shot and then go walk. My friend from last week couldn't walk this week due to other social engagements, so Sugar and I brave it alone. At least there is no wind to bother Sugar.

We start along the canal walk and the glorious sun beams down on us with gusto. The canal is still almost empty of water, a skinny greenish brown puddle ripples in the bottom of the canal, but others are out walking their dogs or jogging or just enjoying the weather. I pass the turnoff to the park and keep going. I know that this path stretches to Manitou Road and beyond. I am not sure I can walk all the way to Manitou Road. It is a good mile or more, but Sugar is certainly game.

Once we get beyond the trees and out in the open fields, I can see the bridge at Manitou Road. It seems like a reasonable distance, so I head confidently in that direction. Joggers pass. Dog walkers pass. Little children pass. I know I am slow, but there is no hurry. After what seemed a long time, I don't appear to be any closer to the darn bridge than I was 20 minutes ago. I keep plodding along. Ten minutes later, I am still just as far away. My eyes are playing tricks with my legs!

I make a good effort, but I finally remind myself that I have to walk back the whole way I have come, and I turn around. My hips are beginning to hurt and my legs are tired. Still, it is a beautiful day. Sugar is having a grand time greeting every moving thing that comes our way. She wriggles with delight and sniffs like crazy. Thank goodness there are no bicycles to be concerned about today.

After a bit of concerted effort, the pine trees slide into view following quickly by the handful of houses clustered by Henpeck Park where we left the car. I am relieved to see them, though not overwhelmed by the walk. Sugar is panting slightly, but acquiesces to my request to get in the car. It has been a good start. Now if I can just keep the momentum going!

Robotics

Drew's last year as a high school student to participate in Robotics. He loves working on the robot, but is frustrated this year because their progress has been slow. The team has spent hours and hours working on the mechanics, software, and hardware. Many nights he didn't get home until after 2am. Now they are at competition, and in the first heat, their robot wouldn't even move. After all that work and discussion and testing!

By the second match, they were moving, but functionality was not what they had hoped for. Performance remained spotty throughout the event. Some matches they actually won, some the robot did what they wanted it to do, other matches the darn thing just tipped over and that was that. Drew said he spent about an hour talking through what worked and what did not work for each match, then strategizing for the next match.

I feel for his frustration. I can almost see and hear him stretching, maturing, learning how to function under duress, how to work with others, how to prevent problems and how to handle the ones that get through. For all the losses in this year's tournament, he has gained in so many ways. I know he does not yet appreciate this, but eventually he will be able to look back and see it. In the tough places of life, we grow.

Lenten Bible Study

Members of Community of the Savior who live on the west side of Rochester are meeting for the next few Friday nights, gathering together in one family's home to ponder Lent, to scour Scriptures together, to share our insights and experiences of the season. It is a wonderful time of fellowship and conversation uncomplicated by the usual constraints of meeting times. We just come, pray, read, talk, then go.

I find it interesting that we can be reading the same text, but bring such a diversity of understandings and insights. We have all experienced many events that lend themselves to the subject at hand, no two alike. This is even better than a book discussion group. And it is only for a limited time. Sort of like indulging in a rich, decadent dessert for a special occasion. I do feel like I go away licking my mental and spiritual chops. Kind of a far cry from giving up something for Lent. I am getting a bonus for Lent!

Snowdrops

Incredible weather! Sunny, warm, blue skies - you would swear it was late spring. All the trees are beginning to bud. The daffodils are tall, dark green and loaded with swollen blossom pods that surely will burst open any day. Sugar and I relish our morning walks and I delight in the chatter and song of so many birds still hidden from sight but not from hearing.

My friend at work told me her cats already spotted their first robin, their noses glued to the bay window by her couch, their greedy eyes darting back and forth as they watched the brilliant red breasted bird hop about pecking for worms.

Already the landscaping company has been pruning bushes and digging about, preparing for a glorious floral display soon to be put in place. I am suspecting that Easter this year will outdo itself with color and glory - provided we don't slide back into the winter weather we had all expected.

This morning, as I stepped off the porch, there are 2 pure white snowdrops, their heads nodding gracefully in the slight breeze, their bashful faces coyly facing downward on the slender necks of their stems. How beautiful they look surrounded by the still-green grass and the black of the earth under the eaves of the building. I stoop to drink in their quiet elegance. Neighbors walk past on the driveway, happy to be out in such wonderful weather. We wave.

Two neighbors are moving this weekend, and one next. People are tired of the same old same old and are exchanging their older apartments for something newer and more amenable to their desired lifestyle. I am happy for them, and content to stay put for myself.

I smile at the little flowers, so fragile and brave, facing Lord only knows what in the upcoming weeks, but choosing to live in the happiness of the moment. I, too, appreciate enjoying what a day brings. And I lean on the Lord for times when a day brings less than the enjoyable. Celebrate the goodness! Yeah, snowdrops.

It Must Be Spring

We were having a serious workshop in the Fireside Reading Room. Library trends, products, changes in vendors, lots of necessary information gathering from heads of libraries in the Rochester and Buffalo areas. Suddenly, in the middle of a powerpoint presentation, we became aware that a young man had climbed the tree just outside the window. There he perched, his back against the trunk, his feet bracing against a sturdy branch. And from there he began playing his guitar and gazing out across campus as nonchalantly as if he were standing in the safety of his dorm room.

We simply stopped our meeting, completely dumbfounded at the audacity of youth. He was oblivious of our presence. I think half of us wanted to call his mother and the other half wanted to haul his butt down out of that tree. After all, he was as high as the second story of our library! But somehow we just couldn't bring ourselves to do anything. We stood there and gawked at him as if mesmerized. We are desperate for this youthful lust for living.

After a bit, he easily swung down from his stage and sauntered off, no harm, no foul. We shook our heads and went back to our labor, but his little foray into spring fever invigorated us all. Ah, to be young! I would not go back there for anything!

Lighten Our Darkness

I ordered a 1 cent CD from Amazon titled Lighten Our Darkness, that is an Evensong service recorded in an Episcopal church. It is one intended to be sung in September, but the title intrigues me. It came today and I listened to it in the evening while Drew is working on homework and robotics. It is soothing and calm, a combination of chant, hymns, anthems, organ pieces and Scripture readings.

I try to follow along, but the texts are not included in the liner notes, and I don't happen to have a Book of Common Prayer at home to follow along. The Scripture passages are fine, but the words of the hymns and even the anthems are blurry, like listening without your glasses on. I had hoped this might be a good template to follow, or at least to discover pieces that I could add into the mix as I am planning the DVD services of prayer for cancer patients.

I have learned. No blurry words. Provide the full text with the DVD. And the whole must hang together better. Every word, song and Scripture must focus on the same uplifting idea. Wouldn't this CD have been more effective if we started low and dark and ended up light and bright??!! Sigh. Perhaps for the time in which this service was created (early 1900's) that was the effect. But in this day and age, it barely makes a blip on the radar screen.

Back to my own drawing board. As I become familiar with these sorts of resources, I tend to find little gems and bits that I know will bring significance to the prayer services I am working on. I feel like I am harvesting wild strawberries. Long hours culling through weeds and bug spit to collect tiny dots of luscious red sweetness. But once the collecting is done, oh, what you can do with it!

The Key Thing

Drew was late getting up. My main focus was to get him on the bus. Today is a tight schedule. I am teaching a class at 8, and want to be at the library early to set up, review, make sure everything is in place. Andrea is coming by at 10 to borrow the car. Kiel has to drive to the east side of town to pick up a van for work. If we just keep to the schedule, it should be a piece of cake.

In fact, I walk Sugar and am a bit ahead of schedule. Good. I button my coat, grab my purse and fumble for my keys. Suddenly, panic runs clear through me like a bolt of lightning. My keys. Drew had them last. No, no. Please let them be here. I search to no avail. My heart pounding in my chest, I text Drew. Where are my keys?

I get the return text. Shooooooooooot. They are in his backpack on the bus on the way to Finney. No, no, no. I don't have any way to deal with this. I need my keys. The clock is ticking. I call Kiel. He answers still groggy with sleep. I lay out the problem. I hear him sigh. And sigh again. And again. There is no help for it. The keys, including the second set in Drew's pocket, are unavailable and my car is officially out of commission.

We scramble to come up with an alternate plan. Now everybody is running. I stand by the window waiting for my ride to appear, watching the time melt away. I will be lucky to get there in the nick of time now. I debate whether to call and let people know I am delayed. If the car doesn't show in five minutes, I will have to call. Oooo - there it is. I run out the door, praying that I can somehow get there with enough time to at least get the monitor and computer online.

I make it with 2 minutes to spare. The class is late getting there too, which gives me time to collect my scattered thoughts and be calm. He didn't do it intentionally. And he is very penitent. I have three texts of Sorrys to prove that part. I admit my first presentation lacks a certain continuity, but I have recovered by mid class and am fine for the other classes. Ah, me. Life has a way of throwing you curves. Good thing I can repeat my motto: It's a library. No one will die.

Consolidating

So Kiel asked me to help him fill out paperwork to consolidate his school loans. Ugh. I hate paperwork, especially if it involves thinking in numbers. I would rather butter bricks on a construction site. But he is my son and he is giving me his best puppy dog eyes and I know I will help.

Typical of so many government programs, the directions are confusing, the bits and details of information required come from a thousand different documents, the verbiage is confusing and contradictory. No wonder he is overwhelmed and asking for help. I have not done this myself yet but will likely have to face it at some point. So here goes.

We puzzle it out one grueling detail at a time. If you take the time to work each part thoroughly until you have it right, it all comes together. It takes us a good hour to complete the first loan. But we have carved a path and we can retrace our steps to add in all the loans. Once the way is clear, he is good on his own and I am released from duty.

I am happy he has this option. I pray the end result will make the repayment at least somewhat reasonable. I shake my head. Knowledge is not free. It is not cheap. But it is necessary. I am happy to leave him at it.

Wind, wind, blow away

I am determined to find walking partners. I am not beneath stooping to bribery. I manage to talk a friend into meeting me at a park today for a short walk. She debates the wisdom of the idea when the 50 mph winds appear, but I am firm about beginning this necessary exercise program. I will not let a little wind deter me.

We head into the full force of the wind right from the start. Our words are tossed about in gusts that splatter our hair against our cheeks and toss dirt and debris thither and yon. We keep turning our heads aside to be able to take in a breath without drowning in air. Tears trickle down our red cheeks, but we tough it out. We wander about following different paths until I know it is time to head back to the cars.

Good thing the wind is at our backs now, blowing us along. My friend is a fast walker, pushed into quicker gaits by the cold wind. My legs and ankles are screaming for relief. I finally admit I have to go slower, and she understands, but I suspect it is torture for her, especially given the weather conditions.

With all the fighting against the wind, I didn't have time to think about other impacts until I am safely tucked in my car, out of the force of the unrelenting wind. I expect to be exhausted, coughing worse, short of breath. But I am surprised to find that the blood is pumping and I am energized. I am breathing deeply. This is good. This is what I wanted to experience. Yes,

She has agreed to meet me next Saturday as well. I hope she will keep me at it until it becomes second nature for me. One good stroll a week to flush out my system and invigorate and strengthen my muscles. At least until summer camping kicks in!

Medical Tally

E-gad. Shocking. By January 12 I had already met my $2600 deductible. Less than 2 weeks into the new year. Phew - enough to make your head swim. By mid-February, I have paid out of pocket (including the deductible amount) $4000 of the max out of pocket expenses of $6000. And the chemo has not been added in. I am certain that little $10,000 stint will take me clear out of the ball park for my part in this health care fiasco.

I cringe when I think of people who have no health insurance. Kiel is still fulfilling his waiting period of 3 months to get coverage. He is balking at the cost of it, but one little kidney stone, and you get it all back and then some. In fact, he is holding off on some things he needs until the insurance kicks in.

What is the most frustrating is the lack of action to address this situation. There has been lots of debate, lots of ideas thrown out there, lots of skepticism about making any move at all. While the legal system debates, the rest of us are in a stew. Of course there will be no easy fix, but do something. Get the ball rolling, and then steer it in better directions as you see how things are working. It is easy to be paralyzed with fear and control issues. But come on. Surely there is something that can be done.

End of rant, climbing down off soapbox and trying to figure out how to donate unused prescription meds to those who cannot afford them . . .

Tired

We looked for the call number of a particular book, and find it. I ask if the student has ever been in the stacks to know how to find the book, and he has not. I am happy to show him. We start the climb up the 30 steps to the second floor. My legs complain. I ignore them. At the top, still conversing with the student, I find myself out of breath, but try to cover my huffing and puffing.

We locate the book and he stays to peruse the shelf while I head back down. Now I have a meeting upstairs, and begin the long trek again. My legs are shouting and trying to wobble. I ignore them. How will I get any strength and tone if I never work these muscles? Again at the top I am huffing and puffing. Good. Breathe deeply.

I go home for lunch and climb the 20 steps there. My legs want to buckle, but I am relentless. You will do this. Of course, I grab the handrail and do some pulling just to help out a bit. This time I am not huffing or puffing at the top. Progress! (and fewer steps).

When I am recovering from chemo, I usually take the elevator, but I have decided not to baby myself even when I am affected by toxins. The more I move, the sooner the bad stuff will leave my system. Reference desk shift brings several more opportunities to climb those daunting stairs, and I do it with determination. My legs think my brain has gone south, but they have no option except to obey.

I am tired just sitting. So why should I give in to that and just sit? If I am going to be tired anyway, I might as well get on with it and use my built in stair stepper. The tiredness will pass either way. It always does. Not exactly 'no pain, no gain' but in the long run, I will be stronger for it.