Bored

Ah, this is the chemo tired I have been expecting. After church, my whole intent is to take a nap. I lie down, but cannot rest. My body doesn't know what to do with itself. I watch the movie Ghandi, feel the appropriate shame about my wasted life, and try to sleep again. I cannot. I would like to read, but the idea does not appeal. I have Ted Dekker's latest book Heaven Triology and it is typical Dekker interesting. But the thought of making my eyes move across the page is more than I can handle.

I click on the fireplace app on my iPad. Instantly a cheery fire burns and crackles, flames dancing about all yellow, red and blue. I take a deep breath, remembering the wood stove at the house that used to be Mom and Dad's, the A-frame in Lake George that is now owned by young school teachers. I didn't do much feeding or cleaning of that stove. Mom could tell you the agony of tending fires. My fire app is merely a memory aid with no work involved other than plugging the iPad in.

I switch to the coral reef app and stare at the beautifully colored fish and the waving anemones, the sound of gentle rolling surf soothing my tiredness. Perhaps if I switch to the calming sounds app and click on rainstorm I can fall asleep. I try that for awhile. It is soothing, but no sleep comes. I try the koi pond app. Gold and white fish swim peacefully in a lily pad bedecked sand bottomed pond complete with frog. Water swishes as the fish flip their tails. Neat, but no sleep. I am as tranquil as it gets, but my body is doing its own thing and I do not sleep.

There is nothing I want to do. Nothing I have any energy or inclination for. I am bored. Imagine that. Someone who loves to do stuff - play piano, knit, read, watch silly movies, make stuff for my grand babies, organize the living quarters, do research, take long walks, tackle fascinating projects, help people with whatever they are doing, listen to music, learn new scores, work on my compositions, write my blog, invent stories in my head that I hope to capture on paper someday, talk with friends - with all that at my disposal I am bored. I can't imagine how I got here. What to do?

Well, I can call my kids and chat on the phone while still lying down resting. Yes, I will do that. But no one is home. I know, I will text kids. Yes, that brings not only replies, but son #4 actually comes to visit. We chat while I rest. We catch up on stuff and nothing. We are just hanging out. I find it helpful while my body is finishing whatever it is doing to deal with the tiredness. Thanks, son.

After he leaves, I have the energy to watch an old movie - Just Call Me Madam - starring Ethel Merman. It is silly and musical and distracting and exactly right. Finally, I am ready to rest. It took me all day to settle down to the real work of recovery. I will take full advantage. Good night and Do Not Disturb.