Coping

Although the heaviness and darkness has lifted, I recognize that I am still under the influence of the drugs and not acting myself. I decide to go with it, and sequester myself in my bedroom, moving all my medicine bottles, my laptop, and my snacks to my room.

I do not get dressed. Today, I will rest my spirit as I have often rested my body. I will not push through the glumness. God will lift me, or the doctor will change the medicine. One or the other. Not to mention that the final radiation treatment is still hanging over me and could very well be playing into this moping.

Being Sunday, it occurs to me that perhaps attending church online might be a good antidote. I attend the National Cathedral - it seems horribly sad and glum to me. I go to Duke University Chapel. The speaker of the day is ridiculous (its me, I am sure). I check out a few links my friends have sent me, but nothing seems to set well. I finally give up.

I alternately sleep and watch funny movies. The boys poke their heads in and I simply say I had a rough night and am not feeling well - true enough. I have to eat in order to take the medicine, so I nibble on bread and cheese and grapes. I know I am not good company. I do not fuss. I will wait it out. If there is no change by tomorrow I will call the doctor.

My son from North Carolina calls. At first, I don't want to answer it, but I want to talk to someone. So I answer. I am morose for a bit, but as I hear the girls (Kelly and Katie) chattering in the background, I become interested in what they are doing. They are watching a cartoon called Olivia the Pig (silly sort of thing). I hear their peals of laughter.

DJ is kind of down about finances, and nothing he says is particularly uplifting, but as we talk, I feel my depression lifting. We change subjects to more joy filled topics - Christmas and autumn leaf collecting and making cookies and dressing up for Halloween (Kelly wants to be a girl for Halloween!).

Suddenly life doesn't seem so bleak. We chat a bit more, and then he has to go. I wonder if the depression will return. But Kiel pokes his head in and I know I am over it. I suggest getting some take out for dinner and watching a movie. I come out of the bedroom. I smile and chat and I know that whatever it was that set me off has passed. I am relieved.

The rest of the evening passes normally with running conversation and delicious food and a bright outlook. Will the depression come back? Maybe. Is it entirely medicine induced? Maybe. Is it part and parcel of dealing with cancer? Probably. But for tonight, I look forward to sleeping peacefully. Even Kiel prays that I will sleep well when he comes to tuck me in.