Crying at Weddings

I was honored to be invited to the wedding of the daughter of a co-worker in the library. It was a last minute invitation. Some guests from out of town and rsvp'd their acceptance only to discover that they could not attend. So food had been had ordered for them that the mother of the bride did not wish to waste, and I got the invite. I didn't know the bride or groom, but I was happy to attend and participate in their joy. Besides, others from the library were going, so I would know people there.

The couple had already married a few years ago, the groom being a marine and his being stationed where ever it was had hastened their marriage. But this was the big celebration, the official marking of the event. The ceremony was at 2:00pm, and began with a video of the two separate lives juxtaposed in age-appropriate photos of cuteness straight through until they were together. The music behind the pictures underscored their feelings for each other. It was right out of a Disney movie.

I watched the beautiful young woman adorned in a gorgeous full flowing white lace dress come down the aisle, preceded by the bridesmaids in muted green gowns, the maid of honor, and the two flower girls. It was picture book. Everyone was coiffed and bedecked beautifully. They lighted the symbolic candle, hugged the Moms, gave them roses, said their own vows, and then so quickly and glibly said "I do."

"Wait!" I wanted to yell. "Not so fast. Do you know - do you really understand what you are saying?" Its so easy to vow commitment without knowing the terms under which you will be asked to honor them. I looked around. Everyone was crying.

The Moms and Grandmoms were bawling, the aunts, the bridesmaids - in fact, it seemed like ALL the women in the room were dabbing at their eyes. "Why is that?" I wondered. "Why do we cry at weddings?"

I know why the woman next to me was crying. She is wrestling with a dysfunctional marriage due to previously undiagnosed mental problems of her husband. I know how painful that can be. I know why the bride's aunt was doing more bawling than usual. The bride's father had passed away several years ago unexpectedly at a rather young age. His presence was acknowledged by the photo on the platform, and the fact that the bride's two brothers gave her away (and they were both crying).

But in general, why do women cry at weddings? Is it because we know what is coming, know that this moment of bliss should be cherished because it will soon be obliterated by piles of dishes and dirty laundry? Is it because we remember what it is to be young and in love and on top of a world we no longer find so bright and shiny? Or is it because we envy her the attention and thoughtful gestures her companion is showering her with, gestures that soon fade and fall by the wayside.

Or is it really because we are all hoping for her, for this newcomer to marriage, hoping that somehow she will be one of the lucky ones who will, despite all the hazards of life, get to live the happily-ever-after fable we all believe in. I have seen one or two couples who got that dream. At ninety, they were still remarkably in love, still regarded each other with respect and esteem, still treated each other as equals, were still deeply in love, still looked forward to waking in the morning and facing each day together on whatever great adventure the day would bring forth.

They had their storms and difficulties, but they helped each other through it, worked to minimize the scars, salved each other's wounds, made sure the other was alright. Survived matrimony and ended up as friends. I rarely see that. Still, it is what marriage was meant to be. Companionship. Caring. Helping each other out. And not losing the passion. Not hot physical passion. Deep abiding oneness.

Its out there. Its not common. I don't know about others, but I think perhaps that is why I cry at weddings where I don't even know the bride. I think it is an admission that I failed to achieve that dream. I recognize that after the death of a son, the severity of poverty, the hurt of betrayal, the pain of cancer, I have too many life wounds that left deep scars, scars healed only by the hand of God. That dream of growing old with my true love will never be for me.

But this one, she might get there. I hope she does.