FINAL FINAL

I stared at the email subject. FINAL FINAL. What was I thinking when I wrote that!?! I was thinking that in the midst of packing and wrapping up work and entertaining Drew's and Kiel's friends as they say farewell, I must have been crazy to have added in completing the final for my Sacred Choral Literature class!

I had planned to complete it last weekend, but somehow I just could not get myself to work on it. It's not that it would have been hard or that my brain couldn't have come up with some answers. It was just that I had no motivation to look at it.

I have left Concordia, I stepped out of that ethereal world, I am up to my eyeballs in the reality of now. I long to be re-immersed in music, but I can't afford time to do that. So rather than pack or be useful in any way, I rented movies and sat on the couch dozing and pretending to watch some mindless drivel as if I were engaged in some productive activity.

I have no excuse. I could say I am tired, but I am no more tired than I have been before. I could say I don't feel well, but I only have the same few symptoms as I have been having. I knew there was some reason for my procrastination, but rather than figure it out and pick myself up by the bootstraps, give myself a good talking to and moving on, I decided to just go with the flow and not beat myself up over a few moments of lazing around.

So I watched movies, I pretended to pack, I drove Drew to youth group campouts, I did laundry, I cooked stuff - everything but work on my final. Somehow, late Sunday, I made a start on the thing. It was a slow start. I reviewed what I had already done, made it look prettier, added some small amount, looked at the questions, and doodled around.

By Monday, whatever had been holding me back passed and I began in earnest to work on the thing. In order to make sure I didn't lose my work (since I was working from different locations), I kept emailing it to myself with exam, Exam, EXam, EXAm to differentiate one version from another. Gradually, as I neared completion and was just proofing and fine tuning, I began using the word Final in the subject line. And I ended up with the finished project being labeled FINAL FINAL.

I mailed it off with a sigh of relief and was surprised to feel as if a huge weight had been lifted. It wasn't hard. It didn't take all that much time. I liked the analyses. I'm still not sure what the hang up was. All I know is that now I am free to tackle the dwindling list of stuff to take care of. 2 more days at the library, one more night at the clubhouse, final packers come this afternoon, movers tomorrow morning, clean, turn in the keys, jump in the car, et voila! And I was still able to loll around on the weekend, thanks to a little help from the boys to finish getting things packed.

Perhaps I am discovering my gentler, less driven side (my non-American side as my friends from Europe like to tell me). Or maybe I am learning from Mark Twain who says,

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

So until tomorrow, I bid you adieu.