Getting Ready

I don't usually have such a difficult time thinking about getting a chemo treatment. I have been doing this for a long time. There is nothing unexpected, nothing all that big a deal. This will be my 16th round of Rituxan, and I still have 8 more to go over the next few years. But something inside will just not sit still.

I consider calling my pastor and asking for prayer. I mean to do it. I keep getting sidetracked. Besides, something inside keeps saying how silly it is and how unnecessary. After all, its not like I can't handle a little chemo. But I know deep inside that it is not a sign of weakness to ask for prayer. Of all people, I should know that.

I am sucked into one issue after another all day at work and by the time I am free, the day has ended and it is really too late to ask for a meeting. I know people are praying for me, and I decide to let that be enough. I could have called the pastor and had him pray for me over the phone, and I know the pastor would not have minded. But I am all out of sorts. What is wrong with me?

Maybe its because three friends of mine have lost their battle with cancer in the last few months. What if I am next? I have been holding on until Drew at least graduates from high school and he is getting close. What if I run out of time? This is not some silly game. This is for all the potatoes.

My friend once told me that I have every right to be distraught about having cancer. After all, what I am going through is not nice. I should be upset. True. I responded by saying that really, I had been through much worse and by comparison, this wasn't such a big deal. Also true. But by comparison with how things should be, its all out of whack.

I give myself permission to be distraught. Then I find I am too tired to be upset or angry or fearful or anything but tired. Maybe that's it. Maybe I am just worn out with having to intentionally make myself submit to these bouts of feeling horrible over and over.

I tumble into bed and just say, "Dear God - " That is as far as I can manage. Dear God. And in those two words, all the everything inside is said. At once I know he has heard and knows exactly what is what. I can rest. Its as simple as knowing that I am in good hands no matter what. I drift off to sleep. We will see what tomorrow brings.