Radiation Protocols

It's just a consult, a pleasant conversation about what we might think about, right? Nothing to worry about. Wait! I am not ready. I latched onto the doctor's statement about how we should have an action plan in a month or so. Not yet. Don't talk like this is happening, that its inevitable. I need more time.

I want to go see Katie and Kelly. I want to finish the semester of study and wrap up the school year with Drew. I have projects to plan and organizing to complete. I have people to see and places to photograph for my Jairus House patients. Please don't make me do this.

That's what I want to say. But of course, I bottle the shock inside and smile nicely while they enumerate the potential side effects of the radiation treatments. They act as if this is everyday stuff, and I know it is. But I had a bad time last round, and I am gun shy about having to do it again.

I say so. They listen with respect, and try to allay my fears. Really, it is totally different. The doses are not as heavy duty, the cancer is more responsive, the time frame is 3 weeks, not 12 weeks. You will breeze through it. Might get a sore throat, feel like you have a lump when you swallow, get a bit of a "sunburn" on your chest. Minor stuff.

They hand me a booklet titled "Radiation Therapy and You" with the appropriate pages circled. Inside is a bookmark with my nurse's name and contact information in case I have questions or encounter problems. The oncologist hands me his card. He is very pleasant and filled with fun. We have an interesting conversation about all sorts of topics - kids, my D. Min degree, choral music, life.

Inside I am running like mad in the opposite direction. You are not going to make me go through this again! Outside, I know that what he is saying is true. The location is driving the need to address this sooner rather than later. If the vertebrae goes south, the spinal cord is at risk. One good dose now could save me weeks and months of trouble ahead.

OK. Deep breath. Pray. God, please let me escape without any side effects. Give me grace to prepare for this, gratefulness for the chance to have this, and courage to face life head on knowing that you will be with me, that you are preparing me for whatever may come.

And please let my legs stop shaking. Amen.