Lenten Gleanings 2011: Vespers (EvenSong) or the Twilight Hours

Day's Passing

You invite me to come

As the rays of the setting sun

Slide like waves back into the ocean's depths.

Come, dine with me in celestial places.

Let us sup together in this twilight hour.

And I come.

I ward off the hounds of things undone and dangling,

Ignore their lusty howls and close the door of my closet

To gratefully relax in the warm spa of your companionship.

Together we watch the blazing glory of sunset,

The veil between our worlds so thin

Heaven and earth kiss.

You light the lamps of eternal shining stars,

Your hand brushing my face.

The intimacy of your caress

Fills my deepest longing.

I receive day's end, content.

Lenten Gleanings 2011: Wisdom Hour being Midafternoon

Teach Me to Die Before I Die

All day I learn to die little deaths

Killing sinful thoughts and deeds.

In that dying,

Life is released.

I raise the candle of waning light

Pasuing in my work to illumine Truth

To see what was before,

What must now come.

Resolute in the knowledge

I turn my face toward the darkness

To move forward in wisdom

While the last rays of light

Slant towards evening.

With slow purposeful steps

My soul embraces God's sacred trust.

I lay aside my labors,

Willing, by God's grace,

To end this day well

And at peace.

Lenten Gleanings 2011: The Hour of Illumination being Midday

Noon

How the brilliant clarity of noon,

Sans shadow, reveals my broken places.

Truth's glare ferrets out all petty sins.

Here at the cusp of waxing and waning,

At the apex of light where all can be seen,

You have spread a table before me.

Come, forgiven daughter.

Be nourished with peace, with grace.

I linger at table,

Warmed by your joyous laughter,

Bathed in the company of your love.

Your light pours through my being

Until I am glowing

And I wonder -

Will the filament of my commitment

Bear the light beyond the tablecloth?

Lenten Gleanings 2011: Terce or the Blessing Hour of Midmorning

Recess

Stop.

Breathe eternity.

Remember.

Early, before you waste the day,

Know why you are here.

Allow Spirit infusion.

Sync with the Holy Kingdom.

Tune to play in God's symphony.

Be one simple note in His perfect score.

Do not settle for virtuosic rhapsody blaring painfully in the gutter.

Become the love of God

Poured out for the hurting world.

Lenten Gleanings 2011: Lauds or the Awakening Hour

New Every Morning

Out of the dark, grayness creeps

subtle and quiet like a lion on its prey.

What once was nothing takes formless shape, looming unclear.

I do not wish to see.

My eyes close,

Returning to sleep's black oblivion.

But resurrection light must come,

A rising tide of brightness suddenly flooding the world,

Sweeping away fear and pain and sorrow.

Eager as a bride for her wedding,

As a Lover for the Tryst,

Light pours forth unthwarted, unstoppable, untamed.

Go with the inevitable current.

Break from the starting blocks pumped and eager.

Wring every drop of juice from the succulent day.

Embrace a world renewed.

Greet dawn with exhuberance.

Take the offered hand of God

And rejoice into day.

For Shiloh

Dear child,

I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it right now. I am praying for you every day. I hope the doctors can fix whatever is causing you these irritating seizures. Meanwhile, I wish I could be with you in person. I can't be there every day for you, but if I had ever had a daughter, I would hope to have enjoyed every ounce of time with her, just as with my own sons.

No Regrets

I flit. I fly. I run

'till setting of sun.

Ever busy, never shy

To do what must be done.

Working, slaving, sleeves rolled up

Earning bread, washing cup,

Focused on the tasks at hand.

I do not hear my child's demand.

I barely feel her tiny tug

Asking for a little hug.

In a minute, so I think.

I'll get to you in just a wink.

Hours pass while I am busy,

Move so fast I'm nearly dizzy

Till I pause to catch my breath.

Again she asks her small request.

I sigh. I turn. I see her face.

Suddenly I feel disgrace.

I bend and wrap my arms around her. "

I'm sorry," I whisper through teary blur.

She taps my shoulder. "Mom, don't cry.

I just came in to tell you 'hi.'

And now I'm going out! Goodbye."

My heart is tugging as I smile.

She will be around awhile.

Pay attention. Don't ignore her.

Kiss her every day. Adore her.

Soon enough she'll go away.

Then you'll wish that she could stay.

Set aside your work, your checklist

So you won't regret what you miss.

Lenten Gleanings 2011: Night Watch or Midnight

One resource I am perusing this year during Lent is a book titled Seven Sacred Pauses: living mindfully through the hours of the day by Macrina Wiederkehr. She encourages people to find ways to observe the Divine Hours in the midst of the daily work day, in the middle of our life's demanding activities.

It is a thought provoking book. I recommend it if you are ready for such a thing. Her meditations and collections of sayings have stirred something inside, and I write for the next few days a short poem of reflection for each hour of the Divine Hours. [caveat: I am told my poetry tends to be somewhat blah, so don't feel as if you need to read these. It is just my contemplation of this particular season].

Sacred Vigil
I awake in the deep silence of night and lean into the darkness
Yearning for a touch from the One Who does not sleep.
Are you there?

Straining to see, hoping to hear some small sign,
I keep watch with the angels, seeking eternity.
Mystery washes over me, shivering my very being.

I cry, my heart moaning the unspeakable.
I feel agony - mine, His, ours, all the suffering of the world.

I drown gagging and spewing, frantic, into the depths of His heart,
Dreaming His thoughts, far beyond human reason,
On beyond the wildest of imaginations.

I wait, floating there.
Joy will come.

Humongous Moon

2%. It doesn't sound like much, to be sure. But step out of doors at night this March and the fullness and brightness of the moon will overpower you! We haven't seen the moon this close to the earth in over 2 decades. Best to recognize and take full advantage of the opportunity to enjoy its beauty.

Hanging low, hovering just over the edge of the road, is an orange orb the size of some massive UFO, drawing you into its mysterious scenario, a twisted dream, a wonderful adventure.

Surely on a night like this the fairies fly, the demons dance and the reindeer skim the horizon looking for good children to reward. Or at very least the magic lifts the heavy spell of weary hearts and smooths the worn out ruts of life's paths. This feeling, this sensation, this is what the Spirit of God can do for real in our lives. A moon is a mere shadow of potential without actual powers. But love and hope work the wonders we crave.

And once in awhile, we are reminded that there is so much more possible than we dare dream. Even if the moon is only a scant 2% closer to the earth than normal. Just imagine how magnificent the moon would be if it perchance stepped 7% closer! The sky could not contain the majesty.

Drew's Birthday

This year I am getting Drew driver's education classes at the local high school for his birthday present. When I went to high school, driver's education didn't cost you anything. Nowadays, it costs up the wazoo! But the high school price is better than AAA, so I signed him up. More than I usually spend for a birthday, but a better option than trying to teach him myself using my car.



Since the present was already decided upon, I guess Drew felt there was no reason to have a celebration. I kept asking him what he wanted for his birthday dinner, and he never gave me a straight answer. Nor could he tell me what kind of cake he wanted. He has been away with friends and at activities so much that I wanted to keep this celebration in the family, not have a big party.



Finally, last night before I drifted off to sleep, he allowed how he might be happy with a shepherd's pie and a bit of cheesecake. Great. By the time I get home from work and cook something that time consuming, it will be midnight! We reached a compromise. He made a list of needed ingredients, and while I went from work to Wegman's to get the supplies, he cooked the potatoes and carrots. That's half the time needed.



I hurried home so we could cook the hamburg, shred the cheese and flavor the casserole with parsley and basil. Then we threw it altogether and tossed it in the oven (imagine your mother making you cook your own birthday dinner!), and watched an episode of Psyche while munching the fresh strawberries I tucked in the cart as a treat. They were delicious and just the thing to hold us over until the cheese melted and we could partake.



It was nice to share an evening with Drew. We are seldom home together in the early evening. I did pull a fast one though. In his birthday card attached to the spiderman happy birthday balloon, I wrote that I had purchased him a car for his birthday, and hoped he was OK with the color. His eyes widened and he gulped "really?"



"Yes," I said, handing him the little yellow hot wheels sports car. He laughed and I touched his shoulder and said "yellow car" in sync with their silly game. Happy birthday, tall man. And many many more.

Sleeping Hard

Last night I must have really fallen into a deep and rejuvenating sleep. When I woke for my usual bathroom breaks, I felt logy and my muscles were sore as if I had been working out. Waking and dreaming were hard to separate, and I admit that it took some doing to remember why I was awake and that I needed to crawl out of bed and into the bathroom.


I know that one reason we need sleep is so that our bodies can repair, upgrade, renew our cells. My body must be in massive need of such activity. According to a famous Harvard study, during sleep, your body creates protein necessary to help strengthen your immune system, provides much needed relief of stress on the heart, lowers your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, reduces stress, improves your memory, regulates your hormones, including appetite, improves your mood, and lessens the chance that you will develop diabetes.

Why do some nights affect you like you are working hard at fixing physical issues, and other nights just seem to be normal restful nights? I am not at all clear about the difference, but I suspect my body knows just what I need and makes sure that the little cleaning cells and worker cells are out there doing their utmost when necessary. I sure don't mind a night or two as long as it doesn't affect my daytime activities in a negative way.

I continue to marvel at the wonderful way we are created. Who would have dreamed up such a scheme for keeping a machine functioning without having to take it into the shop for extended shut down!

Long Day

Good thing I got some decent rest yesterday because today is a doozie! I open the library at 7:30am, have circulation desk duty in the morning interrupted by teaching a composition class, then midday prayer followed by another composition class, then reference from 2 pm until 9 pm. By the time all is said and done, a 14 hour stint!

My reaction? Thank God I am able to do this! Even a few months ago it would have been impossible. Too tired. Too sick. Too fragile. But now - I can do it and without blowing myself up in the process. Not that I recommend purposely stringing yourself out, mind you. I would rather not. We are still short handed, and when 2 of us are gone, it sometimes means you end up taking less than ideal shifts. And that's OK.

I was pleasantly surprised that when I arrived at home after the very long but not exhausting day, I was not done in. I wasn't prepared to dance the light fantastic mind you, but I wasn't dragging my sorry self up the stairs and collapsing into bed either. What a welcome change! Especially in light of the projects I want to tackle .

I will need some stamina if I am to read to my grandchildren, edit my recital tape for public consideration, finish the dissertation, study for my comps and orals, and begin my D Min program in April. It keeps me off the street and out of depression, that's for sure. Now if I could just manage to end up with enough energy to go to Compline on a regular basis, that would be fantastic.

Chime Excitement

Several of the chimers approached me to ask if they could explore ringing something a little more challenging! I was thrilled to finally be able to suggest using the 5 by 5 books I had purchased earlier. Basically, these arrangements divide 3 octaves of chimes among 5 ringers, and each ringer has certain chimes that they always ring, and other chimes that they share with their neighbor.

They selected Carol of the Bells to ring for Easter or sometime thereafter, even though that song is usually for Christmas. We started out marking the chimes that each person always is responsible for. Then we discussed each measure to see who needed to handle the shared chimes. Sometimes it makes sense for one person to ring a chime, but sometimes that person is already ringing two chimes and can't handle a third.

Sometimes a person needs a hand free to pick up a chime for the next measure, or time to set a chime down. Sometimes a person is executing a complicated over under weave of picking up and setting down chimes in a challenging pattern and can't even think about adding in another chime.

It took quite some time for us to figure out who should shoulder the shared chimes in every single measure. Even after we thought we had it right, we found our idea didn't work and we had to redesign. Changing one measure sometimes affect a number of measures! It was a slow and meticulous process, but we were determined to figure out the entire score before calling it a day.

The next step is to practice what we know we have designed. We rang through the entire song several times, but the smoothness and predictability are not there yet. It will take some time to understand the physical movements well enough to ring the song correctly. We will get there.

I couldn't help but think how like life the whole process is. If we were willing to cooperate with others, we would understand so much better that there are certain things that we are good at and always responsible for. Then there are things that we should be sharing with our neighbors - both admitting that sometimes we are preoccupied and need help, and realizing that sometimes they are overwhelmed and need a hand.

And we would also see that even when we think we have it all worked out, sometimes you have to go back to the drawing board and try a better approach. And any change may have far reaching effects. A tag team approach if you will. I wonder if the boys are up to a discussion about chores? Now there's an area that still isn't working smoothly in our house.

Easter Project

After the recital it occurred to me that I could easily have Kiel video me reading my favorite books for my darling grand children! Why not? My Mother read to me when I was a girl, and I read to my boys when they were little. Just because I don't live near my sweeties doesn't mean I can't be part of their daily routine. And maybe give my daughters-in-law a break - not that I want to deprive them of the pleasure of reading to their children, but maybe hearing Gramma read will keep them quiet when Mom needs to rest.



I am excited to begin this project. I think of all the books my Mom read to me, and start looking for them in our library juvenile literature collection. I don't find many there, a few though. Next I look at the Rochester Public Library collection and find most of what I am looking for either at the Chili branch or downtown. I make targeted trips to collect a few dozen of my favorites. I like to think of these books as classics, but it is obvious that the experts who come up with the Newberry and Caldecott award winners don't necessarily think as I do!



I talk Kiel into helping out, and we decide to record in the library fireside reading room. Now that I am mostly over my cold, I think I can manage reading without losing my voice or having a coughing spell. I can't wait to see how it comes out. Here is the list of books I am working on:

Potter, Beatrix: The Tale of Benjamin Bunny
Potter, Beatrix: The Tale of Peter Rabbit
Guarino, Deborah: Is Your Mama a Llama?
Dewdney, Anna: llama llama misses mamma
Dewdney, Anna: llama llama red pajama
Freeman, Don: Corduroy
Carle, Eric: The Very Quiet Cricket
McClosky, Robert: Make Way for Ducklings
Bemelmans, Ludwig: Madeline
Flack, Marjorie and Wiese, Kurt: The Story About Ping
Berlin, Irving: The Easter Parade (yes, they have made a delightful book out of the lyrics, showing a father rabbit and his young daughter rabbit!)
Tudor, Tasha: A Tale for Easter
Tudor, Tasha: A Is for Annabelle
Garner, Alan and Messenger, Norman: The Little Red Hen
Brown, Margaret Wise: Goodnight Moon
Galdone, Paul: Three Little Kittens
Brown, Margaret Wise: The Runaway Bunny
Martin, Bill and Carle, Eric: Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See
Martin, Bill and Archambault, John: Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
Tudor, Tasha: 1 Is One
Walton, Rick and Miglio, Paige: So Many Bunnies
Auch, Mary Jane: The Easter Egg Farm

As you can see, there is an Easter theme going on. And I include one of my favorite illustrators, Tasha Tudor. Half of the stories are simple for very young children, and half are picture books for those a bit older. I hope they enjoy them as much as I do. If you have suggestions about favorite books, send them on! I plan to do several rounds of these videos, targeting different seasons. Next will be summer and Fourth of July. Thanks.
Wildsmith, Brian The Easter Story

Caught in the Act

I leave a few minutes early for lunch to make sure I will be back in plenty of time for my 1 pm reference desk shift. I am driving along listening to NPR news on the radio and glimpse a scrufty looking character walking along side the road in shorts and no coat. Idiot, I think, then do a double take. Wait a minute. That's Drew! Where on earth is he going? I know he has a day off of school, and that he and his friends are going to see a movie, but is he walking over to the pizza place to get lunch?



I pull into the apartment complex, park and text him. He responds that he is walking to the movies. What??? No way. That theater is a good 10 or 12 miles away. I text him that I will pick him up and we connect. Yes, the silly goose was thinking of walking clear across Rochester for a 4 pm movie. He thought my port flush (a 5 minute process) was a chemo day and he didn't want to bother me. Sweet boy, but nothing doing.



Instead, I take him to lunch, and he calls another friend and they agree to meet a bit earlier than the original plan calls for. I will drop him off. It means I will be late for my shift. Doggone. But there is no way I want my son wandering about even if he is menacingly tall and rugged. He is precious and I will not gamble with his well being.



I think he got the idea. We have texted on and off all afternoon, just to be clear that I am available should he ever need help. We are not islands (look it up). And I do an inventory. I tend to be very self sufficient, to my own detriment. I told him he was as ridiculously stubborn as his mother. He laughed. But we both got the drift. No more lone rangering.

How Many Students Can You Pay?

They begin asking in September. Can I work next summer? Can you offer me a position here? Indeed, this is a great place to work for sure. I collect the names and tell them that we don't make those decisions until spring. But now it is nearly spring and the questions come again, more insistent, more pressing. They need to know, need to make plans, need a commitment.

I meet with the other student supervisors to determine the overall library needs for the upcoming summer projects and library schedule. We go over last year, we review the budget (we will be over this year by a considerable amount, though still within the institutional constraints), look at the summer activities. How many students can you pay? It sounds like an child's game - one potato, two potato, three potato four . . .

No matter how you slice and dice it, we simply cannot offer work to all the students on my list. We end the meeting with some sense, but not a firm decision. We will have to meet again and talk specifics. I let it ride. Then I get the question again. Please, can you give me some idea of whether or not you will be able to offer me a job this summer?

Sigh. We meet again, this time to figure out which students need the help the most. Who is married, who needs housing, who is likely to have to drop out of school if they don't get funded? How sobering to realize that the decisions we make will affect lives. A few have connected with other positions elsewhere and we cross their names off the list.

We calculate and recalculate. How many hours can we offer each person and they can still make ends meet? If we do fewer hours per person, can we keep more students on board? Yes. 2 of them will job share with other departments on campus. Finally we are able to offer work to the majority of the names on our list.

I think it will work. We will be staffed adequately and they will be able to keep going. Sigh. One more summer under grace. I hope the economy improves.

Long Day

Ah, another rainbow colored calendar page. I have a chiropractor's appointment at 8 am (I find that staying in alignment helps my body continue to throw off the effects of the drugs and radiation). Then I have meetings and activities all day, and reference until 9 pm followed by a check in with the Evening Supervisor - we usually chat until 10 pm.

How do I get myself into these ridiculous hours? I don't mean to. But I love what I do and it just sort of seems natural and logical. Perhaps that is why I don't get depressed often. I am just too busy! But a good kind of busy. Doing what I enjoy with people who are pleasant. How often I thank God for my position and place of employment!

I was thinking about it the other day. If anyone asked me if I were living the American dream, I would have to say, I am living well, whether the American dream or no. Oh, sure, I don't make a plethora of money and I am often battling health issues, but I am happy and contented. I appreciate every wonderful thing I get to do, every beautiful vista I am privy to see, every fulfilling moment of sacred mystery that I am honored to be allowed to experience.

I guess what I am saying is, long day notwithstanding, I am blessed and glad of it. Thanks be to God.

No Qi Gong for You

I take a chapter from my friend, and decide that because my cough is still pestering me, and because I am tired, I will not go to class tonight. I do not wish to get into the shoes of having to fight off this horrible plague thing, so I decide the better part of valor is to lie low. I will go home and scrounge up a silly movie and go to bed early.

I miss my movement. I think the exercise gives me strength and helps with circulation and immune system function. It is only an hour of moving and I never feel stiff or overworked. Its so gentle and easy and I do enjoy it. But it takes a half hour to get there and a half hour to get home afterwards, so I reluctantly give it up for this week.

But next week I will be back. And I hope the weather improves enough that I can start walking again. That's one of the things I miss from when I lived in Illinois or the south. Everyone there walks often, and the weather permits such activity. In an ideal world, the weather would always be perfect and encourage us to get out in the beautiful creation and enjoy all it has to offer.

But for tonight, its another early to bed deal. Sigh. Winter, go away.

Dinner Date Cancelled

My poor colleague. Normally, once a month, my friends and I have a Ladies Night Out, but one of us has the plague again. There seems no end in sight for her, no matter what she tries. Her doctor has had her on various medications including antibiotics, and she barely starts to get back on her feet when it hits again.

The rest of us agreed not to go without her. We cancelled tonight's outing and will reschedule when she is better. We ask what we can do to help, but her son is taking care of the household needs and her errands. There is nothing we can do but pray for her, and pray we do. Our hearts reach out in sympathy and hope. Be well. Gain your strength back. Take it easy until you are better. We await your return.

Illness Impact

Wow. Attendance is down in church today. Normally when one of the chime ringers is out for whatever reason, I just ring their part. But today there were several people out with this coughing cold flu fever thing, and we decided not to play at all until our ringers are well. I can't ring all those parts!

Half the choir was out, and even half the congregation. Our pastor, though there, is still not entirely over her long, long bout with this horrible plague. She has gone from cold to flu to bronchitis to whooping cough to pneumonia to pleurisy to Lord only knows what. Many others too have had an extended time of illness since the darn thing keeps coming back, worse than the time before.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am that my doctor insisted that I get every possible shot there is to get. I am convinced that my simple little irritating cough would have been much more severe had I not be properly inoculated against the worst of it.

I am sure the weather has played a role, bouncing from spring to winter and back repeatedly. What an odd year! Sure hope it passes soon. Meanwhile, I am praying for everyone to get well. Let us throw off this nasty stuff and get back to enjoying life.

Another Day of Rest

Can you believe that there is absolutely nothing on my calendar for today? The whole week was a rainbow of appointments. I color code my commitments - red for reference, green for instruction, blue for circulation, orange for meetings, lavender for medical, etc. Today is pristine white with nothing on it at all! What a rare and wonderful deal.

What, oh what will I do with all this free time? REST! I am determined to loll about doing nothing, just being. I stay in bed until 9am - then I take my time getting up, showering, walking the dog, sipping hot ginger green tea and slurping whipped strawberry yogurt with real strawberries.

Next? A nap. In the blue recliner facing the sun streaming through the window, washing my face with warmth. After that? I decide to wash the bedding and air out my room. But not in the usual frantic pace. Slowly and with care. I flip the mattress and put on - oh joy! - my new pink fleecy sheets that my friend gave me. They are so luxurious you feel coddled and cozy.

Of course, once they are snugly on, they have to be tried out! Nap #2 coming right up. Sugar agrees. She would like to climb into those soft soft sheets, but I relegate her to the fleece pink bubble blankie I take to my chemo sessions. It makes a nice cover over my Mom-made hand embroidered pink and white flower quilt. Sigh. I am so pampered.

By now it is 5 pm, and time to think about dinner. I have no desire to go anywhere, so I scrounge in the cupboards and cobble together an odd meal of - don't laugh - fried eggs, chocolate pudding and animal crackers. It's actually quite satisfying. Throw in a cup of sparkling water and tah-dah! A feast fit for at least a prince.

And now, to close out the day properly, a movie. I decide on an old Fred MacMurray flick Follow Me Boys followed by Bon Voyage. The boys decline to partake, but I love the silliness and fun. And I am ready to go to bed by 9 pm. What a wonderful and relaxing and completely unstressed day. I could almost feel my body taking full advantage of the permission to address the health improvement initiative. My cough is lessening and hopefully by next week I will be able to be in public without coughing all over it!

Sweet dreams.

Picking a Winner

Last year the Library began an award program to recognize outstanding usage of Library materials. The Association of Christian Librarians sponsors the program. We ask professors to nominate deserving research papers for consideration, and we get to evaluate the nominees and put forth a name we recommend to receive the award.

Last year we garnered a number of excellent papers, but this year's were even better. One paper researched the financial viability of medical management of scope equipment, recommending changes that would save our local medical centers a considerable amount of money and down time.

Another paper looked into the roadblocks that adult students encounter when returning to school while juggling family and jobs, making recommendations to programs about how to lessen the impact and make it possible for students to stay enrolled rather than having to stop out for a semester.

It was a difficult decision, but ultimately, we did select and recommend one of the papers for consideration. I have to say it restores faith in the upcoming generation. They take most seriously the institution's mandate to serve society and to help change our world for the better.

Full Day

Today is one of those non-stop hoop jumping days that will keep me running. First, I meet the Music Theory classes at 8am outside the Athletic Center and board a bus for the field trip to Sibley Music Library at Eastman. I always enjoy these trips to my old stomping ground where one can inhale the heady atmosphere of classical music stardom.

Between the tour and the archive manuscripts awaiting our attention, we forego even the usual jaunt to Java Joe's. I decide to go right from arrival back on campus to home where I hope to grab both lunch and a rest before stepping into the Instruction Lab to teach students in a writing class how to find books, journal articles, and reputable websites using our resources.

Then I have reference desk duty from 3 to 9 pm, having swapped out time so I could be at the Ash Wednesday service and choir rehearsal directly following. I am still battling this cough thing, and while it doesn't get severe, it does wear you down. I am not sure I will have the fortitude to get me energetically through that whole shift! But I will do what I must.

Thank God, my colleague saw the long shift, and offered to let me off the hook. I work with amazingly caring and kind people. She had come in late because she was teaching an early evening class, and her part was done earlier than expected. She most generously told me to go home and that she would watch the desk until 9. What a loving thing to do. Am I not the most blessed of people?

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday always congers up images of patient Job sitting in an ash heap scraping his sores and bemoaning the day he was born. Or the whole City of Nineveh expressing their repentance by wearing sackcloth and ashes after Jonah warned them of God's coming judgment, much to Jonah's disgust.

When I was growing up, we Presbyterians did not do Ash Wednesday. Definitely not. That was a pagan ritual indulged in by those Catholic heathens. But even as early as 900 AD there are records of people marking the beginning of Lent (46 days before Easter) with ashes on their heads.

By the 12th century, people had caught on to using last year's palms from Palm Sunday to make the ashes from. Thank goodness I outgrew my childish notions and embraced retro Christianity!

When I was first introduced to the idea of Lent, ashes or no ashes, I was taught that we were to examine our lives and repent of all our sins, to be sorry and somber, and to give up worldly delights and indulgent ways (eating too much and being entertained). No carrying on.

This year, Pastor Sherri encourages us to mark the season by committing to something we do not normally do, some way of reaching beyond ourselves and seeking the face of God. Yes, this is a good year for such things.

My heart speaks to me about several activities that I need to participate in. A small group to study the Bible with - the opportunity presents itself immediately. Connecting with the less fortunate via outreach ministries (2 specific ones come to mind, places I have often said I should help). No better time than now. I determine to do it.

This year I am giving up the right to remain home and uninvolved. I am giving up armchair time and movie watching. Somehow I suspect this will not be a big sacrifice on my part. I am likely to get much more out of it than I am putting into it.

I begin my Lenten Divine Hours devotional by Phyllis Tickle, coupled with the Lenten Daily Bread. Is it just my imagination, or do the days seem more peaceful, less stressed out? I am coupling personal devotions with Netflix movies about Christ's life and passion, including choral performances of a number of sacred works about Holy Week - Bach's St Matthew Passion among other works like numerous Stabat Mater's.

Already life feels richer, deeper, more satisfying. It will be a good Lent season. I am looking forward to drawing closer to God.

Catching Cold

OK, since before the dress rehearsal, I have been battling the onset of a cold, and today I could hold it off no longer. Its not the horrible terrible very bad flu bug going around. Just my usual spring post nasal drip stuff. But I am wise enough to realize that taking a day off now when I am not committed to a million responsibilities may ward off anything more serious, especially in light of how many of my friends and colleagues have been hit with difficult illnesses this year.

So I do. I take a - gasp - whole day off to rest. I am tired, probably from all the recital activities. No harm in resting. I laze around the house, drink lots of fluids, gobble down Vitamin C, and watch silly movies. Sugar is delighted to have all day company for a change. She snuggles in the chair with me, her body heat keeping me warm and toasty.

Despite snoozing all day, I go to bed early (8 pm) and sleep soundly. Perhaps it will be enough to throw off the coughing fits and help me stay healthy. We shall see.

The Day After

I have a Music Theory class to teach this morning at 8 am! The professor was at my recital yesterday, and when he walked into the instruction lab, he commented that one would never know I had been in recital yesterday! Business as usual.

Its true. I am still processing all that unfolded yesterday. The music, the prayers, the liturgical aspects of the service concert. On some internal level, I am still in attendance. Externally, I am working with students, showing them the resources for music research, unlocking doors of Google mindedness to universes on beyond and far meatier than they have experienced before.

People comment that I must be relieved that it is over, but the truth is that I am sad. Contrary to people's thinking, I was far from exhausted when the concert service was over. I was energized! Ready to go! Wanting more.

I could lead such worship services every day from now to eternity and relish every moment of it - the concept, the planning, the research, the writing, the rehearsing, the learning curve, the interaction with other musicians, the pulling together of pictures and artwork to illustrate, the picky details of program correctness, and the conducting, the orchestrating, the seeing how various aspects affect the whole. I love it all. I am sorry that this project is completed. I want more.

Creating space and place for people to connect with the things of God is what I live for. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact, I think I will. How does "A Musical Exploration of Psalm 23" sound? I already have some of the research underway, begun collecting scores.

One gentleman commented that he found the service concert to be similar to Handel's Messiah in that both followed a Scripture sequence, and both covered one topic from beginning to end. How kind his comment. And how great a plan! The opportunities for exploration are endless. I could expend a lifetime and not exhaust the possibilities. Joy! Not right away of course, but as God opens doors, I will be ready. Onward and upward!

The Musical Exploration of the Lord's Prayer - at last!

Night before event jitters don't usually include a temperature and an aching all over feeling. My stomach is nauseated, and I lie still in bed, wishing whatever this is to go away. Drew laughs at me and tells me I am just nervous for tomorrow, but I think this is the chemo finally hitting. The steroids have worn off, and I am experiencing what I usually do after a chemo session. Only delayed.

Deep breath. I have not come this far and gotten this close to give in to illness. But since I have no choice, I ask the Lord to take it away, then close my eyes and get as much rest as I can. I watch the clock flip through numbers until well after 1 am. No matter. I focus on the music and pray for good weather. The forecast does not sound encouraging.

I do not give in to discouragement, only let it spur me on to lift life to the Lord and leave it in his hands. I am confident that even if I do not feel well, God will give me the strength to do what needs to be done. And the people who need this sort of touch from God will come.

Morning worship is quiet. I encourage my singers not to push. My advisor and I partake a nourishing and leisurely lunch at the Chili Wegmans where they offer a wide variety of ready prepared hot dishes. Before I have time to blink, I am back at church and helping the quartet settle a few bumpy places.

Then to the fellowship hall where we do our limbering exercises and vocal warm ups. Half an hour to downbeat. We mill about, not nervous, ready, wanting to begin. And then, we are queuing up. I have no time for nerves. I must focus intensely to make sure everyone knows what to do, when to come in, where to move, or sit, or stand. Think clearly.

It is going well. The music sounds better than I have heard it before. Singers are focused, paying attention, singing from their hearts. The silences between pieces are not dead but pregnant with expectation and absorption. I experience that strange time warp music has a way of creating. I am in the moment, and time is both flying by and standing still.

Little things go astray. An early entrance here, an odd note there. Nothing major. Communion, the one part we did not rehearse, takes on a meaning of its own. We stumble a bit, but no matter. Participation straightens up the odd pauses. Petition follows petition in its good order. Does it make sense to listeners? Is it touching the spirits of participants? Is the Holy Spirit moving? I dare not think of those things yet.

And then, the final Amen sounds and we begin our recessional. One group at a time, we exit, blessing the congregation. "Go now in peace. . ." until we have all made our way to the fellowship hall where the United Methodist Women's organization has set a delectable spread of fruit, punch and cookies.

What great conversation buzzes around the room. I greet and hug and thank crowds of people, listening to their reactions. Worshipful. Very thoughtful. Uplifting. Great music. I really liked . . . yes - this is what I had hoped. Connection with the words, with the thoughts about the prayer. The presence of God. Peace. Good!

I will not listen to the recording until I need to. After all, I must eventually send it to the advisors who were not in attendance. There will be time for my own reflection later. Right now, my advisor and I have a dinner engagement to decompress. Yeah!

Dress Rehearsal

In the morning, I take the food for the lasagna dinner in and fill the refrigerator with fixin's. I check to make sure the music is available for anyone who may not have what they need and check to ensure that we have set up correctly and provided for everyone's needs. Bottles of water, name tags, pencils, programs, copies of the communion words, the hymns. Yes, it seems like I have covered all bases.



I scramble to make sure that my advisor is met at the airport and taken to her hotel while I am rushing to meet with 4 of the 5 quartet singers. Our main bass singer will not be able to come ahead of time for a rehearsal. But at least the tenor will be there! Yeah! We dig right in, and suddenly, the other parts realize that the tenor line affects their part.



They are not used to hearing the tenor line and it takes a bit of adjusting to tune the parts correctly, especially in the Stravinsky. We do manage to work through all the pieces before time to start the main rehearsal. We agree to meet early tomorrow before the recital for another go round.



I have asked two dear friends to help with the dress rehearsal, to be runners so that no one - especially me - has to delay the rehearsal or miss anything while they scrounge up necessities. I know it will be a long and grueling rehearsal. We have to go through in the exact order so that people know what to expect and so that the children will know when to ring the triangle and light the candles.



I know I must push rigidly on regardless of the issues or we will be there all night. I know people cannot be hurried, but must feel comfortable and trust that they will not look foolish or be left hanging. I have prayed for peace and productivity. I have no desire to waste anyone's time. Here we go!



The recital itself is a solid 2 hours. Even if we do not stop to read all the slides, it will take us at least that long to work through the program. Even though I have been talking about it all along, I know that until they experience the walk through, no one really gets the idea or sees the vision as I see it. I am hopeful that people will not decide that its too much. Or too esoteric. Or too whatever. But I cannot think about that now.



Right now, I just need to make sure everyone is on my page and that the music is ready. We beginning in the fellowship hall. I have asked my QiGong instructor to come and limber us up with the joint moving exercises. Everyone takes it seriously and participates fully. Then we warm up vocally, and I give instructions about the processional. And we move down the hall in order toward the sanctuary and the beginning of the rehearsal, chanting the Lord's Prayer in unison as we move into place.



My choir has been practicing this every Sunday and since I know they understand, they will bring everyone else along. It works well. We move through each petition carefully, watching the slides which we will not be able to see tomorrow. Once in awhile we stop long enough to fix something quickly, but we keep moving along. Time is flying.

We are just past the halfway mark when I realize we only have 20 minutes left. I know we will not finish in the 2 hour time frame, so I begin making encouraging remarks about coming down the home stretch. We go just a half hour over our allotted time, but the hot lasagna dinner is waiting. Hopefully that will ease any angst about the long rehearsal. And most of the time people (except for me) were sitting.

There was nothing major to make me anxious about tomorrow, especially considering that the quartet will have a bit more time to fine tune. Now I can address the questions and details that still need attention. I want to wind things up so I can get my advisor back to her hotel before she collapses! [not to mention I myself am tired].

It was a good rehearsal. Bit long, but good.

Mugs

I dearly wanted to find a way to thank all the people who have worked alongside me to make this recital happen. At first, I thought to get them each a book that helped me along the way. It is called Fifty-seven words that change the world : a journey through the Lord's prayer by Darrell Johnson.

But as I thought about it, I realized that a book tends to get set on a shelf somewhere, and if read at all, is a one time deal. I wanted something that would be a continual reminder of the music and of the prayer itself. The idea of having a mug with just the first two words of the prayer sprang to mind. Yes. Simple yet powerful.

I contacted my colleague's husband who does graphic design and told him what I had in mind. He sent me 8 or 9 options, and I select one that seemed to fit. We ordered the mugs - a nice warm blue, not too dark, with black lettering. Then we found out that if I went with the blue color, they would not be ready in time as additional mugs would need to be ordered. So we changed to a deep twilight blue with white lettering. Even more powerful.

Tonight the mugs arrived and I had them put in the fellowship hall. After dress rehearsal, I will make sure people get one as my thanks to them, along with the lasagna dinner, for all the time they have spent on my project. I slit the box open with my key and pulled one out. There in my hands was a perfect sized mug, deep and rich blue outside, white inside. Our Father printed in white. It was even nicer than I had thought from the pictures.

And practical. Every time people use it, they will recall the prayer Jesus taught us to pray. Maybe they will even stop to say it while they wait for their coffee to perk. Later, someone called it a commemorative mug. Yes, those are the right words. May it bring blessing and joy to all who have been touched by God.

Choir Last Brush Up

Last week I gave my choir a light rehearsal and sent them home early. I was concerned that they get enough rest and not fall prey to this bug going around. This week, I will have them sing through the recital pieces they are singing by themselves without the other ensembles joining in to remind them of what we have learned, to fix any little errors, to help them feel like they are ready.

We are low in numbers tonight, but I know this group. They are dependable and will be there for the dress rehearsal and recital. Those who are overwhelmed have already let me know that they will not be joining. I am sad to lose a few singers, but their lives have changed and they are wise to keep their priorities straight.

We sing through our music, and as I suspected, we are in good shape. I take them right up to the last minute of rehearsal time, but I believe they too sense that they sing the music well. In fact, it is possible that we have moved beyond worrying over what note comes next and how to pronounce the words. It is possible that the music is beginning to speak to us, to have internal meaning, to become a natural expression of something deep within us.

That is the appeal of folk music. A melody is sung so often that it becomes part of who we are, it shapes us and - for musicians - more importantly, we shape the music. Imbue it with our hearts, our passion. What better text than the Lord's Prayer for such an endeavor? Can it be that some of this music will stay with us after the concert? Will it continue to be there in our moments of crisis when we need something solid to hang on to?

Surely that is far more important than the recital. To connect with the things of God through the medium of music whereby we may retain that connection to God. That has been my prayer throughout. And not just for the musicians. For the congregation who will attend. That they be touched by God, be drawn into his presence, take away something in their hearts that will bring comfort and assurance for decades.

We shall see.

Hefty Work Schedule

My friends from other countries have a habit of doing almost nothing the days before a recital, and nothing the days immediately following one. Its a great plan and allows one to focus on the music, not be stressed about anything, and totally recuperate afterwards, enjoying the celebration of the event.

That's what I wanted to do with this recital. But alas! My life is not my own. Not only do I need to continue working at the Library right up to the dress rehearsal, but I will return to work on Monday - as if nothing had happened, in the words of my friend.

It's sad really that a milestone event such as this one will slide by with hardly a ripple in my calendar. Just another block of time. In fact, I didn't block off the days beforehand, and people just filled up my schedule without awareness of how much I wished to focus on this other part of my life. In some respects, that is my own fault.

Unfortunately, we are short handed as it is, and I have had to take more than my fair share of time off, between kids and grandkids and mothers and health issues. I would not think of pressing an already overwrought staff farther. There is much to do, and I should be somewhat in a tizzy over the details. But by the grace of God, I feel as if I am on autopilot.

I have done what I could, the time, effort, work, and prayer have been there all along. Now I keep moving forward, confident that the result will be a culmination of years of thought, study and practice. This is freeing. I can give my best to the appointments on my calendar at the Library without getting all "het" up, as Gram used to say.

By day, a faithful faculty person. By night a sacred music director. It's a good mix.

March Entrance

In like a lion, out like a lamb. That's what the old saying is. But today is beautiful. Can you believe it is still winter with gorgeous blue sunny skies and no snow on the ground?Is this right? I know I have been praying that the weather will cooperate for my recital so that people will be able to travel without problem, but this is amazing!

If it keeps up, people will just want to be outside and not inside listening to music on a Sunday afternoon. Ah, everything in perspective. Of course, the temperature fluctuations are wreaking havoc with health. The coughing thing is making rounds. It is hitting some very hard. And repeatedly. Just when they think they have thrown the cold, it suddenly turns into bronchitis. And when they get help for that and are finally coming up for air, they have pneumonia. And after battling that, they get either a broken rib from so much coughing or pleurisy, just as bad if not worse.

Doctors are calling this the 100 day cough. That's what they used to call pertussis or whooping cough. I remember when Michael had that. Since his immune system was compromised, the immunization didn't take and the poor little tyke - all of about 6 years old - begged me with tears in his eyes to take him to the Emergency Room again and again, convinced that someone would figure out how to help him stop coughing.

Back then there were no super duper cough medicines. He just had to wait it out. My heart was so torn for his agony. As it is now for people going through this thing. I wish I could wave a magic wand and they would be over it. As soon as I hear that anyone is starting to cough, I immediately suggest they go to the doctors and head off anything serious. I suppose the doctors don't appreciate that.

Well, March may not be coming in like a lion weatherwise, but it certainly is healthwise. Here's hoping health improves for everyone continually until by the end of March this stuff is done with!