Uh-Oh

Sometimes you don't realize what a precarious line you are walking. For both weeks in Wisconsin, I felt pretty good. But Sunday night, after returning from NY, I ended up in pain and feeling sick. I warned Kiel that I might have to go to the ER, took some pain meds, and curled up with a hot water bottle, hoping I didn't throw up.

My mind wanted to go down the "what if" paths - what if you need surgery? This pain is on the right side exactly where the tests showed a problem. What if you are too sick to finish working at UConn? What if you can't start at Roberts in July? What if you end up with no income, no insurance, no place to live?

Time to put an end to that! So I began quoting Bible verses. Focus on how great God is. Remember the anointing service. God is in control, He will not leave you abandoned, nor without resources. When you are afraid, trust God. I have a friend who told me "Jesus said, 'Don't be afraid.'" He was right. Whatever comes, God will get me through it well.

So I tossed and turned half the night, running to the bathroom when necessary, and took each minute as it came. Monday was my first day back at UConn after being in Wisconsin, and I was afraid I would be too weak and feeling too yucky to pick up the reins and give my all, not to mention realizing that it's a lot further to drive to the ER from Storrs than from Manchester in case things got ugly. I suspect most people would have taken a sick day. But I figure if I can stand up, I can manage by the grace of God. Beleive me, I know about days when you can't get up.

Turned out to be an easy day from a demanding schedule point of view. I was able to mostly sit and weed through piled up emails (all 687 of them) and adjust my calendar to reflect meetings and exit interviews and the like. I still felt yucky heading home to my other job, but managed to just do the basics and left the extras for another day when I am feeling better.

And the pain was beginning to subside. I figured after a good night's rest I would be feeling better. How like the Lord to send me some encouragement! A CD arrived from my friend Chris. He had taken the time to put together a recording of Comfort Songs that were especially significant to him. As I listened, it touched my heart over and over, reminding me that God is good, that He is in charge, that He will not leave me, that when life is out of *my* control, it is still under God's control.

The words were exactly what I needed. Two of the songs he performed himself, one of which he wrote. His artistry is gentle and relaxed, yet poignant. That's why I have asked Chris to be on the Board for Jairus House - he understands and has a heart of service which he honors with solid and dependable actions.

Well, I have ten days before I leave here, and if some unavoidable health issue crops up, it will be dealt with. I will do my part in eating the best I can and being careful not to overextend. The rest I will leave in God's capable hands. Just as with getting on those flights under adverse conditions, I will be where God intends for me to be when I need to be there, not point getting twisted in a knot about it.

Meanwhile, Chris' CD adds another piece about how to help cancer survivors. Maybe it's not just about giving them music generally defined as being comforting, encouraging, healing. Maybe it's also about people sharing what is meaningful to them and letting it speak to others. Interesting.