Second Round

So there I was, standing in the elevator of a new building with several other people. Every floor had various organizations or services except for the sixth floor. That was completely occupied by the Yale Cancer Clinic which had outgrown its hospital location. Everyone pushed their floor button and so did I. I was already a bit self conscious pushing 6. I wondered if they knew by the floor I was headed to that I have cancer. I glanced quickly at the others after pushing the button. They were quietly avoiding looking at me. They knew. I felt branded.

The 6th floor exits into a wide lobby with an expansive view of the ocean. It's rather breath taking. How considerate to give us something so beautiful to look at. I walked slowly down the hall and checked in with the receptionist. She has thick curls cascading down around her shoulders, and a wide smile. We chat casually as she cinches the blue hospital tag around my wrist.

I already know the news will not be a clean bill of health. I am two years out from the original cancer, and I am still seeing the doctor every month and running multiple tests. This test was scheduled so quickly that I suspect they have finally figured out what it is that puzzles them. I am right. They say that there is a growth in my ovary area that shows up on the test - I hear words like surgery, specialist, chemotherapy.

We joke a bit, I go for the requisite lab tests. They will have the specialist call me. I am free to go - for now. I walk slowly slowly down the long hall and look longingly at the ocean. There is a freighter in the bay. It seems reasonable to take a closer look. Who knows how long I may have to see such things. I could use a quiet peaceful moment soaking in the gentleness of nature, and what better place than an out of the way beach?

I drive across the highway and park. There are a number of other cars parked there including 2 chuck wagons offering Mexican food and hot dogs. Yuck. I saunter across the grass and down by the skinny strip of sand, inhaling the salty smell and straining to hear the gulls calling. The wind ruffles my pant legs and tosses bits of paper about. There is no place to sit, so I walk down the beach a piece and watch a tugboat push the freighter out into the deep ocean, relentlessly forcing it out of sight.

A young father steers his kid's wobbly bike on a blacktop sidewalk. An older couple leans against the fence, holding hands. A jogger bounds past. I close my eyes and try to relax and print a memory to hold on to when the nights get long.

But the noise of the traffic keeps interfering. Tires sing against the pavement, horns punctuate the air, sirens wail. Quiet! I scream inside. I want to unwind. You are keeping me from being able to drink in any peace. But they do not hear me. They will not be quiet.

I give up. I get back in the car and join the rush hour traffic, jostling for lanes and cussing stupidity. I don't get five miles before I feel the tears starting. "This is ridiculous," I think. I have no reason to be crying. So what if the cancer is back. Its not a big deal - you got through a much more serious bout before by God's grace. God will see you through this. It's just an operation, just a little chemo. You - you are lucky. You have insurance. You have a job. You have friends and family. You have a good medical facility taking care of you. So quit already.

But I don't quit. I cry quietly. I cry loudly. I cry all the way to Hartford. I wipe the tears and listen to music and cry. And then, the storm is over. I sigh, and think of what to do next. And I know. I will enlist the aid of my community. It takes a village to combat cancer, and I have an excellent one. The details will come later. Right now, I will just reach out. And I know they will reach back.

I may be like a freighter heading out into deep waters, but I will be surrounded by tugboats keeping me afloat, heading me in the right directions, steering me from danger. Let the waves roll. I will not capsize. God is on my side. He holds me firmly in the hollow of His hand and He will not let me go no matter how big the waves get. I smile and make a list of warriors to help me in my fight.