Doctor Solutions

I like Dr. Hayden. She shoots straight from the hip and doesn't mince words. On the other hand, she is compassionate and understanding. Before we got into the current problems, she asked me how I was doing with all the testing and cancer issues. Normally, no matter who asks me that question, I always say, "I'm doing fine, thanks for asking." And for the most part, that is the truth. So I was surprised to hear myself say, not 'hanging in there' or 'holding my own' but "Not too good."



Really? Am I not doing well? It must be so because I felt like crying, and the tears were banging on my eyelids to get out. It is quite wearing on you to undergo test after test after test and never be released from the bomb hanging over your head, ready to go off, never knowing what it is or how to address it because you can't quite determine what the problem is.



She knew immediately and said as much. It would be different if we knew what it was and had a plan of action to move forward. But not knowing and always being reminded that its there because of the procedures that force you to face it takes a toll. You can't plan, you can't put things off because you may become incapacitated at some point, you can't think ahead because there may not be an 'ahead' - you go through the motions without being able to commit to things.



Well, I appreciated her concern for me. We move on to today's complaints. I tell her I don't know if its the lymph nodes thing, my age, the weather, the flu. She laughs. She adds "STRESS" to the list. I smile. I have always been able to look calm cool and collected on the outside, but my body knows when I am upset and reacts accordingly.



She suggests that I begin taking an aspirin a day, and writes me a prescription for a blood pressure medicine. I knew that was coming. My blood pressure has been horrible for months. My bloodwork is all within acceptable and normal limits, though I could stand to work on my cholesterol level a bit (comes of eating consolation foods. . .).



She will see me again in a few weeks, and hopefully by then I will have a solution to the problems. I smile on my way out, because I know the solution to all problems: take it to the Lord in prayer. I still feel punk, but I believe she has put her finger on something important. Things will resolve at some point, even though I have been dealing with this for a year and a half, ever since my first visit to Yale. I think God brought me here partly to be at this cancer clinic where there is less academics, less assemblyline, more individual attention, better strategies in diagnosing.



See? It will all work out. Meanwhile, I will take full advantage of this weekend and catch up on some much needed rest.