Ooo. I feel terrible. I am unsettled. I can't get things to behave and be orderly. Every time I manage to clear a spot it fills up again with more stuff. I feel like I am being drowned. After all I have done to ensure things will fit, they don't. Or at least the continual clutter makes it feel that way. Will Drew ever find time to take care of his stuff? If he would just stay home long enough we might make some progress. I am totally unstrung by all the plastic shelving units that are uneven and cluttered with a myriad of messy wires from sound systems and games and whatnot not to mention the scattered boxes half empty, the dirty clothes on the floor, the scraps of paper everywhere.
Tonight is more than just move-in distress though. I know I have been fighting the usual annoying symptoms - darn cough, aches and pains, fading in and out of chemo brain. Part of the reason for the move is so I can manage things more easily. Tonight I just can't seem to get myself to bed. I watch a silly old movie where it is snowing (How to Marry a Millionaire with Marilyn Monroe) and I keep moaning 'snow' as if the coming winter were upon us any minute. Even Drew remarks on my situation, especially when it gets to be 2 am and I say I don't think I will be able to go to church in the morning. Now that's disturbing for him to hear.
Then I remember. God is my comfort and shield, a very present help in time of trouble. With a sigh, I lie down and rehearse my angst to his ears. I am old. I am dysfunctional. I am headed downhill. I have no reprieve. I am - but the truth is, God is. God is able, God is love, God is my source and supply, God is my healer, God is with me, God is in charge. And on that little note, I sigh with relief, my eyes close and I drift off to sleep dreaming of the place he is preparing for me. I am pretty sure it will not be filled with clutter!
Tonight is more than just move-in distress though. I know I have been fighting the usual annoying symptoms - darn cough, aches and pains, fading in and out of chemo brain. Part of the reason for the move is so I can manage things more easily. Tonight I just can't seem to get myself to bed. I watch a silly old movie where it is snowing (How to Marry a Millionaire with Marilyn Monroe) and I keep moaning 'snow' as if the coming winter were upon us any minute. Even Drew remarks on my situation, especially when it gets to be 2 am and I say I don't think I will be able to go to church in the morning. Now that's disturbing for him to hear.
Then I remember. God is my comfort and shield, a very present help in time of trouble. With a sigh, I lie down and rehearse my angst to his ears. I am old. I am dysfunctional. I am headed downhill. I have no reprieve. I am - but the truth is, God is. God is able, God is love, God is my source and supply, God is my healer, God is with me, God is in charge. And on that little note, I sigh with relief, my eyes close and I drift off to sleep dreaming of the place he is preparing for me. I am pretty sure it will not be filled with clutter!
No comments:
Post a Comment