Moping

I look in the bathroom mirror and wonder who is staring back at me. Surely this old woman with no hair and wrinkled skin plastered with brown old age spots cannot be me!

Yet I find myself often sitting slumped over like someone in their nineties, or walking at the excruciatingly slow pace of an ancient person. I have to be so careful of what I eat for fear I will not be able to digest it - the constitution of an old worn out bag! Not to mention the little "accidents" that sometimes creep up on me with no warning.

Its not fair that I should experience old age before I am old! Perhaps my frustration is a sign that I am feeling better and now have enough energy to want more out of life than old age. Still, you get a bit mopey thinking that you will be like this for the rest of your days. A bit like being in leg irons with a very short connecting chain.

That would be my impatience shining through again. I am done with chemo, so I should be able to just get back to normal routine and activity. The reality, of course, is that it will take several years to get back to whatever level of activity my new normal will allow.

Meanwhile, I smile at Drew as his long legs and youthful energy allow him to outwalk me in stores. He could walk circles around me. Instead, he finds creative ways to move at his own speed without leaving me behind. Its good not to be left behind. Sort of like I used to do when he was first learning to walk and I put hurry aside to enjoy baby steps.

Deep breath. This too shall improve.