Five Dollar Peace of Mind

Yesterday I was testy all day. I told the boys upfront that I am unnerved by the upcoming treatment, and if I am grumpy, it's not them, it's me. Today I have to begin the potassium iodide treatment to protect my thyroid gland from being destroyed by the radiation I will get.

I thought this was a medicine that I would take once before each treatment, and I was stressed because it is an iodine based solution, and I still am not convinced that iodine is something I am not allergic to.

According to the specialists, my seafood allergy and my IV dye allergy are not related. Most people who are allergic to seafood are allergic to a protein in them, and most people allergic to IV dye are allergic to an oil in the solution. So they feel that I do not in fact have an iodine allergy. But that's most people.

The one comforting thought about it came during prayer last night when the Holy Spirit reminded me that every time I have a surgical procedure, people look at my chart and ask if I have ever had an allergic reaction to the beta-iodine solution they use on your skin. I never have - hey! One piece of information that would suggest a situation in which I am NOT allergic to iodine.

Then I learned that I would have to take this medicine 3 times a day for 3 weeks! Yikes! The thought of starting this part of the treatment at home alone was terrifying. There is no pretreatment prescribed in case I am allergic. What if I have a reaction? What if my throat swelled shut and I couldn't breathe? What if - Well, I realized I could not deal with this calmly and rationally.

I tried to think about what exactly frightens me so much about this thing that to all my doctors is not even a blip on their radar screen. They have helped many patients through this process, and not encountered anyone having trouble with this.

I am not afraid of being dead - I'll be in a much better place. I am concerned about the boys being left alone, but I have made plans with my sisters and sons, and left them in God's hands, so they will do just fine. It is that transition area. I do not want to be alone struggling between life and death. I surely want to be able to get help if possible.

The solution? As ridiculous as it sounds, I decided to drive to the hospital and take the medicine there. I can sit and read in the waiting area. If I have a reaction, help is right there. If I don't have a reaction, I have lost nothing but the parking fee, and no one will ever know. So for my peace of mind, that is what I do.

I encounter a bit of an itchy feeling, but no hives. I have a bit of numb tingling in my feet, nothing serious. I am comfortable that I can take the next dose at home. The overwhelming fear is subsiding. I refuse to feel ridiculous about it. You do what have to do for peace of mind. And I am willing to pay the $5 for my lack of trust.

Its a learning curve. I am so like a child in some ways. At my age, go figure.