She is still hanging on, bless her heart. My brother mentioned to her that everything is in order for her to go, that she had said her goodbyes to all her children and made her peace. She responded that she didn't want to die. She wasn't ready. What? You have been saying for over two years that you don't want to live. Now suddenly you don't want to die? Really?
But it isn't so much that she doesn't want to be with her Lord or see Dad again. It is that she is concerned about how she will get there. Will it be painful? She watched Dad die in agony with lung cancer. She is scared of what might happen to her while she is in the process of passing. I understand that. We assure her that we can give her medication if she is in pain, but that's not it.
I do get it. I have endured some pretty horrible physical contortions in my various treatments. Things I would like to forget and never experience again. Will that be what it takes to die? No thank you. Ideally, one should simply go to sleep one night as usual and wake up in heaven. No struggle. Or just drop dead instantly of some heart attack or ruptured aneurysm. Certainly not in agonizing pain and terrifying fear. And hopefully not a slow and painful lengthy time. We do not get to choose.
I have thought that the challenges we encounter in life prepare us to face our death with bravery and strength. It may be so or may not. I only hope when my time comes, God grants me grace. I surely do not wish to put my children through a difficult time. But seeing someone die is the only way we learn anything about what to expect. I have been with four people when they passed and each one experienced something completely different. All of them had no choice. One you begin, you usually can't quit. Even if you get a reprieve, you will come to the task again. It is inevitable.
So I spend my time praying for Mom, that God would strengthen her and give her courage and grace. I am proud of her. I only wish I could be there to hold her hand, even though she would likely not know. Hugs, brave lady. Peace and shalom.
But it isn't so much that she doesn't want to be with her Lord or see Dad again. It is that she is concerned about how she will get there. Will it be painful? She watched Dad die in agony with lung cancer. She is scared of what might happen to her while she is in the process of passing. I understand that. We assure her that we can give her medication if she is in pain, but that's not it.
I do get it. I have endured some pretty horrible physical contortions in my various treatments. Things I would like to forget and never experience again. Will that be what it takes to die? No thank you. Ideally, one should simply go to sleep one night as usual and wake up in heaven. No struggle. Or just drop dead instantly of some heart attack or ruptured aneurysm. Certainly not in agonizing pain and terrifying fear. And hopefully not a slow and painful lengthy time. We do not get to choose.
I have thought that the challenges we encounter in life prepare us to face our death with bravery and strength. It may be so or may not. I only hope when my time comes, God grants me grace. I surely do not wish to put my children through a difficult time. But seeing someone die is the only way we learn anything about what to expect. I have been with four people when they passed and each one experienced something completely different. All of them had no choice. One you begin, you usually can't quit. Even if you get a reprieve, you will come to the task again. It is inevitable.
So I spend my time praying for Mom, that God would strengthen her and give her courage and grace. I am proud of her. I only wish I could be there to hold her hand, even though she would likely not know. Hugs, brave lady. Peace and shalom.
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