A Sort of Anniversary

How odd on a Sunday not to be in church. I haven't the heart or stability to go. I know people will express their sympathy, and I will cry. It's not that I am opposed to crying, its just that I would rather mourn privately right now. And since there is no choir scheduled, I take off without inconveniencing anyone.

Thirty-five years ago on this day, I was getting married, filled with all the expectancy of a new bride, hoping to fulfill major portions of that great American dream of having a loving family, a house, a full life. This year I look back at broken dreams, at unexpected turns in life's path, and the unthinkable. While things certainly didn't go the way I had hoped, I still have lived a good life filled with exploration and freedom, with fulfillment and significance, with love and a share of happiness.

I prepare for the trip to Lake George tomorrow, knowing that in years to come, I will add December 23rd to my list of anniversary dates, it now being the anniversary of Dad's homegoing, just as January 17th is the anniversary of Michael's homegoing. These anniversaries become days of remembering, of celebrating the good aspects of how our lives intersected, of doing little gestures in their honor that bring relief to others still here, people who never knew the one who died, and don't even realize they are benefiting because of someone else's existence.

Not your typical anniversary, but a commemoration all the same of a significant life event. Some people celebrate first dates. I also celebrate last dates. I sort through my closet to find appropriate outfits for the funeral activities. Nothing too stark black or harsh. Something softened and sad. A dusky blue top with black velvet flowers strewn across the fabric. A cozy houndstooth sweater with more black than white. These bring me comfort in my sadness, a touch of beauty and elegance among the harsh realities. I will wrap myself in them as if in a hug and attend with pride these last dates with family.

I will be ready for tomorrow, if one can ever really be ready to say goodbye.