Flu Shot

Today I see my primary care physician. Last time I met with her, I ended up scheduling a boatload of tests, none of which had any indication of why I feel yukky so much of the time. I am not eager to see her again. I expect a lecture about eating better, exercising more, losing weight - its all my own fault.

I know all that. If I could figure out how to eat better without killing my insides, how to exercise when I am so exhausted that I can barely sit in a chair after work is over, and how to lose weight since I can't eat healthy or exercise faithfully, I would DO it! Maybe she could support me financially so I could focus on these things :)

Well, she surprises me today. We have conversations that run something like "Do you think you are depressed?" "Not really, but I am open to exploring that." "If you are depressed, you are the happiest most upbeat depressed person I have ever met. I don't think that's it." "What do you think it is?" "We'll have a better idea of what its not after the rest of the tests are done." "I see."

In the meantime, my vitals are all good - temp, blood pressure, heart, lungs. We discuss whether I could fit a shingles shot in between chemos, but decide its too risky to have a live virus and compromised immune system in the same body. She asks me to present left arm for the seasonal flu shot. Done.

She will see me again after Christmas. We head to the desk to make the appointment. Suddenly she turns to face me and says "You have every right to feel bad. Your body has been through a war. Its no wonder you don't always feel good. It's not your fault. I think you are doing amazingly well. So don't beat yourself up when you have a bad day or two. Its to be expected. You know? Let yourself be OK with bad days. Over time you will improve."

Then she moved on to the next patient. I stood there surprised. Wow. She gets it. When you have been physically abused, your body is bound to hurt. Right. I realize she has to run the tests to make sure it isn't something else, but she also knows I am the walking wounded some days. And since we both know that, its OK. I will eventually figure out how to eat better and get the right exercise and get that weight down. Good.