Closet Doors

I don't know why, but lately I can't stand to see a closet door open. In my Connecticut apartment, I found myself getting back up at night after settling in under my new quilt (which Drew arranged with my Mom to have made for me for Christmas - but that's another story) to close my closet door. Its not that I'm afraid, nothing like a child worried about the boogie man or anything like that. I'm sure at some point I will figure out the 'why,' but for now, I have to bite my tongue when Kiel leaves the front hall closet doors open.

My own closet here in Rochester is off what used to be a half bath attached to the master bedroom in which I sleep. I wish they had left it a half bath, we sure could use it. I dislike having to share a bathroom with boys (and they with me). There is a door to the closet, but not to the half bath. That doesn't bother me.

Then there is the hot water heater closet in the hallway (which is painted shut - I have an appointment Saturday for them to come and open it for us) and that doesn't bother me. Drew has a closet in his room, but I can't see it (and usually when I do look in his room, its not the closet that bothers me!).

The only other closet is the one Kiel is using located right by the front door. It is crammed full. Once Kiel goes back to school, it will likely thin out a bit in content. But when he forgets and leaves one side open, my skin crawls.

Maybe its because I need to feel like I am in control of my life, like chemobrain is not a factor in my functionality, like there aren't mounds of things requiring my attention that I don't always get to in a timely fashion. In reality, I have little control over things, but I like to pretend that I do. Maybe that open closet door is a reminder that there are hidden things that will come out one way or another - about my cancer returning, about the financial pressure of medical bills, about health options.

For now, I just keep closing the doors and hoping that Kiel's departure will mean that those doors stay shut! Meanwhile, I will unpack another box. I have determined that I will eliminate all the cardboard from my apartment and live like a "real person."