Present, Past, AND Future

When you are standing ankle deep in water and suddenly see a tsunami about to devour you, there isn't much you can do except grab onto what ever you can and hang on for dear life. It's all about the present. You are totally in the moment, scrambling, trying to keep your head above water. There is no past, no future, only now.

Once the main danger is over, you find yourself dealing with the aftermath, the work to get to solid ground. It is still very much the present. That's what cancer is like. You first deal with anything life threatening, and your focus is on right now. Once the immediate danger is past, you deal with the aftermath, the chemo, the treatments, the side effects, trying to keep your head above water and avoid any aftershocks while scrambling to get to higher ground as far away from imminent danger as possible. There is no past, no future, only the immediate - survival.

When you finally find yourself in some stable condition, then you need the past - if for no other reason than to remind yourself that life will not always be this disaster. There have been many, many good times in your past, and reflecting on them helps you gain perspective. This too shall pass. Your whole world does not consist of the present moment, the current battle. You can drown out the noise of the persistent immediate with the balancing memories of the whole picture.

And so I have had lots of present and past going on in my head. But I knew I had turned a corner when I once again began to think about the future. I can finally see myself in a few months getting back to business, picking up the pieces, moving forward. I can once again put some thought energy toward Jairus House, toward PrayerSong, toward the upcoming choir season and of course, the important work at the library. I haven't quite managed to add into my thoughts all those future plans, but I can see them, can begin to think about how things might be, see what I will need to do to prepare.

It is very freeing to once again have healthy thoughts about tomorrow. I didn't even realize that I had not been doing future planning, that I had been so absorbed in the present and relying so heavily on the past to maintain my balance. But it feels good to approach life once again with thoughts of tomorrow and what life will bring. Progress!