I have been warned before that sometimes when people have been undergoing cancer treatment such as chemo for awhile, just the thought that you are about to get it again can make you nauseous and feel weak. I have only experienced that once or twice, and it was mild. I recognized it right away. Today though, it is not nausea or weakness that I am experiencing. It is downright rebellion. I just don't want to go through this again. To quote the familiar saying, I am sick and tired of being made to feel sick and tired. I entertain the thought of just saying NO!!!!
I recognize that I am short tempered and argumentative. I feel shaky and cross. Glorified menopause. Boo. I want to run and hide. In fact, I would like to hop the nearest plane and head for the Bahamas or somewhere that the infusion center would never find me. Kvetch, kvetch. I remind myself that I am fortunate to be able to afford and receive this treatment. I remind myself that chemo is not my enemy, but helps me deal with cancer. Cancer is the foe here. Right. Get mad at the cancer. Get a grip for cryin' out loud!
Fortunately, I will not have much time to dwell on this. I have a full schedule today. Providing a library orientation for new faculty at Roberts followed by the first senate meeting of the academic year, then helping our new reserves person process requests and getting the new evening supervisor set up, train of the new course management upgrade, meet with the Provost and Academic Vice President to talk about budget issues, and make sure everything is covered so I can be out tomorrow! Phew! Mission accomplished.
Go home, walk the dog, make sure the apartment is clean and everything is caught up because I won't have any energy to do anything for awhile, stock the cupboards and put gas in the car. Tire yourself out and refuse to think about tomorrow. And for goodness sake, don't let any gloomy thoughts penetrate your breath praying. God is with you. Nothing has changed. Chemo or no chemo, the anticipation alone will kill you if you let it, so don't let it.
Besides, you asked for prayer at church, and by God's grace, you brought all this to the foot of the cross and received strength and encouragement to walk on unencumbered by fear and jitters. You were anointed by the pastor and prayed for by the elders with passion and touched by Christ. Walk in THAT now and be at peace. God is with you even in the worst chemo treatment you have ever been asked to endure.
I recognize that I am short tempered and argumentative. I feel shaky and cross. Glorified menopause. Boo. I want to run and hide. In fact, I would like to hop the nearest plane and head for the Bahamas or somewhere that the infusion center would never find me. Kvetch, kvetch. I remind myself that I am fortunate to be able to afford and receive this treatment. I remind myself that chemo is not my enemy, but helps me deal with cancer. Cancer is the foe here. Right. Get mad at the cancer. Get a grip for cryin' out loud!
Fortunately, I will not have much time to dwell on this. I have a full schedule today. Providing a library orientation for new faculty at Roberts followed by the first senate meeting of the academic year, then helping our new reserves person process requests and getting the new evening supervisor set up, train of the new course management upgrade, meet with the Provost and Academic Vice President to talk about budget issues, and make sure everything is covered so I can be out tomorrow! Phew! Mission accomplished.
Go home, walk the dog, make sure the apartment is clean and everything is caught up because I won't have any energy to do anything for awhile, stock the cupboards and put gas in the car. Tire yourself out and refuse to think about tomorrow. And for goodness sake, don't let any gloomy thoughts penetrate your breath praying. God is with you. Nothing has changed. Chemo or no chemo, the anticipation alone will kill you if you let it, so don't let it.
Besides, you asked for prayer at church, and by God's grace, you brought all this to the foot of the cross and received strength and encouragement to walk on unencumbered by fear and jitters. You were anointed by the pastor and prayed for by the elders with passion and touched by Christ. Walk in THAT now and be at peace. God is with you even in the worst chemo treatment you have ever been asked to endure.
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