Collage

Bethany House is an older building with large rooms and tall windows gazing out on a serene landscape. The carpeted staircase leads to five suites on the second floor that have multiple beds in them. I selected a suite of four beds with one bathroom and plopped my suitcase down on the stand by the bed nearest the bathroom. The mattress was hard as a rock, barely balancing on the simple wooden frame.

The monks had thoughtfully arranged for our needs, providing night lights, lamps, mirrors - the basics without disturbing the simplicity of the room. I unpacked the few things I would need and headed downstairs to curl up on the comfy couch. Dinner was a simple fare of home made soups (thankfully one that I could eat) and the delicious monk bread the abbey is known for.

I thought we were going to talk about bringing the light of Christ to a needy and hurting world. But we started with identifying the dark places in our own hearts. Just identifying, mind you. Our speaker, a wonderfully astute woman from Chicago, a trained psychiatrist, sister of one of the seminary professors, reminded us that these spaces are part of who we are whether we acknowledge them or not. And until we claim the dark places as our own, the light of Christ cannot shine on them and bring us healing.

Hum. I have no dark places that are unaddressed. I am fine. (Famous last words). I knew many of the women attending the retreat, and we stayed up later than I am usually able to, chatting. While we caught up we learned to make rag dolls out of yarn and scraps of cloth, then we dressed them. It was loads of fun and the dolls will be taken to China and given to orphans there - one of the seminary professors is leaving in a few weeks for the China trip. I finally hit the hay about midnight, but it took awhile to drift off to sleep since I am not used to such a hard mattress.

As the next day unfolded and we were given time to reflect and be touched by the beauty and peace of Christ that surrounded us on the grounds of this prayer filled place, I began to realize that my experiences with cancer and divorce and broken relationships had indeed left me with some shadows. They were blocking me from enjoying life fully.

In the afternoon, our speaker suggested an activity of making a collage. We were instructed to flip through the magazines she had brought, tear out pictures that appealed to us, then arrange them on a poster. She told us how she stumbled across this idea, did it herself, and found out some interesting things about the deep desires of her heart.

Right. Silly stuff, I thought. I prefer to just enjoy walking outdoors in the great sun and blue skies, a wonderful reprieve from the rain we have been having. I headed towards the door, but a magazine caught my eye. What could it hurt just to look through it? The activity sucked me in. I found certain pictures really attracted me, and though I couldn't bear to tear out the pages (my life has been torn enough), I did start cutting them out.

I was so surprised at what emerged. And as soon as I had assembled my selections, the Holy Spirit began speaking to me about Jairus House and what I need to do to be ready for this work, about where I am in the process and why I haven't moved forward with it. I was moved in the very core of my being by the outpouring of love and healing that happened in the silence of many women all open to hear from God with hardly a word spoken. Wow. And to think I almost didn't do it!

Life is a collage. It is not easy to see where all the pieces fit. Sometimes we are just confused by all the jagged parts that seem to have no relationship. But there is a pattern. Once in awhile, it even comes into focus. Like today with this picture. I plan to hang it in my bedroom for a bit to contemplate more what all is there.

Then, as suddenly as it began, the retreat was over and I found myself driving home, still in the wonderful silence of uplifting scenery. I can't wait to see the boys and break bread with them. Nice. Very nice.