Sunday. Once again I want to go to church, but find I am too done in to go. I swallow my disappointment and remember that there are online sites where I can view decent church services. One of my favorite sites is the Duke University Chapel. They have marvelous guest speakers, and an interesting liturgy. I scroll through the archive to see who has spoken recently and am delighted to find two of my favorite authors listed! Yeah!
First I watch a Lenten season service where Jeremy Begbie spoke, then the Palm Sunday service with Walter Brueggemann as featured speaker. While not the same as going to my own church, it was engaging and a welcomed change of pace.
Afterward, I glanced around the apartment at stuff that needs to be done. There is always cleaning that must happen. And then there are those little tasks that I keep putting off because I have no motivation or energy to see it through. I need to write thank you notes and pay some bills and make shopping lists and all those little life details that one gets wrapped up in.
Suddenly, I rebel. I decide that today I will not "do" anything. I will rest. I have lost track of what day is what because every day seems the same. I need to set aside this day in particular and make it my oasis in the midst of the storm. I will not think hard thoughts, deal with big issues, mope, feel obligated to do anything, or guilty for not doing something.
I will simply relax and rest. And so I do! Sleep comes easier and feels sweeter. I do not fuss about getting meals at any special time, just when I am hungry. I keep it simple - quick to fix stuff. I do not watch the clock to make sure Sugar stays on any sort of schedule. We go out when we want, stay in when we like. No plant watering, no TV, no noise, no agendas, no thoughts of outstanding tasks. Just rest. Real freedom to rest.
It is a detachment that brings peace. I used to experience it when I visited my grandparents in the summer and we sat outside in lawn chairs and hammocks in the early evenings. There is a certain sense that all is right with the world, that nothing will fall apart nor will I explode, that life has its own pace that happens with or without me, a rhythm set in motion long ago when creation was just an idea in God's mind, a majesty far beyond the smallness of my existence.
It is very healing. I should definitely do this more often, cancer or no. I highly recommend you try it!
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