Though the sky is blue and sunny, I am surrounded by the gray sorrow of having had to cancel the singing engagements at the cancer clinics here. I wrestled with it for as long as I could, but the decision was inevitable. I just couldn't get enough people together at the same time to make it work. Nor could I work out the transportation issues.
Its not that I don't understand. The program here is intense, yes. Others do not see the need that I see, are not affected by cancer they way that I am. I did not plan well, start soon enough, anticipate more. In the general wash of things, no one will even notice or care. It's no big deal.
To anyone else. For me, I lay half the night my heart broken, my soul heavy. I know what it is to be in that long dark tunnel with no light, and suddenly catch a glimpse of relief. To touch a life so with God's gift of music - that is my calling. I wept at the failure.
One thing spurs me on. It is the failures that inform our actions to improve. It is from this that I may learn some way to move forward, some better process to work this out. When things don't work, there are reasons. That is what I will be thinking about.
When the head of the volunteers responded to my email, he was most gracious. And he did not give up. He very kindly left the door open. When I am able to swing it, please come. The people here need what you are offering so desperately. Please find a way to come even if it is informal. Please come. If not this year, then next. Don't give up.
I won't. I shall find a way. I am glad someone else gets it. The sadness is lifting a bit. Tomorrow perhaps I shall have a better perspective.
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