Crying at Weddings

I was honored to be invited to the wedding of the daughter of a co-worker in the library. It was a last minute invitation. Some guests from out of town and rsvp'd their acceptance only to discover that they could not attend. So food had been had ordered for them that the mother of the bride did not wish to waste, and I got the invite. I didn't know the bride or groom, but I was happy to attend and participate in their joy. Besides, others from the library were going, so I would know people there.

The couple had already married a few years ago, the groom being a marine and his being stationed where ever it was had hastened their marriage. But this was the big celebration, the official marking of the event. The ceremony was at 2:00pm, and began with a video of the two separate lives juxtaposed in age-appropriate photos of cuteness straight through until they were together. The music behind the pictures underscored their feelings for each other. It was right out of a Disney movie.

I watched the beautiful young woman adorned in a gorgeous full flowing white lace dress come down the aisle, preceded by the bridesmaids in muted green gowns, the maid of honor, and the two flower girls. It was picture book. Everyone was coiffed and bedecked beautifully. They lighted the symbolic candle, hugged the Moms, gave them roses, said their own vows, and then so quickly and glibly said "I do."

"Wait!" I wanted to yell. "Not so fast. Do you know - do you really understand what you are saying?" Its so easy to vow commitment without knowing the terms under which you will be asked to honor them. I looked around. Everyone was crying.

The Moms and Grandmoms were bawling, the aunts, the bridesmaids - in fact, it seemed like ALL the women in the room were dabbing at their eyes. "Why is that?" I wondered. "Why do we cry at weddings?"

I know why the woman next to me was crying. She is wrestling with a dysfunctional marriage due to previously undiagnosed mental problems of her husband. I know how painful that can be. I know why the bride's aunt was doing more bawling than usual. The bride's father had passed away several years ago unexpectedly at a rather young age. His presence was acknowledged by the photo on the platform, and the fact that the bride's two brothers gave her away (and they were both crying).

But in general, why do women cry at weddings? Is it because we know what is coming, know that this moment of bliss should be cherished because it will soon be obliterated by piles of dishes and dirty laundry? Is it because we remember what it is to be young and in love and on top of a world we no longer find so bright and shiny? Or is it because we envy her the attention and thoughtful gestures her companion is showering her with, gestures that soon fade and fall by the wayside.

Or is it really because we are all hoping for her, for this newcomer to marriage, hoping that somehow she will be one of the lucky ones who will, despite all the hazards of life, get to live the happily-ever-after fable we all believe in. I have seen one or two couples who got that dream. At ninety, they were still remarkably in love, still regarded each other with respect and esteem, still treated each other as equals, were still deeply in love, still looked forward to waking in the morning and facing each day together on whatever great adventure the day would bring forth.

They had their storms and difficulties, but they helped each other through it, worked to minimize the scars, salved each other's wounds, made sure the other was alright. Survived matrimony and ended up as friends. I rarely see that. Still, it is what marriage was meant to be. Companionship. Caring. Helping each other out. And not losing the passion. Not hot physical passion. Deep abiding oneness.

Its out there. Its not common. I don't know about others, but I think perhaps that is why I cry at weddings where I don't even know the bride. I think it is an admission that I failed to achieve that dream. I recognize that after the death of a son, the severity of poverty, the hurt of betrayal, the pain of cancer, I have too many life wounds that left deep scars, scars healed only by the hand of God. That dream of growing old with my true love will never be for me.

But this one, she might get there. I hope she does.

Convocations

Today Roberts Wesleyan College and Charles Finney High School both had a Convocation. A calling together of all those involved to begin the new school year with focus, purpose, unity. All faculty at RWC were robed and hooded and marched to trumpets and organs with flags flying and mortarboard tassels swinging. We processed from the back of Hale Auditorium in the Cultural Life Center to the platform where we were seated during President Martin's and Provost Zwier's addresses, and watched in admiration as faculty were recognized for their years of service - from 5 years all the way to 35 years!

It was inspiring to hear the expectations of the administration as they outlined our progress, laid out a high standard of expectation, recognized jobs well done, and encouraged the students to embrace their time here, wringing out as much meat and juice as they can rather than sleeping and sliding through, just to get to the other side.

I don't often march in convocations. We were invited to participate in such events at Illinois, appropriately garbed, but it was such a large institution, and no one else from the libraries participated or asked me to join in, so I never did. At Eastman, Convocation was much simpler. Faculty attended as they were able, but didn't robe. Speakers were the main part of the ceremony, and I usually attended because the speakers were notable and interesting, or their topics provocative.

I have to say I felt proud to wear the Illinois colors on my hood, and represent the library discipline. These time honored traditions aren't well understood by students, and most of them don't attend - they find it boring and a waste of their time. They will, I suspect, come to appreciate it as I have. You need to mark beginnings with some pomp and tradition. You need to set aside time to look at what you are doing and why. And you need to make it memorable.

Who can forget all those robed professors proudly upholding the institution, showing what it took for them to get there, their efforts, studies, qualifications. What other part of society does this? Certainly not retail, not manufacturing, not health care, not self employed business, nor law nor tech stuff.

I'm glad to know the school where Drew is going also takes time to say what they are about, to recognize their teachers, to reinforce the positives, to dedicate their time, energy, effort to the development of young men and women who will lead our society. I for one want to know that the upcoming generations have some sort of grounding, at least some foundation for societal impact for the better if not spiritual growth.

At the other end of the school year, we will robe again, and recognize the students who have accomplished their goal of completing an RWC education. It will be interesting to see how that relates to today.

First Rehearsal

Tonight I had my first rehearsal with the United Methodist Church of North Chili's adult choir. They have a community dinner at 6, and I popped in to make sure things were set up. I am most blessed to have - for the first time in my experience - a choir librarian who is amazing! She had all the chairs in place, all the folders populated with the appropriate music, my letter of welcome printed and placed in the folder with a nicely sharpened pencil, a list of Sunday's music, the proper stuff in the bulletin, and the room prepared complete with a sign telling them what hymnals they would need! Wow! She took half my workload - all those non-musical aspects of conducting that are so time consuming - and what a difference that makes! I think all church music directors would like to be able to concentrate on the music and not get caught up in so much paperwork and clerical details.

The rehearsal went well. I only introduced 4 pieces (I like to work 5 Sundays ahead) but since it was our first time together, and since we are singing on Sunday, and since the piece I chose wasn't simple, I spent more time reworking Sunday's selection than I normally would. Energy was good, response from the singers good, and our oboe soloist added just the right interest to tweak curious minds.

I usually like to set a theme for the fall, to encourage us to contemplate some particular aspect of God, some grace that seems needed for whatever the congregation may be facing. But I don't know anything about this congregation as yet, though I have met with the pastor twice and heard from her heart. So I am reading the Sunday scriptures to them during our devotional. That will help us think ahead to what Sunday will bring, help us lead others in worship.

And as I get to know the people and the place they are in, I will hopefully have a better sense of how to encourage, what Scriptures to offer, what prayers to raise to the throne of God. Meanwhile, I am focusing on having them listen - really listen - to the music not just of their parts but of the other parts, of the piano, of the text, of the intent of the composer. I want them to sing not just with their voices, but with their understanding, and even more than that, from their hearts. To make the music their own, to offer it as their own prayer, their own words to God, to find their way into the presence of the King. And once they have experienced that, they will want to help others get there too.

For once you have experienced that intimate loving presence of the Most Holy God, you will not forget. You will want everyone to find their way there, to experience His love and care. So that's the journey I am on. I hope and pray the year will be good.