I had been told about pre-chemo nausea - just the thought of having to go to the Infusion Center is enough to set off real feelings of nausea for some cancer patients. They even offer pre-treatment to help people deal with it. I haven't experienced that, but I sure had a bad case of the jitters today.
What set it off was the discussion about my immune system blood levels being so low and my mouth sore not healing very fast. I almost felt like I needed a few more days to get back to some sort of even keel. As I began to realize that each time I get a dose, I will be starting at a lower state of strength with more compromised systems, I began to fear that I wouldn't have enough stamina to get through the entire 6 rounds. If I am already having problems, what will the next one mean for being able to ward off infections and other issues? Even my port hasn't healed the way I would like it to have.
So for a few hours, I was sliding down the hope scale until I remembered that I am still in God's hands, people are praying for me, and nothing had changed except my mindset! How silly to let my fears get so out of whack. Still, it happens. So I concentrated on some Bible verses for awhile, repeating them to remind myself of God's promise never to leave me or forsake me, to be my fortress and strength, to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with me.
I know that tomorrow, he will be with me. I will feel His presence and peace, and know he is guiding the doctors and nurses who are helping me. So for tonight, I will both lay me down and sleep for the Lord is with me.
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