Next Steps

Things are moving along at their inevitable pace. Today I wanted nothing more than to find one of the delightful little nooks and crannies that are ubiquitous on this campus and just sit and soak in the warmth of the sun, the beauty of the landscape, the quiet of a campus on summer slowdown. But alas! There was little to no sun, not much warmth, and absolutely no time to sit and reflect. That will have to come later.

Now there are thousands of details to plan, transitions to be made, ways of letting go here and connecting there. In a way, that's good because it does not give me time to think about what may indeed be going on here. Can I really just get back to living life, or is this thing still hovering in the background just waiting for a chance to resurface? Of course, I refuse to think that. I way prefer to approach life as if everything were hunky-dorey and exciting.

But the constant tiredness and the aching add that tinge of reality that keeps me from giddily floating off into the sunset. So I must choose to continue as if nothing were wrong while knowing that in good time, if there is something more to face, I will be given the strength and support to handle it gracefully.

Meanwhile I have been so amazed at the outpouring of support from everyone - even people I do not know have contacted me with words of encouragement and support. I am so thankful for it all and find myself shaking my head in wonderment. It gives me energy to actually do stuff!

So the next steps for me are planning for the 2 weeks at Concordia immersing myself in sacred music and drinking in the restoration of being in God's good presence, enjoying Christian fellowship. Then there will be finishing packing, transferring duties to someone else, completing endless paperwork, changing contact information, taking up residence in the new place, finding new doctors, new mechanics, new stores, settling in to a new apartment, getting a new table and couch, decorating - wow! This could be fun. Connecting with friends I haven't seen in a long time, getting to explore possibilities, perhaps even setting up Jairus House.

For those who haven't heard my hairbrained scheme, I want to make a place where people dealing with or recovering from cancer can come apart to a place of great beauty and be restored. It comes from the story in the Bible of a man who had a daughter who was very sick. He came to ask Jesus to come to his house and heal his daughter. While they were on their way, someone came from Jairus' house and said that the daughter had died and there was no need for Jesus to come. But Jesus went anyways. He brought the girl back to life.

And here is the interesting part. He had to tell the parents to feed her and get her out of bed. Its not always intuitive as to how to help someone recover from a long and serious illness and return to normal. If there is a normal. As a cancer patient, I returned from the dead at least once along the way when things were touch and go. But even trying to put your life back together once you are free of immediate health threats is not easy. You discover as you go that there are residual effects. Chemobrain was a big one for me. The tiredness, the internal damages, the heart issues - they all surface and must be dealt with after the main event.

And that's just the physical symptoms. How do you even figure out the emotional toll, the spiritual drain? How do you putting your life back together? I'd like to create a place where people can come aside from life's stress and strain, surround themselves with beauty and goodness and learn to take a deep breath again, learn to unwind, to trust, to feel, to connect with God, to deal with things so they can be nourished and restored.

Well, I will take each step as it comes. And at some point looking back, I suspect I will see God's plan in all of it, and smile at how sensible and well ordered it was.