No Fair

One of the things I am working on is compiling a bibliography of spiritually encouraging books for cancer patients to read. I am planning to link information about them to the Jairus House website with a little bit of information beneath a picture of the cover of the book. After all, when you are facing cancer, you don't always feel like searching through millions of records to find a few books that will help you.

Anyway, one of the books I am currently reading is titled "Praying Through Cancer: set your heart free from fear" (a 90 day devotional for women) edited by Susan Sorensen and Laura Geist. They set it up to be testimonials from women who have battled cancer, each day's entry with a Bible verse, a story, and a prayer plus activity. It has been a difficult read.

For one thing, most of the stories address the big picture. The "after it was all said and done, I could see God's hand at work on my behalf. Don't worry - God is in control." Nothing wrong with that, but I guess I was expecting more day to day "how God took care of me, supplied my needs, was present - verses that you can hang onto before surgery, Scriptural music that will help you through a chemo treatment, prayer to lift your heart to God when you can't think" kind of encouragement.

It began to sound like these women were saying that God chose for them to have cancer and it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Of course, I know that is not true, and I don't believe for a minute that's what these writers were intending to portray. And I myself have willingly pointed to the good things that God has brought out of my cancer experience.

Still, I kept reading. All along, it was my assumption that these testimonies were written by women who had triumphed over cancer. And then the bombshell. I read a testimony - and was actually thinking that here was one that rang a bit more true, something that spoke of dealing with anger, with fear, with normal human feelings.

I glanced ahead to see the name. My heart fell. It was Kayleen Merry, my friend who had died from cancer just a short time ago. My friend who had encouraged me to put together the first cancer concert so I could share the music with women from other countries who were attending the Mayo clinic where she was getting treatment. My friend with whom I had emailed a number of times and who's progress I had followed all during my own cancer. My friend, for whom I had prayed and over whom I had cried.

I hadn't know she was a contributor. I felt betrayed. Here was at least one example of a woman who had lost her battle with cancer, and who had died in an agonizing and prolonged state of misery. A woman who had been prayed for and who had believed for healing. A woman who had young children who needed her. A good woman, a Christian woman who didn't deserve to die from cancer.

I flipped through the book to see if there was any information about where these women might be now, how many had survived and moved on, free and clear. But there wasn't any information. I put the book down. I didn't see how I could take any encouragement from someone who hadn't made it.

But I was curious. Did the entire book continue like this? Did other women write anything that would be helpful? I skimmed through a few more. Then I found another one that talked about feeling helpless, about the huge impact that the chemo treatments took on her strength and energy. Again, it was written by Kayleen. Her words were significant. She said that even when she was "useless", when she could do nothing on her own, when she needed help with everything, she could still praise God.

Wow.

She could still praise God in the midst of her terrible health issues. In the midst of cancer. In the midst of dying. In the midst of lying there helplessly in pain and weakness. I began to see that she did not let cancer define who she was. She was still the daughter of God. She could see that even if she died, she would be fine because God is who He is. Because she would be with Him. Because in the long run, she wins.

I will read more before I return the book to the library. These are difficult issues and not to be taken lightly. The Bible devotes much space to this issue - an entire book and then some. Its not fair that Kayleen died (as my father says, "Who told you life is supposed to be fair?"). Its not fair that I didn't realize that some of the women who wrote encouraging words might have won a battle but lost their war. No, life is not fair. But God is still God. I need His perspective. Any maybe, just maybe, I can catch a glimpse from Kayleen's last words as she was looking over Jordan.