Collage

Bethany House is an older building with large rooms and tall windows gazing out on a serene landscape. The carpeted staircase leads to five suites on the second floor that have multiple beds in them. I selected a suite of four beds with one bathroom and plopped my suitcase down on the stand by the bed nearest the bathroom. The mattress was hard as a rock, barely balancing on the simple wooden frame.

The monks had thoughtfully arranged for our needs, providing night lights, lamps, mirrors - the basics without disturbing the simplicity of the room. I unpacked the few things I would need and headed downstairs to curl up on the comfy couch. Dinner was a simple fare of home made soups (thankfully one that I could eat) and the delicious monk bread the abbey is known for.

I thought we were going to talk about bringing the light of Christ to a needy and hurting world. But we started with identifying the dark places in our own hearts. Just identifying, mind you. Our speaker, a wonderfully astute woman from Chicago, a trained psychiatrist, sister of one of the seminary professors, reminded us that these spaces are part of who we are whether we acknowledge them or not. And until we claim the dark places as our own, the light of Christ cannot shine on them and bring us healing.

Hum. I have no dark places that are unaddressed. I am fine. (Famous last words). I knew many of the women attending the retreat, and we stayed up later than I am usually able to, chatting. While we caught up we learned to make rag dolls out of yarn and scraps of cloth, then we dressed them. It was loads of fun and the dolls will be taken to China and given to orphans there - one of the seminary professors is leaving in a few weeks for the China trip. I finally hit the hay about midnight, but it took awhile to drift off to sleep since I am not used to such a hard mattress.

As the next day unfolded and we were given time to reflect and be touched by the beauty and peace of Christ that surrounded us on the grounds of this prayer filled place, I began to realize that my experiences with cancer and divorce and broken relationships had indeed left me with some shadows. They were blocking me from enjoying life fully.

In the afternoon, our speaker suggested an activity of making a collage. We were instructed to flip through the magazines she had brought, tear out pictures that appealed to us, then arrange them on a poster. She told us how she stumbled across this idea, did it herself, and found out some interesting things about the deep desires of her heart.

Right. Silly stuff, I thought. I prefer to just enjoy walking outdoors in the great sun and blue skies, a wonderful reprieve from the rain we have been having. I headed towards the door, but a magazine caught my eye. What could it hurt just to look through it? The activity sucked me in. I found certain pictures really attracted me, and though I couldn't bear to tear out the pages (my life has been torn enough), I did start cutting them out.

I was so surprised at what emerged. And as soon as I had assembled my selections, the Holy Spirit began speaking to me about Jairus House and what I need to do to be ready for this work, about where I am in the process and why I haven't moved forward with it. I was moved in the very core of my being by the outpouring of love and healing that happened in the silence of many women all open to hear from God with hardly a word spoken. Wow. And to think I almost didn't do it!

Life is a collage. It is not easy to see where all the pieces fit. Sometimes we are just confused by all the jagged parts that seem to have no relationship. But there is a pattern. Once in awhile, it even comes into focus. Like today with this picture. I plan to hang it in my bedroom for a bit to contemplate more what all is there.

Then, as suddenly as it began, the retreat was over and I found myself driving home, still in the wonderful silence of uplifting scenery. I can't wait to see the boys and break bread with them. Nice. Very nice.

NES Women's Retreat

I thought about going, but with so much going on and so little money to take care of all the needs, I put off deciding until the last minute, just to make sure I would have enough energy and resources to do it. After all, it is not a necessity. Something nice if you can swing it, but not required, going on a retreat. Or is it?

When my seminary professor called me to ask if I were planning on going, I kibitzed. I was loathe to commit either strength or money. But she felt that I should be there. She asked for me to make a decision. I heard myself say yes, then hung up the phone and wondered why on earth I had done that. Perhaps it was not too late to back out.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if I could see no real driving need to come away from my normal routine for some time dedicated to being quiet and hearing God, perhaps God was needing to get my attention. So with great procrastination, I arranged for someone to cover my afternoon reference shift, took care to see that the boys had what they needed food wise to get through a day or so without me, made sure they would see to Sugar's need, and packed an overnight bag.

Still I lingered at home, puddling around with nothing, reticent to begin my drive an hour south to the Abbey of the Genesee. Its not like I haven't been there before. I did a retreat during the Core classes and enjoyed the peace of their monastery. I experienced a meaningful Good Friday there. And I love spending time in God's presence. What is keeping me from joyfully bounding out the door?

Perhaps I am afraid God will require something of me that I am not prepared to do. Perhaps I am always such an independent person that the thought of sharing time with a group of other women is a stretch for me. Perhaps things are going so well that I don't believe I need a time of seeking the face of God. Perhaps I just have other fish to fry. Whatever the reason, I realize that this is likely JUST the thing I need right now to keep me from getting off track. And so I tear myself away, fill the gas tank (gulp) and plug in my Tom Tom.

The drive down is pleasant and refreshing in itself. One forgets that outside the city limits lies a vast countryside filled with the goodness of God. I thought to listen to some CDs of good choral music, but preferred to be absorbed with the mountains, fields, and flowers passing my window. And in the quiet of the drive, already the Lord began whispering things to my heart. Ideas that had not had a chance to surface in the noise of everyday life. Encouragements about what I am doing. Prayers of deep desire for my children and grandchildren that had found no release. A sense of presence and love, peace and deep connection.

Ah, this is going to be a wonderful excursion after all. I ought to know how precious such times can be. I navigate into the driveway of Bethany House where we are lodging and park just in time for the Vespers service at the main abbey. OK. I am on board. I recall Isaiah 2:5:

"Come, O house of Jacob, let us walk in the light of the LORD."

This retreat is titled "Bringing Light into the Darkness." I am ready to listen.

Wall to Wall Meetings

I look at my calendar. Every hour there is a meeting of some sort. Goodness! First a meeting with the BOCES job coach to meet a potential new volunteer. Then meet with a committee to look at designing a salary benchmarking study. Then with the Library Director to chat about initiatives in Public Services. Then with the members of the nontraditional education committee. Then with other Library Faculty to discuss the candidates for our open position, then . . .

I am always amazed when I get one of these days when every responsibility seems to collide. I am surprised there isn't more from on beyond the library world (other than choir practice in the evening and a brief visit to the dentist).

It is a day requiring copious amounts of grace and God given strength and clarity of thought. If I am to be a contributing and productive member of these groups, I will need far more than my own simple abilities in play. Thank goodness for the morning verse - Psalm 28:7

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

It is true that I do not dread such days because I know God will show me what I need to understand and keep me from putting my foot in my mouth. Nice to know I have help with my public interface. Now I just need to keep that last part in mind and make sure to allow my joy proper expression of thanksgiving.