Anger Management

3:28 am. I have been tossing and turning all night in a prednisone-induced inability to sleep. My legs keep contorting with chemo side effect tingling and numbness followed by bone pain which I imagine comes from the cancer cells being attacked. My scalp hurts. I swaddle my legs in pillows for a moment of comfort only to have to reposition in minutes. Heat helps, but soon the hot flashes force me to toss the hot water bottle and blankets aside and dangle my legs over the edge of the bed.

Worse yet, Kiel finally comes home after promising to be back around midnight. He piddles in the kitchen getting something to eat, wakes the dog who barks, lets her out of her crate and she immediately jumps in bed with me, landing on my poor legs. I drag myself out of bed to shoo her from the room and close the door. Now the room will turn stuffy with no cross ventilation and no air conditioning in my bedroom. I am angry.

I lay back down, my mind shouting angry comments. They spew up inside faster than I can think them. How could he . . . rant rant rant. I am in full blown anger mode. I hear in my heart that calm gentle voice I have heard so often before. "If you could just set this aside for a minute, I'd like to share some thoughts that will help, give you some needed insights." But I don't want to set my anger aside. It feels good to vent my frustrations. I feel like being angry. After all, I am justified. I am right. I have a valid point or ten. Besides, if I can't express my anger to God who already knows how I feel, well. You get the gist. "OK," the voice says. "Rant on Daughter. When you are ready to listen, I will be here."

I think about that. My interest is piqued. I'd like to set my anger aside, but I don't seem to be able to turn it off. I am stuck. I can't stop. There seems to be no end to this ugliness. Now what? "I can help with that," the voice inside me says.

Immediately, the angry thoughts disappear. Evaporate. Gone. In their place, I suddenly see a panorama of information laid out before me showing family heritage, family lines of training and thought patterns. I had been well aware of the facts, the knowledge about the various families that are part of our background, but somehow I had never seen the interrelationships I was beginning to see for the first time, to get a glimmer of understanding of the complicated interactions of so many factors and thought patterns and habits and heritages. Most of the grandparent generations had never even met each other much less interacted. How could I have never thought about the confluence of such disparate streams and experiences?

Understanding how the facts connect is only step two in gaining true godly wisdom. The next level is knowing what to do with that understanding, how to act on it. Knowledge, understanding, wisdom. That's the formula. I wanted to immediately jump to wisdom, but God knows I am no where near ready for that step. I need time to thoroughly explore the interactions, to meditate on how we got where we are, to clearly see every indicator. That will take time and a lot more sessions (which, btw, the progress made in this little half hour session would have taken a dozen years of therapy to reach).

With this overarching perspective to consider, my anger at sleepless inconvenience had dissipated. What a much more beneficial perspective and behavior. I wanted to contemplate these wonderful new insights, but instead I slipped into a deep, peaceful and refreshing sleep. Sigh. Why didn't I start there in the first place!